Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum!

   Why is the rum always gone?  Whenever one picks up the bottle, it’s empty, always empty.  Either that or someone shoots the bottle just as one is about to take a swig.  Wait, I thought rum was combustible.  Why doesn’t it blow up when someone shoots it?  Oh…never mind.  It doesn’t blow up because whenever they shoot it the bottle is already empty.  Because, as we all know by now, the rum is always gone.  Except on one or two deserted islands.  There are still supplies there.  Unless some girl has gone on a crusade to get rid of all the rum.  “Vile drink” she calls it.  What does she know!?  I myself have never had rum, but I’m sure it’s very…rummy!  Haha, get it?  Rummy, yummy?  Oh, right.  This is about pirates and rum, not Scooby-Doo.  Don’t think I’m dissing Scooby though.  I love that dog.  He’s awesome.  Not as awesome as my dog, of course, but he’s still pretty awesome.  Now he just needs to learn to keep hold of the keys like that piraty dog.  Then he will go far in life.  Unless the heathen cannibals get him that is. 
   However!  I stray from topic.  Yes.  Believe it or not, there is a topic.  Can you guess what that is?  You got it one!  Or two…or three…  I hope you got it in one.  If you didn’t, that’s just sad. 
   The topic is all things piraty!  Or rum.  But since rum is piraty, it is included in the topic.  Random fact:  rum is supposed to be included in eggnog.  Tastes better when it isn’t though, amazing as that might be.  Random fact number two: rum is combustible.  In other words, if you put it with fire, it goes BOOM!  Oh wait, I already mentioned that one, didn’t I?  Ah well, doesn’t hurt to mention important facts like that twice, or even three times.  But I’ll refrain from telling you that rum is combustible a third time.
   Now, on to more piraty matters.  Like sharp, pointy objects!  Such as swords and spears.  No, spears are for cannibals.  Okay then, just swords.  A pirate needs two things.  A sword and a bottle of rum.  Without those, one cannot be called a pirate.  A man can have a sword, and a ship, and a crew, but he cannot be called a pirate if he has no rum.  And if a man has a boatload of rum, he cannot be a pirate without a sword.  Therefore, the man with the boatload of rum and the man with the sword and ship and crew should team up and become pirates! 
   There, now that that’s settled, we must move on to other important pirate stuff.  Like super shiny objects worth gads of cash!  Who wouldn’t want some of that?  But with pirates, it’s more than just a want.  It a necessity.  Without their gold, they can’t hold up their heads within the pirating community.  A pirate without his shiny stuff is scorned.  Unless he’s really good with a really big sword.  Then the other pirates will probably skip the scorning part and hide their shiny objects instead.  So, remember.  Rum and a sword make the pirate.  Shiny stuff lends the pride to his voice when he declares his piratness for all the world to hear.
   But, there is yet another thing that a pirate is in need of.  Mateys!  A good pirate needs his mates.  You can’t take on the world alone.  You need someone to watch your back.  You gotta have your pals, the ones you can always count on when you need them.  Who will never, ever, turn tail and run in the face of overwhelming odds.  Those who will always, every single time, without fail, hand you over to the enemy to save their own skins. 
   And those are the things that make a pirate seriously piraty.  Now you know everything you need to know about being a pirate.  So go be piraty!  Just don’t loot anything, or kill anyone, or do anything illegal like that.  Trust me, it'll be better for you overall if you refrain from those parts of the pirating life.  Before anyone asks...no...I do not speak from personal experience...