Concerning Caterpillars

   Steve!  He is a caterpillar.  At the current moment his origins are somewhat in doubt though.  He is either descended from wooly bears, or elasticy plastic.  Either way, the poor guy has no parents.  Mother Nature taught him how to cope with life.  Sadly, it seems she failed miserably because Steve is a quirky little fellow.  Unlike most caterpillars, he has no wish to turn into a butterfly.  Butterflies are girly, and Steve is a manly caterpillar.  He plans to live forever, completely caterpillarly because caterpillars are tough little buggers, and Steve is the toughest of the bunch.  Why, he even takes on birds and wins!  I don’t know of any other caterpillar that can brag of that.  He’s got some serious skills Steve does.  Yes indeedy.  Steve’s got the skills.  Skilled Steve.  Stevey skills.  Skilly Stevey…  He’s got a lot of legs too.  Like a caterpillar…  And he’s kind of fuzzy.  Also like a caterpillar…  He’s all, y’know, caterpillary…
   All right!  I admit it!  I barely know anything about Steve.  Except that’s he a caterpillar.  I made everything else up.  What else was I suppose to do?  Steve won’t confide in me anymore.  He’s given me the cold shoulder.  His life is clouded in clouds of cloudy stuff that obscures everything.  I’m not even entirely sure that he’s a caterpillar actually.  I mean, he could be anything.  He’s never shown himself.  He’s always hiding, as if he’s afraid of something.  He only communicates verbally and through the internet.  Come to think of it, I don’t even know if Steve is really Steve.  He might be an imposter!
   Oh this is terrible, simply terrible.  One moment Steve was my good buddy, my pal.  The next, he’s a shadowy, threatening figure.  He could be a psychopathic killer for all I know, just waiting to lure me into his trap.  Or an evil dictator, using me to prepare his crusade to take over the world.  Or, gasp of all gasps, he could be a caterpillar collector who is trying to get me to reveal caterpillar secrets so he can grab them all and subject them to horrible experimentation!  The poor little buggers!  I gotta do something.  I can’t just sit idly by while little caterpillars are tortured.  It just wouldn’t be right. 
   Okay, that’s it.  Steve, you’ve got to stop right where you are.  There will be no killing me, subjugating the world, or torturing the caterpillars!  I’m putting my foot down here, Steve.  If you don’t stop, I’ll have to do something.  And it’ll be a terrible, horrible, unimaginably awful thing.  You don’t want to face that, I’m warning you.  It would be devastating to your health, both mental and physical.  You might not be able to take it.  You should back down now while I’m in a lenient mood.  Maybe I’ll let you off with just a slap on the wrist.  But only if you stop now!  Otherwise I’ll be forced to extreme measures, and you don’t want that, I’m telling you.  My wrath is a terrible thing.  You should become the caterpillar you first claimed to be and live a happy, caterpillar life, free from the stress of killing, subjugating, and torturing.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  You bet your buttons it would be.  Just think about it for a bit.  Caterpillars got it made!  They just go around eating leaves and stuff, with their cute little fuzziness.  Sure, there’s some danger with birds and stuff, but hey, you’ve got the skills, remember?  You can whoop up on them birds and be the most awesome caterpillar ever.  All the other caterpillars will be like “oh man, there’s Steve.  He’s the most awesomest caterpillar of all time.”  And you can just smile and wave. 
   Yeah, that would be awesome… 
   Y’know, forget about it Steve.  Do whatever you want.  I don’t care anymore.  I’m gonna go be a caterpillar!