Super Gator!

   (When we last left Fred, he and Anthony had just received Alexander the alligator from John Smith)

   Fred and Anthony were sitting on the side of the road with Alexander between then, speculating on what they could do.
   “What do you think he can do?” Anthony asked, tapping Alexander’s nose.
   Fred patted the gator’s back. “I’ll bet this guy can do anything.  Can’t you, boy?”
   Alexander bobbed his head.  Fred laughed, but Anthony looked surprised. 
   “He can understand us?”
   “’Course he can,” Fred replied. “He wouldn’t be a genius alligator if he couldn’t.”
   Anthony grinned. “Sweet.  What should we do with him?”
   “Anthony!” Fred said in a shocked voice. “We won’t use our friend Alexander.”
   “But, I thought—“
   “He’ll be a willing accomplice,” Fred continued. “Won’t you, Alexander?”
   Alexander bobbed his head again.
   “Y’see?” Fred grinned.
   Anthony shrugged. “All right then.  What is Alexander going to willingly help us accomplish?”
   “We’re gonna go back to that PEANUT place and take it over!”
   Anthony stared at Fred. “You’re not serious.”
   “I’m as serious as Abraham Lincoln was honest.”
   “He was very honest, wasn’t he?”
   “Heck yes he was!  The most honest president ever.”
   Anthony smirked. “That’s not saying much.”
   Fred was about to protested, then realized he had nothing to protest. “Not these days anyway.”
   “So you’re really serious about charging the PEANUT HQ with Alexander?”
   “Dead serious.”
   “Don’t say that,” Anthony looked nervous. “It might be a predomination.”
   Fred laughed. “Don’t worry about it.  With Alexander we’ll blow ‘em all away.”
   “But,” Anthony hesitated. “He’s just an alligator.  They’ve got guns and stuff.”
   Fred waved his protests away. “Pft.  He can take it.”
   Anthony still looked doubtful. “If you say so.”
   “I do,” Fred said decidedly. “Let’s go.”
   They walked back to the PEANUT HQ and stopped outside it.
   “Ready, Alexander?” Fred asked.
   The alligator bobbed his head.
   “Then LET’S DO THIS THING!” 
   Fred shoved the doors open and Alexander charged in.  Fred and Anthony watched from the doors as Alexander caused chaos.  The initial reaction was little girl screams and everyone running for their lives.  Then the man who had come out and yelled at them before rallied his men and started shooting at Alexander.  Anthony covered his eyes, but Fred gaped as Alexander simply opened his mouth and ate the bullets. 
   “Whoa!” he yelled. “How did he do that?”
   Anthony uncovered his eyes. “Do what?”
   “Alexander just ate the bullets!”
   “What!?  How’d he do that?!”
   “That’s what I want to know!”
   But Alexander wasn’t about to stop and tell them.  He was too busy charging the men who were shooting at him and eating the guns they threw aside as they ran away.
   Fred laughed triumphantly. “See?  I told you he could do anything.  He can eat anything too.”
   Anthony laughed too, from relief. “I guess he can.”
   By now Alexander had completely routed the whole bunch and came sauntering back to Fred and Anthony.
   Fred gave him a slap on the back. “Good job, boy!  All you needed was to have someone believe in you.”
   Anthony laughed as he rubbed Alexander’s head. “Do you have any idea how cliché that sounds?”
   Alexander bobbed his head before Fred could reply and they dissolved into laughter.  Alexander even contributed a cough or two that could be translated as chuckles.

  To be continued….

Controversy

   I recently began working at Chick-Fil-A.  Awesome place, great people, and good food.  But no cheeseburgers.  It’s all about the eating more chicken and stuff to save the cows, but man, I do like a good cheeseburger.  Then, to my horror, I realized yesterday that I have not eaten a cheeseburger, or even a plain hamburger, since I started working at Chick.  Can you believe that?  That means it’s been like, six weeks since I’ve had a cheeseburger.  Me, without a cheeseburger for six weeks at least.  This must be some form of brainwashing.  As soon as they hire you those Chick-Fil-A people must start working at your subconscious, hitting it with a hefty dose of “more chicken, more chicken, more chicken” day in and day out.  Now I’m not dissing Chick-Fil-A or the food there, it’s all good, but sometimes you just gotta have a cheeseburger, y’know?  Chicken’s all well and good, but it just ain’t any kind of substitute for a good ol’ burger.  I need to get together with everybody and go straight to the nearest Five Guys Burgers and Fries to break my unintentional fast.  This is not optional.  This is something I must do. 
   Anyway, enough with the talk of chicken and cheeseburgers.  Let’s get back to all the extremely controversial topics that I’m sure you come here to read.  Like how margarine is better than butter, or the other way round.  Or whether toast always lands butter side up, or butter side down when you drop it (and if margarine changes the results).  And, possibly, the question of when the aliens destroyed Area 51. 
   Let’s address that last one, shall we?  Because, personally, I think they blew it to smithereens when the rumors started getting out, then fueled the rumors to a point where the whole concept of Area 51 was viewed as nothing more than a conspiracy theory.  That way, no one would believe the one true fact—that it was blown up—and now the aliens can do whatever they want with absolutely nothing to stop them.  Not only the aliens either.  Bigfoot is free to do what he wants now too.  He was probably in league with the aliens, getting them inside information.  I’ll bet he was working with the Abominable Snowman.  If they’re still working together, we could be in big trouble, especially if they’re still in contact with their alien buddies.  And if they all speak Wind, we are so dead.
   But never fear!  Underdog is here!  Or not.  Batman!  He’s the most awesomest of the super heroes.  Running around owning noobs with his super ninja skillz.   Superman is lame in comparison.  All that guy does is stick out his chest and let the bullets bounce off him, or fly under heavy falling objects and keep them from hitting the ground.  Pft.  Batman is way cooler.  So is his secret identity. 
   Speaking of secret identities, Obama is a noob!  Oh, wait, that doesn’t have anything to do with secret identities…  Oops.  Did I say that out loud?  Oh dear.  Don’t tell anyone!  They’ll send the men in black after me.  Those guys still believe in Area 51.  They probably got brainwashed by the aliens, or just hit over the head really hard by Bigfoot.  They’ll take me in for experimentation and I’ll be crispified!  Please no!  Anything but crispification!  And don’t throw me in the briar patch either!
   Oh snap.  Someone’s at the door.  Holy moley!  They broke the door down!  They’re coming in!  They’re coming for me!  They’re……………………………………………………………

Codes, Cars, and Gators

   (When we last left Fred, he was in a bit of a pickle at the PEANUT HQ)

   “Stop!”
   A man came running out of somewhere waving his arms and yelling.  It took a while, but eventually he got everyone to stop what they were doing.  At which point he came over to Fred and Anthony and glared at them.
   “Why did you do that?” he asked.
   Fred coughed. “Uh, do what?”
   The man snorted. “Give the pass code, of course.”
   “What pass code?” Anthony asked.
   The man’s glare was turning to a stare of disbelief. “Have the two of you had a recent case of amnesia?  The pass code that starts the launch of nuclear warheads to all the major cities in the US, of course.  What else?”
   Fred thought for a while. “Ooohhh.  You mean ‘the British are—“
   The man clapped his hand over Fred’s mouth. “Are you insane?  We don’t want to take out America.  Yet.”
   Fred rolled his eyes. “Why would you?  They’re doing that just fine on their own.”
   “Exactly.”  The man looked at Fred, then Anthony. “So what are you two doing here?”
   Fred opened his mouth to answer, then shut it.  Then opened it again. “I forgot.”
   The man frowned. “You really have had a case of amnesia.”
   Anthony nodded. “He probably has.”
   “What about you?” the man asked.
   Anthony shrugged. “I never remember anything anyway.”
   The man sighed and shook his head. “They’re letting in all kinds these days.”
   Fred leaned forward. “What was that?”
   The man waved him away. “Nothing.  Now get out of here, you two.  There’s nothing for you to do here.”
   “But we just got here,” Anthony protested.
   “And now you’re going to leave,” the man said firmly.
   Fred and Anthony grumbled, but the man looked like he was about to get mad, so they left.  When they were back outside, Fred looked at Anthony and Anthony looked at Fred.
   “What do we do now?” Anthony asked.
   Fred shrugged.  “I ain’t got a clue.”
   The ever present black car drew up beside them without a sound.  The door opened.
   “Inside," a voice said
   They obediently entered.  As expected, inside they found John waiting for them.
   “How’d we do?” Fred asked.
   “Not bad,” John replied. “But not too good either,” he added.
   “Well what’d you expect?”
   John bobbed his head a bit. “Just about what happened.”
   “Why did you send us then?”  Anthony asked. “We just went in, and got kicked out.”
   John held up his hand. “Yes, and in the process you found out one of their secret codes.  Quite by accident, but you still discovered it.”
   “So what?”
   “So now we may be able to use that information to assist in our efforts to crack the rest of their code.”
   “How long have you been working on that?”
   John coughed. “For…a few years.”
   Fred snorted.  Anthony laughed.
   “Hey!” Anthony suddenly yelled, making Fred and John jump. “Do we get Alexander now?”
   “I suppose so,” John replied. “Although I can’t imagine what you’ll do with him.”
   “Are you kidding?” Fred grinned. “With that alligator, we can take over the world.”
   John raised his eyebrow. “He’s just an alligator.  You know that, right?”
   Anthony laughed. “Just an alligator.  Hear that, Fred?”
   Fred chuckled. “Sure do.”
   The car came to a stop and the door opened.
   “This is your stop, chaps,” John said.
   They hopped out, but Fred put a hand out to stop the door from shutting.
   “Where’s Alexander?”
   In answer, the trunk opened and the alligator jumped out.  Fred grinned and shut the door with a slam.  The car drove off as silently as it had come.
   “What are we going to do now?” Anthony asked.
   Fred bent down and patted Alexander on the head. “Dunno.  The possibilities are endless.”

   To be continued…

Weddings, Dishes, and Other Stuff Too!

   Weddings?  I love weddings!  Drinks all around!
   If you don’t recognize that quote, you are a poor, deprived person, for it is from one of the most awesome movies ever.  Otherwise known as Pirates of the Caribbean:  Curse…of the Black Pearl.  That dramatic pause isn’t actually in the title, I just thought it sounded cooler that way. 
   Anyway!  We’re not really talking about weddings this time.  We’re actually talking dishes.  Or rather, washing them. 
   *Cue dramatically awesome and super creepy music*
   That’s right.  Washing dishes.  I myself believe the most efficient way is putting them in the dishwasher. Ever wondered how the dishwasher got its name?  Well I’ll tell you.  It was named the dishwasher because…wait for it…it washes dishes.
   *Cue music again*
   I know, that’s pretty unbelievable, right?  I mean, who gives anything a literal name these days?  Everything has to have a hidden meaning or something.  But not dishwashers.  I guess they’re too awesome to need a hidden meaning. 
   So, if you need to wash dishes, put them in the dishwasher.  Problem solved. 
   Hm?  What if you don’t have a dishwasher?  Then, my friend, you have a serious problem.  That would mean that you have to, oh dear, wash those dishes by hand.
   *Cue music, swell to new heights*
   You are in trouble.  Big doo-doo dis time.  Have you ever tried washing dishes by hand?  A few pots and pans, now that’s kinda okay.  It won’t kill you for sure.  But if you have to do all the dishes by hand, that’s a whole different story.  All that silverware…what about the knives?  It could get real dangerous.  Then if you accidently drop one…  You probably won’t laugh, but everyone around you will.  Not quite at you.  More like at the dance of panic you do trying to get your feet out of the way.  In the end the knife’ll probably still hit your foot.  With the handle, if you’re lucky.  If you’re not, I’m sorry for you.  You should get a dishwasher.
That brings about an interesting issue.  What did people do back when they couldn’t just go buy a dishwasher?  How could they survive?  No dishwashers…it must have been terrible.  You know what had to been even worse?  The knights in shining armor when they first went up against a dude who had invented gunpowder.  They’d be all like, “Haha!  We are invincible!  Ye pathetic knaves cannot hope to pierce our armor!”  And the gunpowder dude is just like “Bang!” Obviously that’s the end of the contest.  And the end of the knights, too.  Poor suckers.  Guess they’re doomed to staying at home and washing dishes now.  Except for the one who got shot.  He ain’t gonna be washing dishes ever again.  Well, at least, I don’t think he will.  But who knows?  Washing dishes is so terrible, it may be used as a punishment everywhere. 
   Wow, who knew dish washing could lead to such interesting discussion.  I would love to expound upon it more, like how dishes will be washed in the future, or even if they’ll be washed in the future, but now I must go.  I have things to do, people to save, and more things to do!  Have a most wunnerful Monday.  Or whatever day you’re reading this on.

Undercover

   (When we last left Fred, he and Anthony had run into John Smith and M007 again)

   Once everyone was in the car and they were underway, Fred started asking questions.
   “What do you want with us?” was his first.
   “I thought,” John replied. “That since you aren’t working with Jonathan anymore, you could help us in another way.”
   “Like what?”
   “We believe you could infiltrate the PEANUTs and get us inside information that will allow us to get rid of them once and for all.”
   “Well that ain’t gonna work.”
   “Why not?”
   Fred snorted. “Because they know who I am, that’s why.”
   John shook his head. “No, they don’t.  None of the PEANUTs have ever had direct contact with you.  That was The Terrorists.  The PEANUTs don’t really know anything about you, much less what you look like.  And they have no idea about anything concerning Anthony.”
   Anthony grinned, but stayed silent.
   “Yeah, well how are we gonna get in there?” Fred asked.
   John pointed to the toques that Fred and Anthony were holding.  “Anyone with one of those on outside a kitchen is generally known to be a PEANUT.”
   “But, I mean, me and Anthony?  PEANUTs?”
   Fred looked at Anthony.  Anthony looked at Fred.  Anthony looked at John.
   “Will we get Alexander?” Anthony asked.
   John nodded.  Next thing they knew, Fred and Anthony were out on the side of the road with toques on their heads.  Fred looked around.
   “Now what?” he asked.
   Anthony shrugged. “I guess we just walk around until we run into another PEANUT or something.”
   “Okay.”
   They started walking.  For a while, they didn’t meet anyone.  Then they turned onto a more peopled street and things got interesting.  When people saw the toques, they crossed over to the other side of the street quickly.  Fred hadn’t realized just how notorious the PEANUTs actually were. 
   After an hour or so of aimless walking, they decided to take a short break on a nearby bench.  While they were resting, Fred noticed a policeman standing on a street corner.
   “I’m gonna go ask him for directions,” he said.
   “Good idea,” Anthony replied.
   Fred walked over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, sir.”
   The policeman turned and blanched when he saw the toque. “Y-yes?”
   “Could you possibly tell me the way to PEANUT HQ?”
   The man pointed to a large building just a few blocks away with a shaking finger. “Right t-there.”
   Fred clapped him on the back. “Thanks.”
   He walked back to Anthony. “He said that PEANUT HQ is right in that big building there.”
   “That was easy,” Anthony said.
   Fred shrugged. “Yeah.  But easy is good.”
   Anthony shrugged too. “I suppose.”
   They made their way to the building and soon stood outside it.  It was several stories tall and really big besides that. 
   “What do we do now?” Anthony asked.
   “I guess we go in,” Fred replied.
   He opened the door and stepped in, Anthony right behind him.
   Inside was a hive of activity.  Weapons fire came from multiple firing ranges.  Huge crates were being moved here and there.  Guys in toques were running all over the place, looking official and busy.  At Fred and Anthony’s entrance, everything stopped.  All eyes turned to stare at them.  Fred gulped and yelled the first thing that came to mind.
   “The British are coming!”
   Pandemonium.


   To be continued….

Don’t Mess With Plants and Things Related to Plants

    I’ve told you about rocks, flowers, and wind, but have I mentioned the trees?  Hhhmmm?  Well I don’t think I have, so I will now.  Trees.  There, I mentioned them.  Moving on.
   Okay, not really.  Let us discuss the deep depth of doppelganger trees.  They’re not really doppelgangers, I just wanted to use another word that started with “d”.  However, some people say that trees are alive.  That when they wave their branches in the wind, and creak and groan, they’re really talking.  That they whisper to each other, telling world secrets that they hear because no one thinks they can listen.  That someday, when humans die out, the trees will become the new dominant species of Earth.
I say they’re just trees.  Pretty to look at when they’ve got all their leaves and junk, but still just trees.  They live, they provide shade while they live, then they die.  After a long time, usually.  They don’t have any secret tree language or anything with which they talk about humans and how to get rid of us.  If they talk about anything it’s about how darned awful the weather has been lately or whatnot.  And trees aren’t “he”s or “she”s.  They’re “it”s.  Anyone who says otherwise has been reading too much Ender’s Game.  Or Lord of the Rings…or some other book with living trees…
   Now if I’m killed in some way relating to trees shortly after publishing this post, then you all are in a lot of trouble.  Because that would mean not only are the trees talking to each other, but they can also get on the internet somehow.  In which case you’re all dead too since they could no doubt find out how to build organic bio weapons and wipe you all out.  Doesn’t it sound just lovely?  Death by trees.  Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to have that nice rustling of leaves to be the last sound to grace our ears.  Or, rather, maybe you’ll be lucky enough.  Because I’ll be dead before then.  Since that’s what’ll mean you guys are in danger.  So just pray I don’t die.  If I don’t die, you won’t die, and everyone can be happy.  Happiness is good.  People are nice when they’re happy.  And when people are nice, less people die.  Therefore not dying is an all around good thing.  Keep that in mind as you go about your life.  Be nice to the trees too.  You never know when they might be after your blood.
   Dirt, however, is an entirely different matter.  If dirt decides it doesn’t like us stomping all over it, we could be in real trouble.  I mean, if dirt rises up against us, the collapse of society would be immediate.  We can’t do anything without dirt.  Everything is on top of dirt.  Dirt might not like that.  I’m not quite sure what dirt would do though, if it decided it didn’t like us.  Trees can do their whole wavy thing and throw sticks, but what can dirt do?  By itself, it doesn’t really have many options.  It can sit there and…uh…do nothing.  So, really, dirt isn’t much of a threat after all.  I guess you can forget about dirt and sleep easy on that score.  Just not on the trees.  Trees are still potentially dangerous.
   How ‘bout dem environmental issues?  Thems be serious business, man.  Gotta treat the natural thingy bobbers right, y’know?  Else they might keel you.  I have this feeling all the people promoting a greener Earth and all that stuff haven’t taken quite this approach.  Not this direct anyway.  They probably don’t want to scare people off.  They don’t want to be all like “save the earth or it will kill you!”  No doubt people would brush ‘em off then.  Who’s gonna believe that flowers, grass, rocks, and trees are gonna be able to kill you?  Not to mention the dirt…if it can figure out a way to be lethal…   But I mean really, it’s just ridiculous.  I’ll see you guys Thursday.


   ………..Hopefully.

M007...Again

   (When we last left Fred, he had been assaulted by some PEANUTs and saved by Anthony, at which point they teamed up to take down the PEANUTs permanently)

   Fred and Anthony were walking the streets of London and Fred was reasoning out loud.
   “Now, first off,” he was saying, “We’ll have to find the PEANUT HQ.”
   “Why?” Anthony asked. “What would we do then?”
   Fred shrugged. “I dunno.  But it always seems important to know where your opponent’s base is.”
   Anthony thought for a moment. “It does.  But why?”
   “Because then you always know where your opponent is?”
   Anthony thought some more. “That sounds like a good reason.”
   Fred nodded. “Right.  So we have to keep moving all the time so that they don’t find out where we are.  Then we’ll always have the advantage.”
   “Except that they have weapons, money, and terrorizing influence.”
   “Yeah, except for that.”
   “So, really, we have no advantage at all.  And even if we did know where they have their HQ, we would still have no advantage.”
   Fred glared at the ground. “Yeah, so?”
   Anthony shrugged. “I’m just wondering what we’re going to do now.”
   Fred deflated. “I don’t know.”
   Anthony looked at him. “Really?”
   “Yeah.  I’ve just been tossed around, from one group to another.  Now that I’m on my own, I don’t know what to do.”
   Anthony patted him on the back. “Good thing I’m here then.”
   Fred gave a weak smile, which died. “But what are we gonna do?”
   “Well you could get in the car.”
   Fred and Anthony both jumped at least a foot, Fred maybe went two feet.  Sitting on the street next to them was a sleek, black car, and leaning on an open door was John Smith, head of M007. 
   “By Jove!” Anthony let out. “Where did you spring from?”
   John smiled and gestured up the street. “From there.”
   Anthony glared at him. “Who are you?”
   “Anthony,” Fred said. “Let me introduce you to John Smith, head of M007.  John, Anthony, my partner.”
   “M007?” Anthony looked puzzled. “What’s that?”
   “Super secret British intelligence agency, so I’m told.”
   Anthony’s puzzled look didn’t leave. “I’ve never heard of it.”
   “Outside of the agency, and you two, no one has,” John said.
   “Why are you telling us?” Anthony asked.
   “We already told Fred.  And since you’ve partnered with him, we couldn’t quite avoid telling you.”
   “Oh.” Anthony was silent for a second. “Does this mean you’ll have to kill me if I tell anyone about it?”
   John nodded.
   Anthony grinned. “Cool.”
   “So what do you want?” Fred asked.
   “I would like for you to get in the car,” John replied.
   “Okay.”
   Fred started to get into the car, but Anthony grabbed his arm and stopped him.
   “Don’t get in the car, Fred!”
   “Why not?” Fred asked.
   “Because they always tell you to get into the car, then they drug you and drag you away to who knows where and conduct all sorts of terrible experiments on you!”
   Fred stared at Anthony strangely. “You’ve watched too many movies.”
   “Be that as it may, it doesn’t make it impossible.”
   “Maybe not, but it is highly unlikely.”
   “So there is still a possibility!”
   Fred reached out and grabbed Anthony’s arm. “Will you just get in the car already?”
   “No!” Anthony braced his feet. “You can’t make me!”
   “They have a pet alligator named Alexander that we can have if we help them.”
   Anthony jumped into the car, shutting the door on John in his haste. “Let’s go!”

   To be continued…

Rocks...and Grass and Wind and Flowers

   Nnnnoooo!  Not again!  How can this be?  How can it have happened again?  No topic?  No topic!?  It’s not possible.  This can’t be happening.  There must be some mistake.  And every other lie they tell themselves in the movies when the “impossible” is happening. 
   Quick!  Someone get me a cheeseburger!  I need inspirational inspiration, and I need it now.  Any other type of inspiration will not do.  This is an emergency.  If you could get bacon on that cheeseburger, that would be awesome.  It would probably jack that inspirational inspiration up to inspiring inspirational inspiration. Say that five times fast.  A side of fries and some root beer would probably shoot the inspirations through the roof.  But by now, I’m guessing the word inspiration is sounding stupid.  Why does everything sound stupid if you say it too much?  Stupid would no doubt sound stupid if you said stupid to much too.  So don’t say stupid too much.  It’ll be better for everyone. 
   Now that we’ve established something at least, let us move on.  Apparently, I shall not be getting that cheeseburger, so I am sorry to say that you may not be getting very inspired words today.  I do have one thing to say though.  Just one thing.  Listen close. 
   I went in a cornfield today!  I went in a cornfield!  I went in a cornfield today and met Akbar!
   Jeffery Dallas is hilarious!  Go watch some of his videos.  Like, right now. 
   Well?  Did you laugh?  If you did, awesome.  High five!  If you didn’t, if the videos failed to even promote a smile, I’m sorry.  I really am.  You’re sick, I know.  I can recommend a really good doctor, and I hope you get better soon. 
   Hang on tight, I’m making a sharp change in subject now.
   Did you know that rocks can talk?  They can!  I’m serious!  I look at rocks, and they speak to me.  They tell me things.  In rock language.  It’s kind of like, “thunk, chunk, clunk”.  It is very complicated and hard to understand.  Not many people can do it.  Being one of the chosen few, it is my duty to enlighten you about stuff.  Concerning rocks.  First of all, rocks are hard.  If someone hits you with a rock, it will hurt.  Just so you know.  So you might want to avoid that.  Second, rocks can’t really talk.  Strange, delusional people simply make up fantasies in which rocks talk for odd reasons.  Don’t ask me why these people do such things, they just do.  It must be some kind of coping mechanism or something.  Hopefully all people afflicted with such will be healed.
   But now grass, grass is a whole other story.  Grass simply doesn’t stop talking.  Not the short grass.  All the short grass can say is “don’t eat me!” and “don’t squish me!”.  It’s the tall, wispy grass that talks up a storm.  It’s kind of coexistence between the tall grass and the wind though.  The wind whispers through the grass, and the grass rustles back.  Who knows what they’re really saying?  Whatever it is, the wind is definitely in league with the grass.  A possibly dangerous partnership.  And what do you think will happen if they team up with the flowers?  Hhhmmm?  We humans just love sniffing those flowers.  What if the grass and the wind got the flowers to give off toxic fumes?  They’d kill off half the world’s population at least before we caught on to them.  Even then, what would we be able to do?  Kill all the flowers and grass?  That’s a big task, and the world would be a less happy place without them.  And even if they all got killed dead, there would still be the wind.  Not really any way to stop that.  Except to keep your windows and door shut.  That might stop it.
However, I think the best plan is to not make the grass, wind, and flowers mad.  So be nice to them, or they might kill you.
   No.  I am not paranoid.
   No.  I do not have bad childhood memories of grass, wind, and flowers.
   No.  I am not a strange, delusional person.  I’m talking about grass, wind, and flowers here, not rocks.  Big difference.

Partners in Crime

   (When we last left Fred, he had split up with Jonathan and was back on Earth, going after the PEANUTs again)

   With his new determination, Fred marched to the door and yanked it open.  He jumped back with surprise as a man tumbled in.  A man wearing a toque.  It took a second for the significance of that fact to sink in, but when it did, Fred let out a yell and jumped on the man as he was getting to his feet.  They both went down, rolling on the floor.  A second man joined the party, and a third.  Then a voice.
   “Oh.  Sorry, chaps.  I do believe I have the wrong room.”
   Fred recognized the voice.
   “Anthony!” he yelled. “Help!”
   “By jove!” Anthony exclaimed. “Is that you, Fred?”
   “Yes!  Help!”
   There was a scuffling sound, then an “oh dear”, then three dull kachunks.  The three men piled on Fred went still and he was able to push them off with ease.  He scrambled to his feet and looked at the three men, then at Anthony, who stood with his hands behind his back, looking at the ground.
   “What happened?” Fred asked.
   Anthony glanced up and gestured to a tall stand next to him. “Well, er, I’m not quite sure.  But I think that when I bumped into that stand, that big pot,” he pointed to where a pot lay half concealed by the bed, “Fell off and knocked those three fellows out.”
   “Wow.” Fred stared at Anthony. “That takes skill, man!”
   Anthony looked surprised. “Really?”
   “Yeah!” Fred went over and clapped him on the back. “You’re awesome.  Thanks.”
   Anthony shuffled his feet and looked down. “It was nothing.” He looked at the three men.  “Are those PEANUTs?”
   Fred nodded. “Yup.  So we’d best take their toques and skedaddle.”
   Anthony reached down and snagged one of the toques, eying it dubiously. “Do you know how to use these?”
   “Nope.”  Fred grabbed the other two toques. “As I’m sure somebody used to say, ‘No time like the present to learn’.  C’mon.”
   He headed out the door and Anthony followed.
   “Let’s take the elevator this time,” Fred suggested.
   “Good idea,” Anthony said.
   Yet he still managed to trip over the slight unevenness on the way into the elevator.  Fortunately Fred caught him before he fell. 
   “Thanks,” Anthony said.
   “Don’t mention it,” Fred said. “Consider us partially even.”
   “Partially?”
   Fred nodded. “Yeah.  I mean, you probably saved my life back there.  I just saved you from a bruise or two.”
   Anthony thought about that for a second. “Hm.  I suppose you’re right.”
   “’Course I am.”  Fred grinned. “You know, we make a good team.”
   “We do?”
   “Sure!  Didn’t you see the way we handled those guys back there?  With me providing the distraction and you knocking them all out.”
   Anthony’s dubious expression was returning. “That was an accident.”
   Fred waved him off. “Accident smackcident.  Even if it was, it was perfectly timed and executed.”
   By now they had reached ground level, and as they walked out onto the street, Anthony’s expression gained confidence.
   “You’re right,” he said. “Those PEANUTs never stood a chance.”
   Fred clapped him on the back. “That’s what I’m talking about.”  He stopped walking and faced Anthony.  “So how about it?  You want to join forces so we can take down these PEANUT terrorists?”
   Anthony grinned. “I do indeed!”
   Fred stuck out his hand and Anthony shook it.
   “Let’s do this thing!”

   To be continued…