My friends, I am afraid I must give you some bad news. For the next three weeks I shall not be blogging. Things are piling up here as the end of the semester draws near.
Never fear, though. On the 17th, Owen Tucker shall return.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Oh. Wrong holiday? I knew that! What I meant to say is, Happy Thanksgiving! May you eat turkey evermore and count thine blessings.
Have a good day everyone.
Oh. Wrong holiday? I knew that! What I meant to say is, Happy Thanksgiving! May you eat turkey evermore and count thine blessings.
Have a good day everyone.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Newcomer
Note from Owen Tucker: You may read the paragraphs following this and become righteously indignant, saying that these legends were horribly mangled. This, I will not argue with. All I can say is that I’m relating these things as they happened to me. Who knows? Maybe we’ve had the wrong legends this whole time.
“Pft, that’s nothing. I never knew my mother, father, or even an uncle!”
I spun around to find the source of this new voice, which happened to be an dark skinned kid in robes floating up on a magic carpet about ten feet up.
My my. The nut jobs really are attracted to you.
The kid frowned. “Your ring is really very rude. You should do something about that.”
I gape at him. “You can hear him?”
“Of course I can.”
“But, how?”
The kid held up his right hand and wiggled his ring finger, upon which a ring was sitting.
“You’ve got a magic ring too?”
He grinned. “No duh.”
I glared at Dave and Poncho. “So much for that whole mighty, powerful, and really unique junk.”
I am far more powerful than that fellow’s ring.
So am I, as it has been established that I’m more powerful than Davey.
No such thing has been established!
The kid chuckled. “Yeah, Cameon, I completely agree.”
I scratched my head. Things were getting a bit more complicated than usual.
“So, uh,” I started. “Who’s Cameon?”
“My ring.”
“Oh. But I didn’t hear him say anything.”
The kid shrugged. “Sucks to be you, then. Because he just said something.”
“You are a very insolent boy,” Dan interjected. “I believe we should curb his tongue, Sir Owen.”
Fire formed around his hand.
I rolled my hands. “You’re really going to shoot a ten year old kid with a fireball?”
“Hey!” the kid objected. “I’m twelve.”
“Same diff, little punk. What’s your name anyway?”
“Alabbin.”
I frowned. “Say what again?”
“Alabbin. Haven’t you heard of me?”
I shook my head. “Nope, sure haven’t. I’ve heard of Aladdin, though.”
“You must have heard of me! I am the famous Alabbin. I steal from the rich and give to the poor!”
I held up a hand. “Wait wait wait. That’s Robin Hood there.”
He frowned. “Who is Robin Hood?”
“He’s the guy who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.”
Alabbin shrugged. “Never heard of him. But he is clearly trying to ride off of my reputation.”
“What reputation?”
“Haven’t you been listening? I’m the most notorious ‘criminal’,” he made the accompanying hand gestures with the word, “in the ten kingdoms.”
“What ten kingdoms?”
Alabbin was silent for a few seconds, then he nodded. “I agree. He is rather dense.”
“Hey! No need to be rude here.”
He shrugged and grinned. “Simply agreeing with my good, truth telling friend.”
I glared at him. “Be that as it may, still no call. Now, since you are obviously Aladdin in disguise, I assume you have a magic lamp?”
He glanced up at the sky. “Lamp? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oho, sure. Now I know you definitely have a magic lamp. And at the moment, a magic lamp would be a really big help. So might we be able to borrow it for a moment?”
He rubbed his chin. “Hm, lemme think about that. No!”
With that, he jerked his carpet around and sped away.
“After him!” I yelled and took off running.
Well, running through sand is slow business, and Alabbin began getting smaller and smaller in the distance.
“We’re losing him! Can’t you make us fly or something, Dave? What good is a magic ring if I have to walk everywhere?”
And just like that I was streaking along ten feet off the ground.
To be continued…
“Pft, that’s nothing. I never knew my mother, father, or even an uncle!”
I spun around to find the source of this new voice, which happened to be an dark skinned kid in robes floating up on a magic carpet about ten feet up.
My my. The nut jobs really are attracted to you.
The kid frowned. “Your ring is really very rude. You should do something about that.”
I gape at him. “You can hear him?”
“Of course I can.”
“But, how?”
The kid held up his right hand and wiggled his ring finger, upon which a ring was sitting.
“You’ve got a magic ring too?”
He grinned. “No duh.”
I glared at Dave and Poncho. “So much for that whole mighty, powerful, and really unique junk.”
I am far more powerful than that fellow’s ring.
So am I, as it has been established that I’m more powerful than Davey.
No such thing has been established!
The kid chuckled. “Yeah, Cameon, I completely agree.”
I scratched my head. Things were getting a bit more complicated than usual.
“So, uh,” I started. “Who’s Cameon?”
“My ring.”
“Oh. But I didn’t hear him say anything.”
The kid shrugged. “Sucks to be you, then. Because he just said something.”
“You are a very insolent boy,” Dan interjected. “I believe we should curb his tongue, Sir Owen.”
Fire formed around his hand.
I rolled my hands. “You’re really going to shoot a ten year old kid with a fireball?”
“Hey!” the kid objected. “I’m twelve.”
“Same diff, little punk. What’s your name anyway?”
“Alabbin.”
I frowned. “Say what again?”
“Alabbin. Haven’t you heard of me?”
I shook my head. “Nope, sure haven’t. I’ve heard of Aladdin, though.”
“You must have heard of me! I am the famous Alabbin. I steal from the rich and give to the poor!”
I held up a hand. “Wait wait wait. That’s Robin Hood there.”
He frowned. “Who is Robin Hood?”
“He’s the guy who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.”
Alabbin shrugged. “Never heard of him. But he is clearly trying to ride off of my reputation.”
“What reputation?”
“Haven’t you been listening? I’m the most notorious ‘criminal’,” he made the accompanying hand gestures with the word, “in the ten kingdoms.”
“What ten kingdoms?”
Alabbin was silent for a few seconds, then he nodded. “I agree. He is rather dense.”
“Hey! No need to be rude here.”
He shrugged and grinned. “Simply agreeing with my good, truth telling friend.”
I glared at him. “Be that as it may, still no call. Now, since you are obviously Aladdin in disguise, I assume you have a magic lamp?”
He glanced up at the sky. “Lamp? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oho, sure. Now I know you definitely have a magic lamp. And at the moment, a magic lamp would be a really big help. So might we be able to borrow it for a moment?”
He rubbed his chin. “Hm, lemme think about that. No!”
With that, he jerked his carpet around and sped away.
“After him!” I yelled and took off running.
Well, running through sand is slow business, and Alabbin began getting smaller and smaller in the distance.
“We’re losing him! Can’t you make us fly or something, Dave? What good is a magic ring if I have to walk everywhere?”
And just like that I was streaking along ten feet off the ground.
To be continued…
Thursday, November 15, 2012
We Wish You A Merry Christmas!
So. We meet again.
Activate tree powers!
(For those not in the loop, that means I just turned into a tree which somehow saved the universe. How I accomplished this is for me to know and you to not.)
And how the above sentences in any way relate to the rest of this post is for someone to know and me to wonder about. However, I do think that posts should have some relevancy. That there should be a point around which the whole post revolves. Usually something like that helps.
Not today.
Today we have what is best known as irrelevancy (I was going to say nonrelevancy, but it turns out that’s not a word). It’s the thing where I say something like, if the world were to stop turning right now you would probably die, and it makes complete sense. Of course, when you think about that one a bit more, it really does make perfect sense. But if your dog ate your pickle, your cat would die in a terrible car accident. And that would not make very much sense at all. Although it would imply that the world is not quite right, which would be correct in the current circumstantial circumstances. If you were the one that ate that cheeseburger on the 22nd of March 2003. If that wasn’t you, well then I’m sorry to say that you aren’t the lucky bugger who just became a million dollars richer. But if you would like to know the chap’s name, you can ask the nice lady at the condiment bar. She’ll tell you. Or she could just smile and hand you some napkins and ketchup. That’s always possible too. It’s a bit of a gamble though. Because if she doesn’t do either of those things, you’ll probably die. And if you take the ketchup, you’ll definitely die. But if you refuse the napkins, you just might live. So long as the flying spiders don’t get you first. Oh, and the grammar Nazis. Those guys are vicious. Hitler had no idea what he created.
Hey, did you know that gravity is a lie? Yup, it’s true. Gravity is not what keeps us glued to this planet. And I, brilliant as I am, have discovered what the truth is. The fact is that nothing keeps us here. That’s right, nothing at all. There is no force, tangible or otherwise, that is keeping us from floating away. Do you know why? Okay then, I’ll tell you why. It’s because we believe that gravity keeps us here. It is impossible for us to wrap our minds around the possibility that gravity is nonexistent and that we could fly if we would simply acknowledge this fact. After all, what is gravity? Naught but an idea brought about by an apple to some dreamer dreaming a dream under a tree. Having dreamed his dream, the apple dropped upon his head and dispelled that dream, prompting a single word to his mind. Gravity. A word the entire world accepted as truth. A deception that sweep the earth like no other. Never questioned, never doubted.
Until now.
Cue dramatic music! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!
Hhhmmm. Y’know, I kinda think the dramatic music there rather killed the drama. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
Activate tree powers!
(For those not in the loop, that means I just turned into a tree which somehow saved the universe. How I accomplished this is for me to know and you to not.)
And how the above sentences in any way relate to the rest of this post is for someone to know and me to wonder about. However, I do think that posts should have some relevancy. That there should be a point around which the whole post revolves. Usually something like that helps.
Not today.
Today we have what is best known as irrelevancy (I was going to say nonrelevancy, but it turns out that’s not a word). It’s the thing where I say something like, if the world were to stop turning right now you would probably die, and it makes complete sense. Of course, when you think about that one a bit more, it really does make perfect sense. But if your dog ate your pickle, your cat would die in a terrible car accident. And that would not make very much sense at all. Although it would imply that the world is not quite right, which would be correct in the current circumstantial circumstances. If you were the one that ate that cheeseburger on the 22nd of March 2003. If that wasn’t you, well then I’m sorry to say that you aren’t the lucky bugger who just became a million dollars richer. But if you would like to know the chap’s name, you can ask the nice lady at the condiment bar. She’ll tell you. Or she could just smile and hand you some napkins and ketchup. That’s always possible too. It’s a bit of a gamble though. Because if she doesn’t do either of those things, you’ll probably die. And if you take the ketchup, you’ll definitely die. But if you refuse the napkins, you just might live. So long as the flying spiders don’t get you first. Oh, and the grammar Nazis. Those guys are vicious. Hitler had no idea what he created.
Hey, did you know that gravity is a lie? Yup, it’s true. Gravity is not what keeps us glued to this planet. And I, brilliant as I am, have discovered what the truth is. The fact is that nothing keeps us here. That’s right, nothing at all. There is no force, tangible or otherwise, that is keeping us from floating away. Do you know why? Okay then, I’ll tell you why. It’s because we believe that gravity keeps us here. It is impossible for us to wrap our minds around the possibility that gravity is nonexistent and that we could fly if we would simply acknowledge this fact. After all, what is gravity? Naught but an idea brought about by an apple to some dreamer dreaming a dream under a tree. Having dreamed his dream, the apple dropped upon his head and dispelled that dream, prompting a single word to his mind. Gravity. A word the entire world accepted as truth. A deception that sweep the earth like no other. Never questioned, never doubted.
Until now.
Cue dramatic music! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!
Hhhmmm. Y’know, I kinda think the dramatic music there rather killed the drama. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sand Grains and Mothers
The first thing that hit me, literally and figuratively, was the heat.
“It is quite hot here,” Dan said.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Pretty darn like.”
As I take a closer look around, something seems off. Or, maybe on.
“Hey!” I yell, making the kids jump. “I think I recognize this place.”
“Are ya daft, laddie?” Wilfred scoffed. “It’s a desert. Big, sendy heels fer as far as ya can see. Thay all look tha sem.”
“Oh no,” I shook my head. “Not to me. I can tell by some of the sand grains.”
Dave snorted. Sand grains. Right.
MphmmmmM!
“Poncho, I will let you speak again on the condition that you and Dave do not bore me to tears with your hatred of each other. Okay?”
Mhm.
“All right. Dave, let him talk again.”
Must I really?
“Yes, yes you must.”
Very well.
Poncho sighed. Ah. Oh yes, that’s much better.
“Poncho!” Dan exclaimed. “My old friend! Where have you been?”
Do I really have to answer that?
I shook my head just a tad, but didn’t say anything.
In that case, Dan, continue to wonder.
“Why thank you, Poncho,” Dan said. “I believe I’ll do that.”
“Yes, good,” I said. “You have fun. Can we please get back to this familiar desert?”
All right, Owen. Just how, pray tell, can you distinguish between grains of sand?
“Well you see,” I reached down and grabbed a handful of sand. “Each grain is like a snowflake. No two are alike.” I pour the sand out until I have just a few grains left. “Now, if you look close enough, you can plainly see the difference.”
Wilfred landed on my hand next to the grains. “Are ya sure aboot thet, laddie?”
“Yes, yes I am. You of all, er, flies should be able to tell that.”
“Weel Ah’m afraid Ah cen’t.”
I held my ring hand up to my other hand. “How about you, Dave? Can you tell?”
Why yes. That grain on the right has a distinctive purple look while the other looks rather green.
“Exactly! Wait…” I looked again. “They do not! That one is yellow, and that one is brown. What are you, color blind?”
As ever, Davey, your sarcasm fails with amazing success.
Oh shut it, Poncho. You have never appreciated the fine arts.
“Hey! You two. Don’t even get started. We’ve got more important things to discuss. Because I have definitely seen this desert before.”
“Naw, laddie, Ah’m afraid you haven’t.”
“Don’t tell me what I haven’t seen!” I thought for a second. “Hhmm, that sounds really familiar.” I thought some more. “Oh well, I lost it.”
I’m thinking there is something seriously wrong with this boy.
And you’re just now figuring this out?
No. I thought that the first time he spoke. I just now decided to chuck all courtesy and say it out loud.
Oh, well, good for you then.
“You guys do know that I can hear you, right?”
Yes, of course.
Why would we be talking about you otherwise?
“Now that’s just rude. Didn’t your mothers teach you manners?”
Mothers? What mothers? We’re rings, we don’t have mothers.
“Oh. That’s…sad.”
No. It’s…actually…yeah…it is kind of sad…
Oh man up, Poncho.
But, Dave, I never had a mother!
Neither did I, but do you hear me crying about it?
No. But that’s because you’re coldhearted and cruel.
True.
“Okay, guys, I did not mean to start a pity party here.”
I am not engaging in any self-pity. I am perfectly functional even without a mother, thank you very much.
I never knew my mother!
To be continued…
“It is quite hot here,” Dan said.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Pretty darn like.”
As I take a closer look around, something seems off. Or, maybe on.
“Hey!” I yell, making the kids jump. “I think I recognize this place.”
“Are ya daft, laddie?” Wilfred scoffed. “It’s a desert. Big, sendy heels fer as far as ya can see. Thay all look tha sem.”
“Oh no,” I shook my head. “Not to me. I can tell by some of the sand grains.”
Dave snorted. Sand grains. Right.
MphmmmmM!
“Poncho, I will let you speak again on the condition that you and Dave do not bore me to tears with your hatred of each other. Okay?”
Mhm.
“All right. Dave, let him talk again.”
Must I really?
“Yes, yes you must.”
Very well.
Poncho sighed. Ah. Oh yes, that’s much better.
“Poncho!” Dan exclaimed. “My old friend! Where have you been?”
Do I really have to answer that?
I shook my head just a tad, but didn’t say anything.
In that case, Dan, continue to wonder.
“Why thank you, Poncho,” Dan said. “I believe I’ll do that.”
“Yes, good,” I said. “You have fun. Can we please get back to this familiar desert?”
All right, Owen. Just how, pray tell, can you distinguish between grains of sand?
“Well you see,” I reached down and grabbed a handful of sand. “Each grain is like a snowflake. No two are alike.” I pour the sand out until I have just a few grains left. “Now, if you look close enough, you can plainly see the difference.”
Wilfred landed on my hand next to the grains. “Are ya sure aboot thet, laddie?”
“Yes, yes I am. You of all, er, flies should be able to tell that.”
“Weel Ah’m afraid Ah cen’t.”
I held my ring hand up to my other hand. “How about you, Dave? Can you tell?”
Why yes. That grain on the right has a distinctive purple look while the other looks rather green.
“Exactly! Wait…” I looked again. “They do not! That one is yellow, and that one is brown. What are you, color blind?”
As ever, Davey, your sarcasm fails with amazing success.
Oh shut it, Poncho. You have never appreciated the fine arts.
“Hey! You two. Don’t even get started. We’ve got more important things to discuss. Because I have definitely seen this desert before.”
“Naw, laddie, Ah’m afraid you haven’t.”
“Don’t tell me what I haven’t seen!” I thought for a second. “Hhmm, that sounds really familiar.” I thought some more. “Oh well, I lost it.”
I’m thinking there is something seriously wrong with this boy.
And you’re just now figuring this out?
No. I thought that the first time he spoke. I just now decided to chuck all courtesy and say it out loud.
Oh, well, good for you then.
“You guys do know that I can hear you, right?”
Yes, of course.
Why would we be talking about you otherwise?
“Now that’s just rude. Didn’t your mothers teach you manners?”
Mothers? What mothers? We’re rings, we don’t have mothers.
“Oh. That’s…sad.”
No. It’s…actually…yeah…it is kind of sad…
Oh man up, Poncho.
But, Dave, I never had a mother!
Neither did I, but do you hear me crying about it?
No. But that’s because you’re coldhearted and cruel.
True.
“Okay, guys, I did not mean to start a pity party here.”
I am not engaging in any self-pity. I am perfectly functional even without a mother, thank you very much.
I never knew my mother!
To be continued…
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Fallish Stuff
My friends (or enemies), the season that is known as fall is upon us. Unless of course you’re in a place like, uh, say Texas, where Christmas weather is high seventies. Which kind of sucks sometimes. Because right now, even though we’re already in November, the weather here is still bright, sunny, and hot. In November. Now that’s just wrong.
And you know something else wrong with November that is completely unrelated to the weather? Turkeys. Yes, I did just say turkeys. The fowls we devour on Thanksgiving Day. Those are indeed the ones I am referring to. Why are turkeys wrong? Because they are! Does everything need a reason to be wrong? Can’t something just be wrong because it is? Ugh, fine. You want a reason, I’ll give you a reason. But it is a terrible, terrible reason that may scar you for the rest of your life. If you really wish to know it, keep on reading. If you don’t, skip the next paragraph.
You wanted to know, so now you’ll know. This is the reason turkeys are wrong. The Turkey Holocaust. Otherwise known as, Thanksgiving. That’s right. The time of year when turkeys are rounded up and slaughtered in the millions. A day celebrated by countless thousands, millions, billions, trillions! Because it isn’t just this year. It wasn’t just last year. It was the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and, I hope you’re beginning to see the pattern, the year before that! It has been going on for centuries. And growing for centuries. The meals becoming ever more extravagant. And the turkey remains the focal point of it all. Now, Thanksgiving wouldn’t be right without the turkey. Well, by all means, keep the turkey. There is nothing to say you can’t have the turkey. Just not fried and dead on your platters. I’m sure your turkey would love to join you for some cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving, and just maybe a bit of that pumpkin pie.
It’s like Elmo eating Big Bird, just because it’s Thanksgiving. Think of what kind of message that’s sending your children. “Hey kids. When the holiday gets here, remember, it’s national eat your bird friend day. Have fun.” Imagine the carnage that would ensue. Wait. No. On second thought, don’t imagine. It’s better left alone. The possibilities are too gruesome. Cats doing it is bad enough, the thought of little children joining in is simply too horrific. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Agh! Stop talking about it, would you! Now I can get these images out of my head. Oh man, I’m never getting a good night’s sleep again.
What I’m trying to say here is that as Thanksgiving approaches, just stop to think for a second. Think about your life, your family, your friends, everything you have. All that is good and wonderful about life. Then ask yourself this question. With all those wonderful things you have, do you really need to ruin that image of love and prosperity by bloodily murdering a turkey for your dinner?
And you know something else wrong with November that is completely unrelated to the weather? Turkeys. Yes, I did just say turkeys. The fowls we devour on Thanksgiving Day. Those are indeed the ones I am referring to. Why are turkeys wrong? Because they are! Does everything need a reason to be wrong? Can’t something just be wrong because it is? Ugh, fine. You want a reason, I’ll give you a reason. But it is a terrible, terrible reason that may scar you for the rest of your life. If you really wish to know it, keep on reading. If you don’t, skip the next paragraph.
You wanted to know, so now you’ll know. This is the reason turkeys are wrong. The Turkey Holocaust. Otherwise known as, Thanksgiving. That’s right. The time of year when turkeys are rounded up and slaughtered in the millions. A day celebrated by countless thousands, millions, billions, trillions! Because it isn’t just this year. It wasn’t just last year. It was the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and, I hope you’re beginning to see the pattern, the year before that! It has been going on for centuries. And growing for centuries. The meals becoming ever more extravagant. And the turkey remains the focal point of it all. Now, Thanksgiving wouldn’t be right without the turkey. Well, by all means, keep the turkey. There is nothing to say you can’t have the turkey. Just not fried and dead on your platters. I’m sure your turkey would love to join you for some cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving, and just maybe a bit of that pumpkin pie.
It’s like Elmo eating Big Bird, just because it’s Thanksgiving. Think of what kind of message that’s sending your children. “Hey kids. When the holiday gets here, remember, it’s national eat your bird friend day. Have fun.” Imagine the carnage that would ensue. Wait. No. On second thought, don’t imagine. It’s better left alone. The possibilities are too gruesome. Cats doing it is bad enough, the thought of little children joining in is simply too horrific. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Agh! Stop talking about it, would you! Now I can get these images out of my head. Oh man, I’m never getting a good night’s sleep again.
What I’m trying to say here is that as Thanksgiving approaches, just stop to think for a second. Think about your life, your family, your friends, everything you have. All that is good and wonderful about life. Then ask yourself this question. With all those wonderful things you have, do you really need to ruin that image of love and prosperity by bloodily murdering a turkey for your dinner?
Monday, November 5, 2012
Around the Universe in Six Feet
Note: Sorry guys, no Owen today. Instead, here's a story about another kid I know.
This story is about a kid who was bored. He got so bored he found the nearest bottomless pit and threw himself into it. He fell the tiresome amount of five feet, and disappeared.
When he reappeared, he was in space and he wasn’t dead, just floating around. He waved his arms and legs, but it only spun him in circles and made him sick. Next he tried blowing himself around. He blew as hard as he could, but it didn’t do anything at all. A meteor flew by and he stopped mid-blow and stared. It was a very slow and strange meteor. It flew in lazy circles around him. It went round and round, making him sick again. Then it stopped in front of him. It hovered there, motionless and said.
“What are you doing?”
The kid stared at the meteor for several minutes before realizing that it had asked him a question.
“Oh, uh, I’m blowing myself someplace.” He thought the meteor was staring at him, but since it didn’t have a face he couldn’t tell for sure.
“You’re going real fast.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
“You want a ride?” The meteor asked.
“Sure!”
“Hop on.”
“Okay.”
Without further ado, the kid hopped onto the meteor. As soon as the kid had taken hold, the meteor streaked off into space. Lucky the meteor had plenty of handholds, so the kid didn’t fall off. His transport flew up, faster and faster, then plunged straight down, into the black darkness of space. Then it shot off towards the sun.
“Look out!“ The kid yelled.
“Why?” The meteor asked.
“If we hit that, we’ll be crispified!”
“No we won’t.”
The meteor laughed as it headed straight for the sun. As it streaked closer and closer the kid screamed in fear, but the scream was lost in the empty space of space. They hit the sun and went right on going. There was a whole other world inside the sun. It was amazingly bright; everything was crystal clear, no clouds, darkness or shadows. Just light, everywhere and everything was pure light. The kid stared in amazement. There were light-people dancing around everywhere inside the sun, with no gravity of any kind. They floated, bounced, jumped and ran all over the place.
The meteor went in a slow circle, all the way around the inside of the sun. Then it shot up and burst outside, back into space. This time it headed directly for the planet Jupiter. It looked so small from the sun, but as they got closer, it grew bigger. They were in and out of it, poof! Just like that, streaking into the unknown beyond.
The kid saw another planet in the distance. It was big, it was huge, and it looked a lot like, Earth. The meteor had pulled a super sharp u-turn as soon as they had entered Jupiter and shot back to Earth. It slowed as they approached, until they were hovering above the earth.
“Why didn’t you bust into it?” The kid asked.
“Because I can’t.” The meteor answered. “If I did, we’d be flatter then pancakes.”
“Oh. Well, what now?”
“Now you get off.”
The meteor performed a quick flip and the kid fell the amazing amount of one foot and hit the bottom of the six foot cliff.
This story is about a kid who was bored. He got so bored he found the nearest bottomless pit and threw himself into it. He fell the tiresome amount of five feet, and disappeared.
When he reappeared, he was in space and he wasn’t dead, just floating around. He waved his arms and legs, but it only spun him in circles and made him sick. Next he tried blowing himself around. He blew as hard as he could, but it didn’t do anything at all. A meteor flew by and he stopped mid-blow and stared. It was a very slow and strange meteor. It flew in lazy circles around him. It went round and round, making him sick again. Then it stopped in front of him. It hovered there, motionless and said.
“What are you doing?”
The kid stared at the meteor for several minutes before realizing that it had asked him a question.
“Oh, uh, I’m blowing myself someplace.” He thought the meteor was staring at him, but since it didn’t have a face he couldn’t tell for sure.
“You’re going real fast.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
“You want a ride?” The meteor asked.
“Sure!”
“Hop on.”
“Okay.”
Without further ado, the kid hopped onto the meteor. As soon as the kid had taken hold, the meteor streaked off into space. Lucky the meteor had plenty of handholds, so the kid didn’t fall off. His transport flew up, faster and faster, then plunged straight down, into the black darkness of space. Then it shot off towards the sun.
“Look out!“ The kid yelled.
“Why?” The meteor asked.
“If we hit that, we’ll be crispified!”
“No we won’t.”
The meteor laughed as it headed straight for the sun. As it streaked closer and closer the kid screamed in fear, but the scream was lost in the empty space of space. They hit the sun and went right on going. There was a whole other world inside the sun. It was amazingly bright; everything was crystal clear, no clouds, darkness or shadows. Just light, everywhere and everything was pure light. The kid stared in amazement. There were light-people dancing around everywhere inside the sun, with no gravity of any kind. They floated, bounced, jumped and ran all over the place.
The meteor went in a slow circle, all the way around the inside of the sun. Then it shot up and burst outside, back into space. This time it headed directly for the planet Jupiter. It looked so small from the sun, but as they got closer, it grew bigger. They were in and out of it, poof! Just like that, streaking into the unknown beyond.
The kid saw another planet in the distance. It was big, it was huge, and it looked a lot like, Earth. The meteor had pulled a super sharp u-turn as soon as they had entered Jupiter and shot back to Earth. It slowed as they approached, until they were hovering above the earth.
“Why didn’t you bust into it?” The kid asked.
“Because I can’t.” The meteor answered. “If I did, we’d be flatter then pancakes.”
“Oh. Well, what now?”
“Now you get off.”
The meteor performed a quick flip and the kid fell the amazing amount of one foot and hit the bottom of the six foot cliff.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Time for a Test
Tests. You gotta love them. Love to hate them that is. I mean really, who likes tests? Let’s face it, tests are hard, unpleasant, and just not nice all around. And if you’re thinking, “psh, whatever, I’ve got easy tests”, then those ain’t real tests. The very definition of the word “test” means something difficult. Something tough, not easy, that pushes you to the limit of your endurance! And then, when you get there, it kills you! Deader than a dead doornail made out of dead metal in a dead plant of deadness. Yes, that is pretty dead.
And there are so many freakin’ tests! School tests, school tests, school tests, oh hey, did I mention the school tests? They aren’t the only tests, of course, but for the early years of your life, those are the main ones. Then we’ve got the moral tests, courage tests, physiological tests, attention tests, patience tests, and all sorts of junky tests like that one there.
Here is a very difficult moral test for you. It is about an hour before dinnertime. Your mother has told you that you are not allowed to eat anything before dinner. BUT! You are very hungry. And you just happened to know that there is one cookie left in the cookie jar. Just one, no more, no less. Don’t forget, you are very hungry. The question is, should you eat the cookie, not eat the cookie, or feed the cookie to starving animal living outside under your shed?
This is a very serious dilemma. If you eat the cookie, you will be full and satisfied till dinnertime. A most satisfactory result. If you do not eat the cookie, you will be empty till dinner, not quite satisfactory. If you give the cookie to the starving animal that is living under your shed, your mother will think that you ate the cookie, never believing your story about the animal under your shed. A most unsatisfactory result. Thus, the obvious solution to this test is to eat the cookie!
Now, for a test of your courage. You must be an extremely courageous person if you are to succeed at this test. You’re at home. Your mother is driving home. She turns into the driveway (it’s a very long driveway) and her accelerator sticks. All the way down. You have three choices. You can jump in front of the car in the hopes that your body will provide sufficient cushion to make a difference. You can throw your little brother, who happens to be standing next to you, in front of the car, in the hopes that his body will provide some cushion at all. Or, you can do nothing.
Of course the first one isn’t desirable, as it would undoubtedly end in your death and really not change anything. The second seems like a good idea though. You stay alive, uninjured, and live on with a feeling of having successfully doing everything in your power given the situation. The third leaves you feeling like a useless failure at life who freezes up at every emergency. And so we come to the conclusion that the solution is to toss your little brother in front of the car!
And there you are! Two fully developed simulations that let you know exactly what to do in scary situations like that. You’re very welcome.
Note from the editors: The author of this post is insane and demon-possessed. Whether you take his advice or not is up to you. The consequences of whatever actions you may take, whether or not they are influenced by this post at all, are on your head entirely.
And there are so many freakin’ tests! School tests, school tests, school tests, oh hey, did I mention the school tests? They aren’t the only tests, of course, but for the early years of your life, those are the main ones. Then we’ve got the moral tests, courage tests, physiological tests, attention tests, patience tests, and all sorts of junky tests like that one there.
Here is a very difficult moral test for you. It is about an hour before dinnertime. Your mother has told you that you are not allowed to eat anything before dinner. BUT! You are very hungry. And you just happened to know that there is one cookie left in the cookie jar. Just one, no more, no less. Don’t forget, you are very hungry. The question is, should you eat the cookie, not eat the cookie, or feed the cookie to starving animal living outside under your shed?
This is a very serious dilemma. If you eat the cookie, you will be full and satisfied till dinnertime. A most satisfactory result. If you do not eat the cookie, you will be empty till dinner, not quite satisfactory. If you give the cookie to the starving animal that is living under your shed, your mother will think that you ate the cookie, never believing your story about the animal under your shed. A most unsatisfactory result. Thus, the obvious solution to this test is to eat the cookie!
Now, for a test of your courage. You must be an extremely courageous person if you are to succeed at this test. You’re at home. Your mother is driving home. She turns into the driveway (it’s a very long driveway) and her accelerator sticks. All the way down. You have three choices. You can jump in front of the car in the hopes that your body will provide sufficient cushion to make a difference. You can throw your little brother, who happens to be standing next to you, in front of the car, in the hopes that his body will provide some cushion at all. Or, you can do nothing.
Of course the first one isn’t desirable, as it would undoubtedly end in your death and really not change anything. The second seems like a good idea though. You stay alive, uninjured, and live on with a feeling of having successfully doing everything in your power given the situation. The third leaves you feeling like a useless failure at life who freezes up at every emergency. And so we come to the conclusion that the solution is to toss your little brother in front of the car!
And there you are! Two fully developed simulations that let you know exactly what to do in scary situations like that. You’re very welcome.
Note from the editors: The author of this post is insane and demon-possessed. Whether you take his advice or not is up to you. The consequences of whatever actions you may take, whether or not they are influenced by this post at all, are on your head entirely.
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