Hey. My name’s Owen (if you couldn’t figure that from the title), and this is what I guess you could call my journal. I have a pretty extraordinary life, if I do say so myself, the facts of which may sometimes be hard to believe, but are all completely true. Everything you read here will be honest to goodness truth about me, Owen Tucker, and my world. Whether you believe this or not is your call. I’m just putting the facts down here and now for historical documentation. I will not be held accountable for any and all embellishments, because, I mean come on, a story’s gotta have some flavor to make it interesting. Just putting down facts would make this as boring as Washington’s diaries. Check this out.
5/17/12: Went for walk. Found cool rock. Spoke with squirrel. Went home.
How boring was that? And it was just a few fragments. Imagine a whole blog post like that. Not cool. I hope you’ll concede this point and grant me the leeway to add my own spices. It will all be the same, none of the facts will be changed, but it’ll have my spin, with my viewpoint (because obviously I can’t give you the rock’s viewpoint).
So, without further ado, I present to you the Chronicles of Owen Tucker.
5/17/12: On this date (that being the fifth of May in the year 2012) I decided it was too nice of a day not to take a walk. So I took a walk. It really was a beautiful day. Sunny with some puffy white clouds and a nice cool breeze rustling the vibrant green leaves of the trees. Gorgeous.
Anyway, I was walking down a street in my neighborhood (and a very nice neighborhood it is, I might add) when I happened upon a rock. Now you’re probably thinking “So what? There are rocks all over the place”, but this rock was no ordinary rock. Well, okay, it looked exactly like an ordinary rock. Small, grayish-black, and rough. However, from my long experience with many types of rocks I knew that this rock in particular was no ordinary rock.
Why do I get the feeling that you still don’t believe me? Didn’t I say up top there that everything herein would be the honest to goodness truth? Indeed I did. So you’d better believe it.
Still no? Okay, fine. I didn’t know the rock was not an ordinary rock I just thought it looked kinda cool so I picked it up and stuck it in my pocket. There. Happy now?
Moving on with my story (which your disbelief so rudely interrupted), after I picked up the rock, I continued walking for a ways, turned down a few different streets, and found myself on a street I had never been on before. No, actually I had been there the day before, but saying I had never been there before sounds more dramatic, wouldn’t you say? It doesn’t really matter anyway, since the street itself has no significance. The significant thing was the squirrel. It was sitting on one of those nice, stone mailboxes twitching its tail and looking all fuzzy and cute.
As I came near to it, it twitched its nose.
“Haha, human. Slow and no climb.”
I looked around at the sound of the voice, but there wasn’t anyone else in sight.
“Who’s there?” I asked.
“Hehe. Human talk to self now. Scared of own shadow too.”
“I am not,” I protested, still looking around for the voice.
“Whoa. Human reply. That never happen before.”
I heard a scampering and turned to see the squirrel leap off the mailbox, shoot up a tree, and disappear. I stared after it. There was no way that squirrel had been talking. Everyone knows squirrels can’t talk, right?
Well, whether the squirrel talked or not, the cool breeze had died in that interval, and now the sun was plain hot so I started walking back home.
The moral of this story is that weird stuff can happen on walks. Be prepared.
To be continued…probably…
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Weekend (Or Not)
Whoa! Is it Monday already? What happened to the weekend? I was all happy that the weekend was here like, five seconds ago and now it’s gone! Conclusion: Somebody stole the weekend!
Sherlock Holmes mode engaged. First, let us examine the facts. A week is made up of seven days. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the weekdays, Saturday and Sunday constitute the weekend. I made it through all the weekdays and got very happy on Friday about the upcoming weekend. I went to bed Friday night, woke up the next day, there was some blurred action, and then it was Sunday night, time for bed. Second conclusion: I believe I’ve been drugged!
Possible culprits: My siblings (yes, all of them), my dad, my mom, my cat, and yes, even the butler. The only one who I know is innocent is my dog. And Fred. Other than that, it appears that everyone is a suspect. However, my family is not knowledgeable enough about the inner workings of the weekend and stealing to be able to pull off such a feat. Now the cat, he’s another story. I wouldn’t put something like this beneath him, above him, or anywhere around him for that matter. He’s evil incarnate that bugger is.
But! Due to keen deductive skills that I have been employing secretly while distracting you with small talk, I have found that, against all odds and to my extreme surprise, it was not my cat. It was, in fact, the butler! Bet you didn’t see that one coming. No one would ever suspect the butler. He probably thought he was safe. But with my deductions, no one is safe. I can see through any and all falsehoods by examining the details. All is transparent to me!
What’s that? We don’t have a butler? Preposterous! Oh wait. Yeah, that’s right. We don’t. That was just me wishing we had one so I could call him Alfred and have him say cool stuff about watching the world burn. Darn. There goes the last suspect, right out the window. Now what?
I guess I’m just not cut out for this detection thing. Someone heave a huge sigh of disappointment for me, would you (I would do it myself, but I’m afraid of inhaling my tongue or something)? I’m sure there are other things in life, most definitely, but come on. What could be better than going around like Sherlock and saying “Ha! Know what you had for dinner last night by looking at your boots!” Not much, that’s for sure.
And now I’m gonna go way off-topic by marveling at how on-topic I’ve been. Amazing, ain’t it? Speaking of which, did you see that bunny swinging his lightsaber and screaming “THIS IS SPARTA!”? Sorry. I just had to make sure I wasn’t ruining my reputation by being too coherent or anything terribly damaging like that. I mean, coherency is all well and good, but this A Bevy of Balderdash, y’know? Coherency here is like hope with Obama. Oh dear. Did I just make a politically bashing joke? I’m sorry. Oh dear, I just stepped on a flea. Poor little guy.
Sherlock Holmes mode engaged. First, let us examine the facts. A week is made up of seven days. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the weekdays, Saturday and Sunday constitute the weekend. I made it through all the weekdays and got very happy on Friday about the upcoming weekend. I went to bed Friday night, woke up the next day, there was some blurred action, and then it was Sunday night, time for bed. Second conclusion: I believe I’ve been drugged!
Possible culprits: My siblings (yes, all of them), my dad, my mom, my cat, and yes, even the butler. The only one who I know is innocent is my dog. And Fred. Other than that, it appears that everyone is a suspect. However, my family is not knowledgeable enough about the inner workings of the weekend and stealing to be able to pull off such a feat. Now the cat, he’s another story. I wouldn’t put something like this beneath him, above him, or anywhere around him for that matter. He’s evil incarnate that bugger is.
But! Due to keen deductive skills that I have been employing secretly while distracting you with small talk, I have found that, against all odds and to my extreme surprise, it was not my cat. It was, in fact, the butler! Bet you didn’t see that one coming. No one would ever suspect the butler. He probably thought he was safe. But with my deductions, no one is safe. I can see through any and all falsehoods by examining the details. All is transparent to me!
What’s that? We don’t have a butler? Preposterous! Oh wait. Yeah, that’s right. We don’t. That was just me wishing we had one so I could call him Alfred and have him say cool stuff about watching the world burn. Darn. There goes the last suspect, right out the window. Now what?
I guess I’m just not cut out for this detection thing. Someone heave a huge sigh of disappointment for me, would you (I would do it myself, but I’m afraid of inhaling my tongue or something)? I’m sure there are other things in life, most definitely, but come on. What could be better than going around like Sherlock and saying “Ha! Know what you had for dinner last night by looking at your boots!” Not much, that’s for sure.
And now I’m gonna go way off-topic by marveling at how on-topic I’ve been. Amazing, ain’t it? Speaking of which, did you see that bunny swinging his lightsaber and screaming “THIS IS SPARTA!”? Sorry. I just had to make sure I wasn’t ruining my reputation by being too coherent or anything terribly damaging like that. I mean, coherency is all well and good, but this A Bevy of Balderdash, y’know? Coherency here is like hope with Obama. Oh dear. Did I just make a politically bashing joke? I’m sorry. Oh dear, I just stepped on a flea. Poor little guy.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The End of the End
(When we last left Fred, Jonathan had just informed him of his imminent death)
Fred laughed at Jonathan’s statement. “Ha! That’s a lame bluff. You can’t expect me to believe that you’d kill yourself.”
Jonathan’s arms began to twitch, and his voice shook. “I-I told you, Fred. I’v-ve planned for th-this day for a long time now. And i-if I can’t have the world, n-no one will.”
“What do you mean?” Anthony asked.
Jonathan smiled a rather ghastly smile as his whole body began to shake. “I’ve launched a nu-nuclear strike. I-it will land here, which will s-set off a chain reaction that will de-destroy the planet.” He cackled. “And there’s nothing you can d-do about it.”
Fred looked wildly from Anthony to Alexander. “What do we do?”
“There’s a missile headed right for us!” A voice screamed from somewhere.
Anthony panicked. “We’re all gonna die!”
“Do something, Alexander!” Fred yelled.
“N-n-nobody can do a-anyth-thing.”
With those last words, Jonathan smiled and sank to the ground. Fred stared at his body, then at Alexander.
“Alexander!”
The alligator looked at Fred sadly, then gathered himself and leapt straight up into the air. Fred stared after him. Something twinkled in the sky. Alexander was headed straight for it. Realization dawned on Fred.
“Alexander! Nnnnnnnnooooooo!”
Alligator and missile connected. A massive explosion ripped the sky open. Angry masses of red fire broiled in the air for a second, then began to fall. It was going to come to earth. It was going to hit. Alexander’s sacrifice was in vain.
A brilliant white light shot out from the middle of the red mass. It burst out and formed a light barrier that completely surrounded the flames. Then, with a flash, it was all gone. The sky was clear.
Fred stared up at the sky and fell to his knees. “Alexander…”
Anthony stood next to him, also staring up. “He survived, right? He’s invincible, right?”
Fred dropped his gaze to the ground and shook his head. “I don’t think even Alexander could survive that.”
Anthony dropped next to Fred. “But…but…but…”
Fred patted him on the shoulder. “He’s—he’s gone on to a better place.”
Anthony sniffed. “Alligator heaven?”
Fred nodded. “Definitely.”
Something fell from the sky and landed in front of them with a puff of dust.
It was a baby alligator.
And so the saga of Fred and Co. comes to an end.
With the destruction of the world averted, and Jonathan dead, peace returns to Earth. Turns out that Jonathan had been behind everything. The PEANUTs, The Terrorists, M007, the lot of it. All pieces in his plan for global domination. So, in the end, Fred succeeded in eradicating terrorism.
In honor of Alexander huge statues of him were erected in all the capitols of the world and alligators were designated the World Animal.
Anthony was hailed a hero, taken back to England, and put in charge of foreign affairs.
And Fred, well, he went back to the States with the baby alligator and got a job with the government (the alligator got one too). But, being Fred, who knows how long that will last, and when we might see him again. As for the alligator, his future is as uncertain as Fred’s.
THE END
STAY TUNED! Next Thursday marks the beginnings of a new series. What it is, well, you’ll just have to wait and see. If you have any ideas of what you would like it to be, though, do tell. I appreciate any and all input, and who knows, I might just use your idea. But no promises.
Fred laughed at Jonathan’s statement. “Ha! That’s a lame bluff. You can’t expect me to believe that you’d kill yourself.”
Jonathan’s arms began to twitch, and his voice shook. “I-I told you, Fred. I’v-ve planned for th-this day for a long time now. And i-if I can’t have the world, n-no one will.”
“What do you mean?” Anthony asked.
Jonathan smiled a rather ghastly smile as his whole body began to shake. “I’ve launched a nu-nuclear strike. I-it will land here, which will s-set off a chain reaction that will de-destroy the planet.” He cackled. “And there’s nothing you can d-do about it.”
Fred looked wildly from Anthony to Alexander. “What do we do?”
“There’s a missile headed right for us!” A voice screamed from somewhere.
Anthony panicked. “We’re all gonna die!”
“Do something, Alexander!” Fred yelled.
“N-n-nobody can do a-anyth-thing.”
With those last words, Jonathan smiled and sank to the ground. Fred stared at his body, then at Alexander.
“Alexander!”
The alligator looked at Fred sadly, then gathered himself and leapt straight up into the air. Fred stared after him. Something twinkled in the sky. Alexander was headed straight for it. Realization dawned on Fred.
“Alexander! Nnnnnnnnooooooo!”
Alligator and missile connected. A massive explosion ripped the sky open. Angry masses of red fire broiled in the air for a second, then began to fall. It was going to come to earth. It was going to hit. Alexander’s sacrifice was in vain.
A brilliant white light shot out from the middle of the red mass. It burst out and formed a light barrier that completely surrounded the flames. Then, with a flash, it was all gone. The sky was clear.
Fred stared up at the sky and fell to his knees. “Alexander…”
Anthony stood next to him, also staring up. “He survived, right? He’s invincible, right?”
Fred dropped his gaze to the ground and shook his head. “I don’t think even Alexander could survive that.”
Anthony dropped next to Fred. “But…but…but…”
Fred patted him on the shoulder. “He’s—he’s gone on to a better place.”
Anthony sniffed. “Alligator heaven?”
Fred nodded. “Definitely.”
Something fell from the sky and landed in front of them with a puff of dust.
It was a baby alligator.
And so the saga of Fred and Co. comes to an end.
With the destruction of the world averted, and Jonathan dead, peace returns to Earth. Turns out that Jonathan had been behind everything. The PEANUTs, The Terrorists, M007, the lot of it. All pieces in his plan for global domination. So, in the end, Fred succeeded in eradicating terrorism.
In honor of Alexander huge statues of him were erected in all the capitols of the world and alligators were designated the World Animal.
Anthony was hailed a hero, taken back to England, and put in charge of foreign affairs.
And Fred, well, he went back to the States with the baby alligator and got a job with the government (the alligator got one too). But, being Fred, who knows how long that will last, and when we might see him again. As for the alligator, his future is as uncertain as Fred’s.
THE END
STAY TUNED! Next Thursday marks the beginnings of a new series. What it is, well, you’ll just have to wait and see. If you have any ideas of what you would like it to be, though, do tell. I appreciate any and all input, and who knows, I might just use your idea. But no promises.
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Title of Our Story Is
Oh. Snap.
Those two words should be the definition of what you are feeling at this moment. Or will be after you read a few more sentences. The reason being, I have no topic. Not even a hint of a tropical topicality. So now the appropriate response is “Oh snap he ain’t got no topic! Run for the hills!” If you did not experience this feeling, that’s good. Continue reading. Enjoy my spurt of extra random balderdash.
First, let us discuss toothpicks. Such handy items, wouldn’t you say? One of the most annoying things is having that little piece of meat or whatever stuck in your teeth, and no matter how much you wiggle at it with your tongue you just can’t get rid of it. Dun da da dun! Captain Toothpick sweeps in and saves the day! With just one little pick, pitook, he eradicates all annoyance! Oh thank you, Captain Toothpick, thank you! You saved my life. I was so annoyed with that little piece of meat, I just couldn’t get rid of it. My stress levels were spiking and my heart was about to give out. Then you swooped in and saved me with a simple pitook! Thank you!
See? Look at that. Toothpicks are lifesavers (no, not the little round candies). So always keep a few around in case you are ever in dire need. You never know when those annoying things are gonna strike. Be prepared! That little life lesson is one to be learned. If you’re having trouble with it, go watch Hoodwinked. After that, you’ll never be able to forget it. And if you don’t watch it, I’ll send my killer rabbits and rabid wolves after you. Get watching.
Or wait until this post is over, then go watch. No killer or rabid things will come thirsting for your blood if you do so.
To continue, please direct your attention to the screen. Peer very closely at these words as they appear in the order of the sentences. See anything odd? Any cool alignments or patterns, hhhmmm? Of course not! Those pictures you see on facebook and what not with those cool patterns and junk do not come about by accident. They are carefully planned and deviously planted with captions like “Whoa! Look at that! Do you see it?” are all planned to make you think that the cool thing in the picture is accidental. Don’t fall for it! All those frauds are photo shopped, at best! I’ve seen a great many of photo shopped pics in my time, and I can tell by some of the pixels.
Speaking of pixels (or not) what genius created the cheeseburger? I mean, it’s the greatest food creation, no, the greatest creation of all time. Can you imagine the world without cheeseburgers? No! It’s unthinkable! Where would people find joy and happiness if it were not for their cheeseburgers? I mean…it’s just…life isn’t complete without them! Give a man a cheeseburger and his world get brighter. Give anyone a cheeseburger and the world becomes a brighter place. They just have this glow about them that’s sort of—celestial.
“All right! That’s it! Break it up!”
Wait. Whoa. What’s going on here?
“You sir, are being charged with excessive use of randomness and are hereby under arrest.”
What!? But I—!
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and most definitely will be used against you.”
This isn’t right! It’s unconstitutional!
“You have the right to an attorney…I think.”
I’ll sue!
“Take him downtown, boys.”
Oh snap.
Those two words should be the definition of what you are feeling at this moment. Or will be after you read a few more sentences. The reason being, I have no topic. Not even a hint of a tropical topicality. So now the appropriate response is “Oh snap he ain’t got no topic! Run for the hills!” If you did not experience this feeling, that’s good. Continue reading. Enjoy my spurt of extra random balderdash.
First, let us discuss toothpicks. Such handy items, wouldn’t you say? One of the most annoying things is having that little piece of meat or whatever stuck in your teeth, and no matter how much you wiggle at it with your tongue you just can’t get rid of it. Dun da da dun! Captain Toothpick sweeps in and saves the day! With just one little pick, pitook, he eradicates all annoyance! Oh thank you, Captain Toothpick, thank you! You saved my life. I was so annoyed with that little piece of meat, I just couldn’t get rid of it. My stress levels were spiking and my heart was about to give out. Then you swooped in and saved me with a simple pitook! Thank you!
See? Look at that. Toothpicks are lifesavers (no, not the little round candies). So always keep a few around in case you are ever in dire need. You never know when those annoying things are gonna strike. Be prepared! That little life lesson is one to be learned. If you’re having trouble with it, go watch Hoodwinked. After that, you’ll never be able to forget it. And if you don’t watch it, I’ll send my killer rabbits and rabid wolves after you. Get watching.
Or wait until this post is over, then go watch. No killer or rabid things will come thirsting for your blood if you do so.
To continue, please direct your attention to the screen. Peer very closely at these words as they appear in the order of the sentences. See anything odd? Any cool alignments or patterns, hhhmmm? Of course not! Those pictures you see on facebook and what not with those cool patterns and junk do not come about by accident. They are carefully planned and deviously planted with captions like “Whoa! Look at that! Do you see it?” are all planned to make you think that the cool thing in the picture is accidental. Don’t fall for it! All those frauds are photo shopped, at best! I’ve seen a great many of photo shopped pics in my time, and I can tell by some of the pixels.
Speaking of pixels (or not) what genius created the cheeseburger? I mean, it’s the greatest food creation, no, the greatest creation of all time. Can you imagine the world without cheeseburgers? No! It’s unthinkable! Where would people find joy and happiness if it were not for their cheeseburgers? I mean…it’s just…life isn’t complete without them! Give a man a cheeseburger and his world get brighter. Give anyone a cheeseburger and the world becomes a brighter place. They just have this glow about them that’s sort of—celestial.
“All right! That’s it! Break it up!”
Wait. Whoa. What’s going on here?
“You sir, are being charged with excessive use of randomness and are hereby under arrest.”
What!? But I—!
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and most definitely will be used against you.”
This isn’t right! It’s unconstitutional!
“You have the right to an attorney…I think.”
I’ll sue!
“Take him downtown, boys.”
Oh snap.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Death from...Below?
(When we last left Fred, he and the boys had just zoomed around the universe and upon return to Earth, found it to be fifty-four years in the future)
Alexander leaned forward and the ship shot down toward Earth. On the screen Jonathan nodded his head and said something, but there was no sound. A second later, an explosion rocked the ship, knocking them all to the floor. Then another hit, and another.
“We’re goin’ down!” Fred yelled.
“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” Anthony screamed.
Alexander nudged something on the wall, there was a white puff, and they found themselves sprawled on the ground in front of Jonathan. After recovering from his initial shock, Fred jumped to his feet.
He stuck his finger in Jonathan’s face. “You, Mr. Jonathan, are under arrest!”
Jonathan laughed a rather feeble, old man laugh. “Under what authority?”
Fred waved his finger in the air. “Under the authority of the United States! Ha! Beat that!”
Jonathan continued chuckling. “The States have only the authority I give them now, Fred. You’ve been gone a long time. Things have changed.”
And suddenly, a whole bunch of really big guys with really big guns were all around them.
Fred laughed. “They can’t stop us.”
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes they can.”
One of the men pulled out a slug. Alexander whimpered.
“You see, Fred,” Jonathan said. “I’ve been preparing for this day every since you left. That would be fifty-four years I’ve been preparing. There is nothing left unaccounted for.”
“Oh yeah?” Fred blustered. “Well you can’t prepare for everything!”
“Yes, I can.”
“How about this?”
Fred shot his fist out, right for Jonathan’s nose, but just before he connected, a blue field appeared between fist and face, and Fred’s hand was thrown back.
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes, I prepared for that.”
Fred spat at him. “How about that?”
Jonathan wiped the spit off his chin. “No, I hadn’t thought of that. But it didn’t help you, did it?”
Fred shrugged. “No, but it made me feel a little better.”
Anthony stepped forward. “I bet you weren’t expecting this!”
Then he tripped. And flew forward. Into the legs of one of the big guys. The big guy lost his balance and started flailing his arms. Somehow his finger caught the trigger of his gun and it started firing off huge blasts. He knocked into the guy next to him and sent him flying and soon the entire area was in disarray. A stray shot from the gun hit the side of a tall building, breaking the support and the whole thing came crashing down right in front of Anthony.
When the dust settled, Jonathan shook his head.
“No,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
Fred and Anthony grabbed a gun each and pointed them at Jonathan.
“Now,” Fred said. “You are under arrest by the authority invested in me by this gun!”
“Yeah,” Anthony chipped in. “What he said.”
Jonathan shrugged. “Your funeral.”
Fred glared at him. “No. Yours.”
Jonathan shook his head. “No. Yours.”
“No. Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“NO! Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“No! Yo—“
Anthony slapped Fred on the back of the head. “Shut up already.”
Fred glared at Anthony, then at Jonathan. He jabbed the gun at Jonathan.
“What do you think we should do with him?
Anthony shrugged. “I don’t know. Let him go and give him a chance for a new life?”
Fred stared at him. “You can’t be serious.”
Anthony grinned. “I’m not.”
“I’m glad,” Jonathan said. “Because you are all going to die with me in just a few seconds.”
To be continued…
Alexander leaned forward and the ship shot down toward Earth. On the screen Jonathan nodded his head and said something, but there was no sound. A second later, an explosion rocked the ship, knocking them all to the floor. Then another hit, and another.
“We’re goin’ down!” Fred yelled.
“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” Anthony screamed.
Alexander nudged something on the wall, there was a white puff, and they found themselves sprawled on the ground in front of Jonathan. After recovering from his initial shock, Fred jumped to his feet.
He stuck his finger in Jonathan’s face. “You, Mr. Jonathan, are under arrest!”
Jonathan laughed a rather feeble, old man laugh. “Under what authority?”
Fred waved his finger in the air. “Under the authority of the United States! Ha! Beat that!”
Jonathan continued chuckling. “The States have only the authority I give them now, Fred. You’ve been gone a long time. Things have changed.”
And suddenly, a whole bunch of really big guys with really big guns were all around them.
Fred laughed. “They can’t stop us.”
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes they can.”
One of the men pulled out a slug. Alexander whimpered.
“You see, Fred,” Jonathan said. “I’ve been preparing for this day every since you left. That would be fifty-four years I’ve been preparing. There is nothing left unaccounted for.”
“Oh yeah?” Fred blustered. “Well you can’t prepare for everything!”
“Yes, I can.”
“How about this?”
Fred shot his fist out, right for Jonathan’s nose, but just before he connected, a blue field appeared between fist and face, and Fred’s hand was thrown back.
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes, I prepared for that.”
Fred spat at him. “How about that?”
Jonathan wiped the spit off his chin. “No, I hadn’t thought of that. But it didn’t help you, did it?”
Fred shrugged. “No, but it made me feel a little better.”
Anthony stepped forward. “I bet you weren’t expecting this!”
Then he tripped. And flew forward. Into the legs of one of the big guys. The big guy lost his balance and started flailing his arms. Somehow his finger caught the trigger of his gun and it started firing off huge blasts. He knocked into the guy next to him and sent him flying and soon the entire area was in disarray. A stray shot from the gun hit the side of a tall building, breaking the support and the whole thing came crashing down right in front of Anthony.
When the dust settled, Jonathan shook his head.
“No,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
Fred and Anthony grabbed a gun each and pointed them at Jonathan.
“Now,” Fred said. “You are under arrest by the authority invested in me by this gun!”
“Yeah,” Anthony chipped in. “What he said.”
Jonathan shrugged. “Your funeral.”
Fred glared at him. “No. Yours.”
Jonathan shook his head. “No. Yours.”
“No. Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“NO! Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“No! Yo—“
Anthony slapped Fred on the back of the head. “Shut up already.”
Fred glared at Anthony, then at Jonathan. He jabbed the gun at Jonathan.
“What do you think we should do with him?
Anthony shrugged. “I don’t know. Let him go and give him a chance for a new life?”
Fred stared at him. “You can’t be serious.”
Anthony grinned. “I’m not.”
“I’m glad,” Jonathan said. “Because you are all going to die with me in just a few seconds.”
To be continued…
Monday, April 30, 2012
Uh Oh
Go up up up up doooooooowwwwwwnnnnnnn roundabout up up dooowwwnnn (scream [or, if manly, yell]) up spin round and round swirl down (scream/yell) and up up down turn round loopty loop (scream/yell) upside down slam brakes.
And that, my friends, is what is entailed in a rollercoaster! A most enjoyable experience if I do say so myself. Which is why Six Flags is so awesome. You just hop on a rollercoaster, then hop on it again, and again, and again. Once you’ve tired of it, you go hop on another, then another, and another. And you do this all day, or until the park closes. It’s awesome!
Unfortunately for you lot, though, I am not in the mood to stick to one subject. So we shall not be discussing Six Flags, awesome as it is. Instead, we shall be discussing toadstools! Wait…no, we won’t. I know nothing about toadstools. That was just the first word that came to mind. What is a toadstool? Perhaps a stool for a toad. But that makes no sense. Why would a toad need a stool? Ah well, I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation out there somewhere for its name. I could no doubt find it, but I’m too lazy to go Google it now.
Why don’t we talk about lettuce instead? Yes, that is again the first word that popped into my mind. But hey, y’know, random words can make for good discussion. Take lettuce for instance. It’s green, and it’s a vegetable, which means that it’s good for you. Yes, yes it is. Some may try to deny it, but lettuce’s wholesomeness is undeniable. Bunny rabbits like it too. So do guinea pigs. And all those other vegetarian animals. They see lettuce and are all like “Omnomnomnomnom!” Humans like it a bunch too (adults anyway). But they have to load it down with all sorts of fixings and flavors. Just plain lettuce isn’t good enough for them. It’s good enough for the critters, though, so I’d say they’re happier.
Speaking of which, have I ever mentioned how darn cute guinea pigs are? If I haven’t, I’m sorry. If I have, I’m still sorry, because I’m going to mention it again. Those little buggers are beyond cute and they do love a good leaf of lettuce. They also like carrots, grass, leaves, celery, and basically anything that’s green and vegetable-like. You should go Google pics of the little buggers and go “Oooo” and “Aaaahhhh” over how cute they are. Then go buy one of your own and feed it wholesome goodness. Train it to squeak too. They’re even cuter when they squeak.
Besides cute critters there are barrels of crackers. You’d probably want some cheese to go with those crackers though. Just plain crackers can be rather dry after a bit. Unless they’re Ritz crackers, which are awesome with or without cheese. But the barrel of crackers I was actually talking about was not a real barrel of crackers. Oh no. I was speaking of Cracker Barrel, which, if you think about it, is possibly better than a barrel of crackers. They definitely have better pancakes than a barrel of crackers does. Hhhmmm, a barrel of crackers with pancakes. I think I’m on to something. Possibly some syrup too. Mix it all together and serve with milk. Maybe orange juice, or apple, depending on your preference. You’ll definitely need something to drink with that. Just make sure they aren’t salty crackers. If they are, then you’ll be in trouble which I’m not sure you’ll be able to escape. It will hunt you down and force salty crackers down your throat if you try to escape it. Not a good thing. So just avoid those salty crackers with your pancakes and syrup and you’ll be all good.
And that, my friends, is what is entailed in a rollercoaster! A most enjoyable experience if I do say so myself. Which is why Six Flags is so awesome. You just hop on a rollercoaster, then hop on it again, and again, and again. Once you’ve tired of it, you go hop on another, then another, and another. And you do this all day, or until the park closes. It’s awesome!
Unfortunately for you lot, though, I am not in the mood to stick to one subject. So we shall not be discussing Six Flags, awesome as it is. Instead, we shall be discussing toadstools! Wait…no, we won’t. I know nothing about toadstools. That was just the first word that came to mind. What is a toadstool? Perhaps a stool for a toad. But that makes no sense. Why would a toad need a stool? Ah well, I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation out there somewhere for its name. I could no doubt find it, but I’m too lazy to go Google it now.
Why don’t we talk about lettuce instead? Yes, that is again the first word that popped into my mind. But hey, y’know, random words can make for good discussion. Take lettuce for instance. It’s green, and it’s a vegetable, which means that it’s good for you. Yes, yes it is. Some may try to deny it, but lettuce’s wholesomeness is undeniable. Bunny rabbits like it too. So do guinea pigs. And all those other vegetarian animals. They see lettuce and are all like “Omnomnomnomnom!” Humans like it a bunch too (adults anyway). But they have to load it down with all sorts of fixings and flavors. Just plain lettuce isn’t good enough for them. It’s good enough for the critters, though, so I’d say they’re happier.
Speaking of which, have I ever mentioned how darn cute guinea pigs are? If I haven’t, I’m sorry. If I have, I’m still sorry, because I’m going to mention it again. Those little buggers are beyond cute and they do love a good leaf of lettuce. They also like carrots, grass, leaves, celery, and basically anything that’s green and vegetable-like. You should go Google pics of the little buggers and go “Oooo” and “Aaaahhhh” over how cute they are. Then go buy one of your own and feed it wholesome goodness. Train it to squeak too. They’re even cuter when they squeak.
Besides cute critters there are barrels of crackers. You’d probably want some cheese to go with those crackers though. Just plain crackers can be rather dry after a bit. Unless they’re Ritz crackers, which are awesome with or without cheese. But the barrel of crackers I was actually talking about was not a real barrel of crackers. Oh no. I was speaking of Cracker Barrel, which, if you think about it, is possibly better than a barrel of crackers. They definitely have better pancakes than a barrel of crackers does. Hhhmmm, a barrel of crackers with pancakes. I think I’m on to something. Possibly some syrup too. Mix it all together and serve with milk. Maybe orange juice, or apple, depending on your preference. You’ll definitely need something to drink with that. Just make sure they aren’t salty crackers. If they are, then you’ll be in trouble which I’m not sure you’ll be able to escape. It will hunt you down and force salty crackers down your throat if you try to escape it. Not a good thing. So just avoid those salty crackers with your pancakes and syrup and you’ll be all good.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Galactic Travel and World Domination
(When we last left Fred, he, Anthony, and Alexander were about to go places unknown in the alien saucer)
Alexander reared up and pushed a few buttons on the console. There was a flash, and the screen in front of them was filled with a bunch of stars zipping by them faster than a bunch of zippy things.
Fred stared at the stars, mesmerized. “Whoa, that’s so cool.”
Then there was another flash and the zippy stars were replaced with zippy lasers, spaceships, and explosions.
“Holy moly!” Fred yelled. “You’ve brought us to a battle zone, Alexander!”
“Yah! Blow ‘em all to bits!” Anthony yelled.
Alexander nodded and lasers began to shoot out of their saucer, blowing other ones to bits. Something flashed nearby. Their ship shook violently, throwing them all to the ground. Except Alexander of course.
“We’ve been hit!” Fred said. “We have a breach in Hull 9!”
Anthony and Alexander stared at him.
“What are you talking about?” Anthony asked.
Fred shrugged and grinned. “I’ve always wanted to say something like that.”
Alexander rolled his eyes and went back to blowing spaceships out of the sky. Under his brilliant piloting, the rest of the ships were soon debris.
Fred surveyed the scene with satisfaction. “Good work, ol’ boy.”
Anthony also looked around. “Now what?”
“Er…” Fred looked around. “I dunno. Take us somewhere else, Alexander.”
There was a flash, zippy stars, and then a big, green and blue globe right in front of them.
“Wow! Look at that!” Fred shook Anthony’s arm. “An alien world! A whole new world for us to explore!”
“Uh, Fred—“
“Break out the spacesuits, Alexander. We’re heading down!”
“Fred!” Anthony grabbed Fred’s arm as he was heading off. “That’s Earth.”
Fred did a double take and glared at the globe. “Darn it. You’re right. Why’d you bring us back here?” He looked at Alexander accusingly.
Alexander nudged something, bringing up an image on the screen. One of Jonathan seated on a big ol’ throne with all the world leaders bowing to him.
“Holy cow!” Fred exclaimed. “Jonathan’s taken over the world! But how’s that possible? We just left a few minutes ago.”
Alexander nudged something else, bringing the date up on the screen. 6/6/66.
Fred’s jaw dropped. “You cannot be serious.”
“We’ve been gone fifty-four years?!” Anthony asked. “You never said space travel had a time draw thingy, or whatever they’re called, on it!”
“I didn’t know!” Fred protested.
“Alexander!” They both yelled at the same time.
The alligator gave a sheepish shrug and small grin.
Fred took another look at the screen. “Y’know, Jonathan’s looking pretty spry for a hundred or so year old man.”
Anthony took a look too. “What are you saying?”
Fred looked at him blankly. “Huh?”
Anthony rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll take charge then.” He struck his own noble pose. “We’re gonna save the world, boys!” Then he stumbled forward.
“But, but, but,” Fred spluttered. “Didn’t you see the date?”
Anthony regained his pose, trying to remain dignified. “Yeah? So?”
“Can’t we take a vacation and come save the world tomorrow?”
“No!” Anthony jabbed a finger at the screen. “They need us! Tomorrow will be too late!”
“Why is tomorrow always too late?” Fred grumbled. “They’ve done without us for forty-four years, you’d think they could go a day longer.”
“What was that?” Anthony asked.
“Nothing,” Fred said innocently.
Anthony looked at him suspiciously, but didn’t pursue it. “All right, Alexander. CHARGE!”
To be continued…
Alexander reared up and pushed a few buttons on the console. There was a flash, and the screen in front of them was filled with a bunch of stars zipping by them faster than a bunch of zippy things.
Fred stared at the stars, mesmerized. “Whoa, that’s so cool.”
Then there was another flash and the zippy stars were replaced with zippy lasers, spaceships, and explosions.
“Holy moly!” Fred yelled. “You’ve brought us to a battle zone, Alexander!”
“Yah! Blow ‘em all to bits!” Anthony yelled.
Alexander nodded and lasers began to shoot out of their saucer, blowing other ones to bits. Something flashed nearby. Their ship shook violently, throwing them all to the ground. Except Alexander of course.
“We’ve been hit!” Fred said. “We have a breach in Hull 9!”
Anthony and Alexander stared at him.
“What are you talking about?” Anthony asked.
Fred shrugged and grinned. “I’ve always wanted to say something like that.”
Alexander rolled his eyes and went back to blowing spaceships out of the sky. Under his brilliant piloting, the rest of the ships were soon debris.
Fred surveyed the scene with satisfaction. “Good work, ol’ boy.”
Anthony also looked around. “Now what?”
“Er…” Fred looked around. “I dunno. Take us somewhere else, Alexander.”
There was a flash, zippy stars, and then a big, green and blue globe right in front of them.
“Wow! Look at that!” Fred shook Anthony’s arm. “An alien world! A whole new world for us to explore!”
“Uh, Fred—“
“Break out the spacesuits, Alexander. We’re heading down!”
“Fred!” Anthony grabbed Fred’s arm as he was heading off. “That’s Earth.”
Fred did a double take and glared at the globe. “Darn it. You’re right. Why’d you bring us back here?” He looked at Alexander accusingly.
Alexander nudged something, bringing up an image on the screen. One of Jonathan seated on a big ol’ throne with all the world leaders bowing to him.
“Holy cow!” Fred exclaimed. “Jonathan’s taken over the world! But how’s that possible? We just left a few minutes ago.”
Alexander nudged something else, bringing the date up on the screen. 6/6/66.
Fred’s jaw dropped. “You cannot be serious.”
“We’ve been gone fifty-four years?!” Anthony asked. “You never said space travel had a time draw thingy, or whatever they’re called, on it!”
“I didn’t know!” Fred protested.
“Alexander!” They both yelled at the same time.
The alligator gave a sheepish shrug and small grin.
Fred took another look at the screen. “Y’know, Jonathan’s looking pretty spry for a hundred or so year old man.”
Anthony took a look too. “What are you saying?”
Fred looked at him blankly. “Huh?”
Anthony rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll take charge then.” He struck his own noble pose. “We’re gonna save the world, boys!” Then he stumbled forward.
“But, but, but,” Fred spluttered. “Didn’t you see the date?”
Anthony regained his pose, trying to remain dignified. “Yeah? So?”
“Can’t we take a vacation and come save the world tomorrow?”
“No!” Anthony jabbed a finger at the screen. “They need us! Tomorrow will be too late!”
“Why is tomorrow always too late?” Fred grumbled. “They’ve done without us for forty-four years, you’d think they could go a day longer.”
“What was that?” Anthony asked.
“Nothing,” Fred said innocently.
Anthony looked at him suspiciously, but didn’t pursue it. “All right, Alexander. CHARGE!”
To be continued…
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