Hey hey hey! Hi! It’s me! Owen Tucker! And guess what?! I’M BACK! Bet you couldn’t have guessed that! It’s like, inconceivable. Anybody want a peanut? Oh look, a donut. Haha! That rhymed! You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told that was completely accidental, but that’s okay,cause I believe myself. Therefore, I do not need your belief. So there. Goodbye.
Why yes, I am hyper. What an astute observation. But no, it does not have anything to do with those five Redbulls I consumed earlier. But whatever! This is a journal, not a flippin’ story. So on with the journaling!
5/30/12: On this date (that being the 5th of May in the year 2012) I discovered something pretty dawgone amazing.
Remember that rock I found in my first entry? Well guess what!? Since this would never work if I waited for you to guess, I’m just gonna tell you. That rock, the one I just picked up off the ground, let’s me hear what animals say! And I’m not talking about the normal “squeak squeak squeakers”. I’m talking real words here. So that squirrel in the first entry really was talking to me. Isn’t that like wicked awesome?
Well, after I figured this out, I had a pretty interesting conversation with my bulldog, Jack. It when like this.
First I said, “Hey, Jack. What’s up?”
He cocked his head and looked at me. “Food?”
“No. No food.”
He dropped his head, then looked up a second later.“Ball?”
“Nope. No ball.”
Again he dropped his head only to pick it back up. This time he added a little panting.
“Pettings?”
I couldn’t resist a chuckle. “No way. You’re an ugly bugger.”
He grinned as dogs will. “Pettings, yes?”
Then he came over and started nudging my hand with his snout.
I pushed him away. “I said no way. You’re slobbery, got nasty breath, and an assortment of other problems, so get lost.”
He just blinked and kept panting in my face.
“Ugh.” I rolled my eyes and started to pet him.
He closed his eyes and leaned into it. After a few minutes I got bored so I slapped him on the back.
“All right. Enough pettings. Get lost.”
He looked at me. I pointed away. He sighed.
“Must find other human,” he said as he turned and walked away.
After he was gone I decided to experiment more with my newfound rock skills, so I went and got my cat.
“Hey cat,” I said.
He just stared at me and didn’t say anything.
“I said,” I tried again. “Hey cat.”
He continued staring.
“Wow, cats really are dumber than dogs. Now it’s a scientifically proven fact.”
At that, he spoke up.
“Meow.”
I looked at him, then down at the rock in my hand. “This thing must not be working. Say again?”
He said again. “Meow.”
I glared at the rock, and then at him. “Either this thing somehow broke in the five seconds between the time I was talking to Jack and now, or I really was right about cats being dumber than dogs.”
He returned my glare, hissed, then ran off. I watched him leave, rather disappointed. Then I shrugged. Never did like cats anyway.
To be continued…possibly…
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Story Time!
Have I ever told you guys about the day the sun died? No? Well then today is your lucky day, ‘cause it’s story time. Sit back, relax, and read on.
The Day the Sun Died
It was hot. Blazing hot. So hot that you could fry an egg on a black car’s hood. As I walked home from school on this sunny day, I looked up at the sun. That shining blob was sitting up there in the sky, grinning down on those whom he was burning alive. I shook a fist at him and continued to walk with my head bent and eyes to the ground. Then, as the hair on my head slowly burned down to the roots, a crazy idea popped into my head. The sun had to go, and I was the one who was going to send it on its way. I quickened my pace. Yes, it was brilliant. With a bit of this, that, and the other thing, I could create that which would be the end of the sun forever! Just think, no more blazing hot summers. Nothing but the wonderful coldness of perpetual winter.
When I got home I made my way down to the basement, which also served as my workplace. I went to the whiteboard and began drawing up the plans for the weapon that would deliver the world from the grasp of that yellow tyrant.
Then, it was ready. The assembly process took but a minute. I leaned back to admire it. Smooth and streamlined, the entire weapon radiated an ice blue aura from the tip of its gaping muzzle, to the end of the large stock. I was prepared to defeat our cruel oppressor in one fell swoop. But first, I must name the thing which would be his downfall. I ran my hand along the barrel as I thought, and smiled as the perfect name came to me. Jack. I laughed as I took Jack and went up onto the front lawn. Jack was rather weighty, so I set him up on a tripod to get the angle of trajectory as accurate as possible. After getting the altitude just right, I paused, savoring the moment. It was time. I squeezed the trigger. There was a brilliant flash of light as the ice blue aura seemed to drain from Jack, shooting out of his muzzle straight into the sun.
At first, there was no visible change, but then came a loud cracking and snapping noise. I couldn’t believe that the noise came from the sun, yet there was no other explanation. The ice blue color began to cover the sun, absorbing its rays, freezing them. All around me the neighbors were out on their lawns, staring up in amazement. The heat faded fast. Soon I began to shiver. Snow started to fall. The whole world turned white…grey…black. The feeling faded from my body. My mind, wandering. It was cold. Wonderfully cold.
(P.S. sorry about the lack of formatting. I was forced to use an iPad for this one and it destroyed everything)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Squirrel Felony
Hey guys. I, Owen Tucker, am back.
And right here would usually be the place where somebody does a nice little recap of last week for you. Unfortunately for you, I am not that somebody. You wanna know what happened last week? Go read it for yourself. Ain’t I a swell guy?
Anywho, enough with the small talk. Back to the journal thingy.
5/22/12: On this date (that being the 5th of May in the year 2012) I was sitting in my room, busily doing nothing, and doing it quite happily, when my work was interrupted with a very rude interruption. This was no ordinary rude interruption. Nothing like when you go up to your mom when she’s talking and ask a question. Yeah that’s rude, but this was way worse. On a scale of 1 to 10, this here interruption was like a 57.
Oh. What was the interruption? I guess that would be an important factor. Well, you see, I was sitting in my room, like I said, when all of the sudden, with no warning whatsoever, a squirrel jumps out of nowhere and face plants against my window! Now that’s what I call rude. Absolutely no warning. The thing doesn’t squeak, or chatter, or do whatever squirrels do. It just up and slams into my window, freaking me out of my mind.
The squirrel was fine, don’t worry about it. The little bugger just got up and scampered off like nothing happened. Not even an apology. The least he could’ve done was leave behind a nut or something. But nnnoooo. He just ups and slams into the window without as much as a “by your leave” and then runs from the scene of the crime. He should be arrested and charged with vandalism. Pesky little blighters, squirrels are. If we keep letting them get away with stuff like this, who knows what they’ll do? They might start stealing our food, digging in our yards, and spray-painting nasty squirrel words on our cars!
Ehem. I digress. After the squirrel bounced off the window, I, like I said, freaked out. And since I was eating a sandwich at the time, well let’s just say I lost a sandwich (another charge that should be added to the squirrel’s list of felonies). I then proceeded to rush outside and shake my fist at the tree which the squirrel had run up. For dramatic effect, you see. And to calm myself. Being able to shake my fist at something always help. But the squirrel chucked a nut at me, which smacked me right on top of the head, so the fist shaking didn’t help much. So I tried chucking the nut back up. He just chucked it back down harder. Good thing he wasn’t a woodchuck, or it could’ve really hurt. As it were, he just made me madder. So I went inside and pulled out my BB gun. But when I came back out, the little bugger was gone. He must’ve had some sort of animal sixth sense. Or he just didn’t feel like waiting for me to get back to chuck more nuts.
Either way, I’ll never forget that squirrel. Never forget him, never forgive him. And if I ever see him again, he’ll rue the day. Y’hear me, squirrel!? You’ll rue the day!
To you, good reader, this is Owen Tucker. Over and out.
To be continued…maybe…
And right here would usually be the place where somebody does a nice little recap of last week for you. Unfortunately for you, I am not that somebody. You wanna know what happened last week? Go read it for yourself. Ain’t I a swell guy?
Anywho, enough with the small talk. Back to the journal thingy.
5/22/12: On this date (that being the 5th of May in the year 2012) I was sitting in my room, busily doing nothing, and doing it quite happily, when my work was interrupted with a very rude interruption. This was no ordinary rude interruption. Nothing like when you go up to your mom when she’s talking and ask a question. Yeah that’s rude, but this was way worse. On a scale of 1 to 10, this here interruption was like a 57.
Oh. What was the interruption? I guess that would be an important factor. Well, you see, I was sitting in my room, like I said, when all of the sudden, with no warning whatsoever, a squirrel jumps out of nowhere and face plants against my window! Now that’s what I call rude. Absolutely no warning. The thing doesn’t squeak, or chatter, or do whatever squirrels do. It just up and slams into my window, freaking me out of my mind.
The squirrel was fine, don’t worry about it. The little bugger just got up and scampered off like nothing happened. Not even an apology. The least he could’ve done was leave behind a nut or something. But nnnoooo. He just ups and slams into the window without as much as a “by your leave” and then runs from the scene of the crime. He should be arrested and charged with vandalism. Pesky little blighters, squirrels are. If we keep letting them get away with stuff like this, who knows what they’ll do? They might start stealing our food, digging in our yards, and spray-painting nasty squirrel words on our cars!
Ehem. I digress. After the squirrel bounced off the window, I, like I said, freaked out. And since I was eating a sandwich at the time, well let’s just say I lost a sandwich (another charge that should be added to the squirrel’s list of felonies). I then proceeded to rush outside and shake my fist at the tree which the squirrel had run up. For dramatic effect, you see. And to calm myself. Being able to shake my fist at something always help. But the squirrel chucked a nut at me, which smacked me right on top of the head, so the fist shaking didn’t help much. So I tried chucking the nut back up. He just chucked it back down harder. Good thing he wasn’t a woodchuck, or it could’ve really hurt. As it were, he just made me madder. So I went inside and pulled out my BB gun. But when I came back out, the little bugger was gone. He must’ve had some sort of animal sixth sense. Or he just didn’t feel like waiting for me to get back to chuck more nuts.
Either way, I’ll never forget that squirrel. Never forget him, never forgive him. And if I ever see him again, he’ll rue the day. Y’hear me, squirrel!? You’ll rue the day!
To you, good reader, this is Owen Tucker. Over and out.
To be continued…maybe…
Monday, May 21, 2012
Aliens
Yes, I did just say aliens. Well, I didn’t, but the title did, and that’s just as good. Because aliens are aliens, no matter who says it. And I’m here to tell you, we are not alone. Everyone knows we’re surrounded by aliens. I mean, come on, there’s plenty of people around here throwing their humanity in doubt. Lady Gaga anyone (and I can’t be the first to throw the doubt on her)? It doesn’t have to just be humans either. Remember those posts I did about the plants and wind and stuff? They could all be aliens too. And Bigfoot, he is quite probably alien and no doubt related to the Abominable Snowman. It all comes together when you throw them aliens into the mix. All sorts of stuff starts making sense. Stonehenge. The Loch Ness monster. The JFK assassination. Area 51. Politicians these days. Bring those aliens into the equation and everything clicks.
Stonehenge is a huge formation of things that look like rock but are really highly advanced stuff that transmits junk. Loch Ness is an early mutation gone bad. JFK was about to begin a campaign to put tinfoil hats in style. Area 51 is a fable created to make the paranoid (but actually correct) people look insane. The politicians are set to destroy all semblance of government so that the aliens can swoop in and take over easily.
You see? It all makes perfect sense now. And now it is imperative that we get the word out. However, since the aliens will no doubt read this post, you must not, under any circumstances whatsoever, pass this on to your friends. Under NO condition are you to mention this to a friend and you are not supposed to spread this around in any way, manner, or form. Y’hear? Do NOT spread the word!
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, today is Opposite Day.
In other words, RUN FOR IT WHILE I DRAW THEIR FIRE!
Hello Mr. Alien, how’s your day been going? What? That’s terrible! Those nasty humans ruined your beautiful plans for world domination? And they poured water on you too? My my, don’t they have any manners? What is this galaxy coming to? Aw, it’s all right. Don’t cry. I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Burn, maim, and kill you in general, sure, but surely no hurting of your feelings was intended. You think it was? Well then go back in there and show ‘em who’s boss! You go alien. Take ‘em out with bigger bangs and flashier zaps than last time. It’ll make a great sequel. Add a little subterfuge, pretend you’re gonna give ‘em everything they’ve always wanted, then backstab ‘em and you’ve got a TV series going. It’s a win-win situation. So get on back out there, Mr. Alien. Let ‘em see your supreme alien skillz.
Now, before you say anything, what you just read there was most certainly not me encouraging an alien to destroy Earth. There’s no way I’d do that. I was just comforting the guy a little. I mean, have you ever seen a sad alien? They just look so…so…so sad! It heart breaking. So I had to give him a little pep talk. Just to cheer him up. It’s not like the aliens win in any of the sequels anyway. They always lose in the end, somehow. The humans find some hack way to blow all the aliens up with strike or something. Have you ever seen a movie where the aliens take complete victory? I don’t think so. If you have, well that movie’s a disgrace to its genre. Just sayin’. The aliens cannot win. This is just fact. Unless, of course, they’re good aliens helping us. Then they can win. But even then they generally don’t. Because obviously we humans are simply much better than any other specie out there, even if they have way more advanced technology. Who cares if they have spacecraft and lasers and stuff, we’ll still whoop ‘em. That’s just the way Hollywood works.
To any aliens reading this, get yourself a catchy slogan. We just can’t resist catchy slogans. Aw snap. I think I just betrayed all mankind.
I’m sorry.
Stonehenge is a huge formation of things that look like rock but are really highly advanced stuff that transmits junk. Loch Ness is an early mutation gone bad. JFK was about to begin a campaign to put tinfoil hats in style. Area 51 is a fable created to make the paranoid (but actually correct) people look insane. The politicians are set to destroy all semblance of government so that the aliens can swoop in and take over easily.
You see? It all makes perfect sense now. And now it is imperative that we get the word out. However, since the aliens will no doubt read this post, you must not, under any circumstances whatsoever, pass this on to your friends. Under NO condition are you to mention this to a friend and you are not supposed to spread this around in any way, manner, or form. Y’hear? Do NOT spread the word!
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, today is Opposite Day.
In other words, RUN FOR IT WHILE I DRAW THEIR FIRE!
Hello Mr. Alien, how’s your day been going? What? That’s terrible! Those nasty humans ruined your beautiful plans for world domination? And they poured water on you too? My my, don’t they have any manners? What is this galaxy coming to? Aw, it’s all right. Don’t cry. I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Burn, maim, and kill you in general, sure, but surely no hurting of your feelings was intended. You think it was? Well then go back in there and show ‘em who’s boss! You go alien. Take ‘em out with bigger bangs and flashier zaps than last time. It’ll make a great sequel. Add a little subterfuge, pretend you’re gonna give ‘em everything they’ve always wanted, then backstab ‘em and you’ve got a TV series going. It’s a win-win situation. So get on back out there, Mr. Alien. Let ‘em see your supreme alien skillz.
Now, before you say anything, what you just read there was most certainly not me encouraging an alien to destroy Earth. There’s no way I’d do that. I was just comforting the guy a little. I mean, have you ever seen a sad alien? They just look so…so…so sad! It heart breaking. So I had to give him a little pep talk. Just to cheer him up. It’s not like the aliens win in any of the sequels anyway. They always lose in the end, somehow. The humans find some hack way to blow all the aliens up with strike or something. Have you ever seen a movie where the aliens take complete victory? I don’t think so. If you have, well that movie’s a disgrace to its genre. Just sayin’. The aliens cannot win. This is just fact. Unless, of course, they’re good aliens helping us. Then they can win. But even then they generally don’t. Because obviously we humans are simply much better than any other specie out there, even if they have way more advanced technology. Who cares if they have spacecraft and lasers and stuff, we’ll still whoop ‘em. That’s just the way Hollywood works.
To any aliens reading this, get yourself a catchy slogan. We just can’t resist catchy slogans. Aw snap. I think I just betrayed all mankind.
I’m sorry.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The Name’s Tucker—Owen, Tucker
Hey. My name’s Owen (if you couldn’t figure that from the title), and this is what I guess you could call my journal. I have a pretty extraordinary life, if I do say so myself, the facts of which may sometimes be hard to believe, but are all completely true. Everything you read here will be honest to goodness truth about me, Owen Tucker, and my world. Whether you believe this or not is your call. I’m just putting the facts down here and now for historical documentation. I will not be held accountable for any and all embellishments, because, I mean come on, a story’s gotta have some flavor to make it interesting. Just putting down facts would make this as boring as Washington’s diaries. Check this out.
5/17/12: Went for walk. Found cool rock. Spoke with squirrel. Went home.
How boring was that? And it was just a few fragments. Imagine a whole blog post like that. Not cool. I hope you’ll concede this point and grant me the leeway to add my own spices. It will all be the same, none of the facts will be changed, but it’ll have my spin, with my viewpoint (because obviously I can’t give you the rock’s viewpoint).
So, without further ado, I present to you the Chronicles of Owen Tucker.
5/17/12: On this date (that being the fifth of May in the year 2012) I decided it was too nice of a day not to take a walk. So I took a walk. It really was a beautiful day. Sunny with some puffy white clouds and a nice cool breeze rustling the vibrant green leaves of the trees. Gorgeous.
Anyway, I was walking down a street in my neighborhood (and a very nice neighborhood it is, I might add) when I happened upon a rock. Now you’re probably thinking “So what? There are rocks all over the place”, but this rock was no ordinary rock. Well, okay, it looked exactly like an ordinary rock. Small, grayish-black, and rough. However, from my long experience with many types of rocks I knew that this rock in particular was no ordinary rock.
Why do I get the feeling that you still don’t believe me? Didn’t I say up top there that everything herein would be the honest to goodness truth? Indeed I did. So you’d better believe it.
Still no? Okay, fine. I didn’t know the rock was not an ordinary rock I just thought it looked kinda cool so I picked it up and stuck it in my pocket. There. Happy now?
Moving on with my story (which your disbelief so rudely interrupted), after I picked up the rock, I continued walking for a ways, turned down a few different streets, and found myself on a street I had never been on before. No, actually I had been there the day before, but saying I had never been there before sounds more dramatic, wouldn’t you say? It doesn’t really matter anyway, since the street itself has no significance. The significant thing was the squirrel. It was sitting on one of those nice, stone mailboxes twitching its tail and looking all fuzzy and cute.
As I came near to it, it twitched its nose.
“Haha, human. Slow and no climb.”
I looked around at the sound of the voice, but there wasn’t anyone else in sight.
“Who’s there?” I asked.
“Hehe. Human talk to self now. Scared of own shadow too.”
“I am not,” I protested, still looking around for the voice.
“Whoa. Human reply. That never happen before.”
I heard a scampering and turned to see the squirrel leap off the mailbox, shoot up a tree, and disappear. I stared after it. There was no way that squirrel had been talking. Everyone knows squirrels can’t talk, right?
Well, whether the squirrel talked or not, the cool breeze had died in that interval, and now the sun was plain hot so I started walking back home.
The moral of this story is that weird stuff can happen on walks. Be prepared.
To be continued…probably…
5/17/12: Went for walk. Found cool rock. Spoke with squirrel. Went home.
How boring was that? And it was just a few fragments. Imagine a whole blog post like that. Not cool. I hope you’ll concede this point and grant me the leeway to add my own spices. It will all be the same, none of the facts will be changed, but it’ll have my spin, with my viewpoint (because obviously I can’t give you the rock’s viewpoint).
So, without further ado, I present to you the Chronicles of Owen Tucker.
5/17/12: On this date (that being the fifth of May in the year 2012) I decided it was too nice of a day not to take a walk. So I took a walk. It really was a beautiful day. Sunny with some puffy white clouds and a nice cool breeze rustling the vibrant green leaves of the trees. Gorgeous.
Anyway, I was walking down a street in my neighborhood (and a very nice neighborhood it is, I might add) when I happened upon a rock. Now you’re probably thinking “So what? There are rocks all over the place”, but this rock was no ordinary rock. Well, okay, it looked exactly like an ordinary rock. Small, grayish-black, and rough. However, from my long experience with many types of rocks I knew that this rock in particular was no ordinary rock.
Why do I get the feeling that you still don’t believe me? Didn’t I say up top there that everything herein would be the honest to goodness truth? Indeed I did. So you’d better believe it.
Still no? Okay, fine. I didn’t know the rock was not an ordinary rock I just thought it looked kinda cool so I picked it up and stuck it in my pocket. There. Happy now?
Moving on with my story (which your disbelief so rudely interrupted), after I picked up the rock, I continued walking for a ways, turned down a few different streets, and found myself on a street I had never been on before. No, actually I had been there the day before, but saying I had never been there before sounds more dramatic, wouldn’t you say? It doesn’t really matter anyway, since the street itself has no significance. The significant thing was the squirrel. It was sitting on one of those nice, stone mailboxes twitching its tail and looking all fuzzy and cute.
As I came near to it, it twitched its nose.
“Haha, human. Slow and no climb.”
I looked around at the sound of the voice, but there wasn’t anyone else in sight.
“Who’s there?” I asked.
“Hehe. Human talk to self now. Scared of own shadow too.”
“I am not,” I protested, still looking around for the voice.
“Whoa. Human reply. That never happen before.”
I heard a scampering and turned to see the squirrel leap off the mailbox, shoot up a tree, and disappear. I stared after it. There was no way that squirrel had been talking. Everyone knows squirrels can’t talk, right?
Well, whether the squirrel talked or not, the cool breeze had died in that interval, and now the sun was plain hot so I started walking back home.
The moral of this story is that weird stuff can happen on walks. Be prepared.
To be continued…probably…
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Weekend (Or Not)
Whoa! Is it Monday already? What happened to the weekend? I was all happy that the weekend was here like, five seconds ago and now it’s gone! Conclusion: Somebody stole the weekend!
Sherlock Holmes mode engaged. First, let us examine the facts. A week is made up of seven days. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the weekdays, Saturday and Sunday constitute the weekend. I made it through all the weekdays and got very happy on Friday about the upcoming weekend. I went to bed Friday night, woke up the next day, there was some blurred action, and then it was Sunday night, time for bed. Second conclusion: I believe I’ve been drugged!
Possible culprits: My siblings (yes, all of them), my dad, my mom, my cat, and yes, even the butler. The only one who I know is innocent is my dog. And Fred. Other than that, it appears that everyone is a suspect. However, my family is not knowledgeable enough about the inner workings of the weekend and stealing to be able to pull off such a feat. Now the cat, he’s another story. I wouldn’t put something like this beneath him, above him, or anywhere around him for that matter. He’s evil incarnate that bugger is.
But! Due to keen deductive skills that I have been employing secretly while distracting you with small talk, I have found that, against all odds and to my extreme surprise, it was not my cat. It was, in fact, the butler! Bet you didn’t see that one coming. No one would ever suspect the butler. He probably thought he was safe. But with my deductions, no one is safe. I can see through any and all falsehoods by examining the details. All is transparent to me!
What’s that? We don’t have a butler? Preposterous! Oh wait. Yeah, that’s right. We don’t. That was just me wishing we had one so I could call him Alfred and have him say cool stuff about watching the world burn. Darn. There goes the last suspect, right out the window. Now what?
I guess I’m just not cut out for this detection thing. Someone heave a huge sigh of disappointment for me, would you (I would do it myself, but I’m afraid of inhaling my tongue or something)? I’m sure there are other things in life, most definitely, but come on. What could be better than going around like Sherlock and saying “Ha! Know what you had for dinner last night by looking at your boots!” Not much, that’s for sure.
And now I’m gonna go way off-topic by marveling at how on-topic I’ve been. Amazing, ain’t it? Speaking of which, did you see that bunny swinging his lightsaber and screaming “THIS IS SPARTA!”? Sorry. I just had to make sure I wasn’t ruining my reputation by being too coherent or anything terribly damaging like that. I mean, coherency is all well and good, but this A Bevy of Balderdash, y’know? Coherency here is like hope with Obama. Oh dear. Did I just make a politically bashing joke? I’m sorry. Oh dear, I just stepped on a flea. Poor little guy.
Sherlock Holmes mode engaged. First, let us examine the facts. A week is made up of seven days. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the weekdays, Saturday and Sunday constitute the weekend. I made it through all the weekdays and got very happy on Friday about the upcoming weekend. I went to bed Friday night, woke up the next day, there was some blurred action, and then it was Sunday night, time for bed. Second conclusion: I believe I’ve been drugged!
Possible culprits: My siblings (yes, all of them), my dad, my mom, my cat, and yes, even the butler. The only one who I know is innocent is my dog. And Fred. Other than that, it appears that everyone is a suspect. However, my family is not knowledgeable enough about the inner workings of the weekend and stealing to be able to pull off such a feat. Now the cat, he’s another story. I wouldn’t put something like this beneath him, above him, or anywhere around him for that matter. He’s evil incarnate that bugger is.
But! Due to keen deductive skills that I have been employing secretly while distracting you with small talk, I have found that, against all odds and to my extreme surprise, it was not my cat. It was, in fact, the butler! Bet you didn’t see that one coming. No one would ever suspect the butler. He probably thought he was safe. But with my deductions, no one is safe. I can see through any and all falsehoods by examining the details. All is transparent to me!
What’s that? We don’t have a butler? Preposterous! Oh wait. Yeah, that’s right. We don’t. That was just me wishing we had one so I could call him Alfred and have him say cool stuff about watching the world burn. Darn. There goes the last suspect, right out the window. Now what?
I guess I’m just not cut out for this detection thing. Someone heave a huge sigh of disappointment for me, would you (I would do it myself, but I’m afraid of inhaling my tongue or something)? I’m sure there are other things in life, most definitely, but come on. What could be better than going around like Sherlock and saying “Ha! Know what you had for dinner last night by looking at your boots!” Not much, that’s for sure.
And now I’m gonna go way off-topic by marveling at how on-topic I’ve been. Amazing, ain’t it? Speaking of which, did you see that bunny swinging his lightsaber and screaming “THIS IS SPARTA!”? Sorry. I just had to make sure I wasn’t ruining my reputation by being too coherent or anything terribly damaging like that. I mean, coherency is all well and good, but this A Bevy of Balderdash, y’know? Coherency here is like hope with Obama. Oh dear. Did I just make a politically bashing joke? I’m sorry. Oh dear, I just stepped on a flea. Poor little guy.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The End of the End
(When we last left Fred, Jonathan had just informed him of his imminent death)
Fred laughed at Jonathan’s statement. “Ha! That’s a lame bluff. You can’t expect me to believe that you’d kill yourself.”
Jonathan’s arms began to twitch, and his voice shook. “I-I told you, Fred. I’v-ve planned for th-this day for a long time now. And i-if I can’t have the world, n-no one will.”
“What do you mean?” Anthony asked.
Jonathan smiled a rather ghastly smile as his whole body began to shake. “I’ve launched a nu-nuclear strike. I-it will land here, which will s-set off a chain reaction that will de-destroy the planet.” He cackled. “And there’s nothing you can d-do about it.”
Fred looked wildly from Anthony to Alexander. “What do we do?”
“There’s a missile headed right for us!” A voice screamed from somewhere.
Anthony panicked. “We’re all gonna die!”
“Do something, Alexander!” Fred yelled.
“N-n-nobody can do a-anyth-thing.”
With those last words, Jonathan smiled and sank to the ground. Fred stared at his body, then at Alexander.
“Alexander!”
The alligator looked at Fred sadly, then gathered himself and leapt straight up into the air. Fred stared after him. Something twinkled in the sky. Alexander was headed straight for it. Realization dawned on Fred.
“Alexander! Nnnnnnnnooooooo!”
Alligator and missile connected. A massive explosion ripped the sky open. Angry masses of red fire broiled in the air for a second, then began to fall. It was going to come to earth. It was going to hit. Alexander’s sacrifice was in vain.
A brilliant white light shot out from the middle of the red mass. It burst out and formed a light barrier that completely surrounded the flames. Then, with a flash, it was all gone. The sky was clear.
Fred stared up at the sky and fell to his knees. “Alexander…”
Anthony stood next to him, also staring up. “He survived, right? He’s invincible, right?”
Fred dropped his gaze to the ground and shook his head. “I don’t think even Alexander could survive that.”
Anthony dropped next to Fred. “But…but…but…”
Fred patted him on the shoulder. “He’s—he’s gone on to a better place.”
Anthony sniffed. “Alligator heaven?”
Fred nodded. “Definitely.”
Something fell from the sky and landed in front of them with a puff of dust.
It was a baby alligator.
And so the saga of Fred and Co. comes to an end.
With the destruction of the world averted, and Jonathan dead, peace returns to Earth. Turns out that Jonathan had been behind everything. The PEANUTs, The Terrorists, M007, the lot of it. All pieces in his plan for global domination. So, in the end, Fred succeeded in eradicating terrorism.
In honor of Alexander huge statues of him were erected in all the capitols of the world and alligators were designated the World Animal.
Anthony was hailed a hero, taken back to England, and put in charge of foreign affairs.
And Fred, well, he went back to the States with the baby alligator and got a job with the government (the alligator got one too). But, being Fred, who knows how long that will last, and when we might see him again. As for the alligator, his future is as uncertain as Fred’s.
THE END
STAY TUNED! Next Thursday marks the beginnings of a new series. What it is, well, you’ll just have to wait and see. If you have any ideas of what you would like it to be, though, do tell. I appreciate any and all input, and who knows, I might just use your idea. But no promises.
Fred laughed at Jonathan’s statement. “Ha! That’s a lame bluff. You can’t expect me to believe that you’d kill yourself.”
Jonathan’s arms began to twitch, and his voice shook. “I-I told you, Fred. I’v-ve planned for th-this day for a long time now. And i-if I can’t have the world, n-no one will.”
“What do you mean?” Anthony asked.
Jonathan smiled a rather ghastly smile as his whole body began to shake. “I’ve launched a nu-nuclear strike. I-it will land here, which will s-set off a chain reaction that will de-destroy the planet.” He cackled. “And there’s nothing you can d-do about it.”
Fred looked wildly from Anthony to Alexander. “What do we do?”
“There’s a missile headed right for us!” A voice screamed from somewhere.
Anthony panicked. “We’re all gonna die!”
“Do something, Alexander!” Fred yelled.
“N-n-nobody can do a-anyth-thing.”
With those last words, Jonathan smiled and sank to the ground. Fred stared at his body, then at Alexander.
“Alexander!”
The alligator looked at Fred sadly, then gathered himself and leapt straight up into the air. Fred stared after him. Something twinkled in the sky. Alexander was headed straight for it. Realization dawned on Fred.
“Alexander! Nnnnnnnnooooooo!”
Alligator and missile connected. A massive explosion ripped the sky open. Angry masses of red fire broiled in the air for a second, then began to fall. It was going to come to earth. It was going to hit. Alexander’s sacrifice was in vain.
A brilliant white light shot out from the middle of the red mass. It burst out and formed a light barrier that completely surrounded the flames. Then, with a flash, it was all gone. The sky was clear.
Fred stared up at the sky and fell to his knees. “Alexander…”
Anthony stood next to him, also staring up. “He survived, right? He’s invincible, right?”
Fred dropped his gaze to the ground and shook his head. “I don’t think even Alexander could survive that.”
Anthony dropped next to Fred. “But…but…but…”
Fred patted him on the shoulder. “He’s—he’s gone on to a better place.”
Anthony sniffed. “Alligator heaven?”
Fred nodded. “Definitely.”
Something fell from the sky and landed in front of them with a puff of dust.
It was a baby alligator.
And so the saga of Fred and Co. comes to an end.
With the destruction of the world averted, and Jonathan dead, peace returns to Earth. Turns out that Jonathan had been behind everything. The PEANUTs, The Terrorists, M007, the lot of it. All pieces in his plan for global domination. So, in the end, Fred succeeded in eradicating terrorism.
In honor of Alexander huge statues of him were erected in all the capitols of the world and alligators were designated the World Animal.
Anthony was hailed a hero, taken back to England, and put in charge of foreign affairs.
And Fred, well, he went back to the States with the baby alligator and got a job with the government (the alligator got one too). But, being Fred, who knows how long that will last, and when we might see him again. As for the alligator, his future is as uncertain as Fred’s.
THE END
STAY TUNED! Next Thursday marks the beginnings of a new series. What it is, well, you’ll just have to wait and see. If you have any ideas of what you would like it to be, though, do tell. I appreciate any and all input, and who knows, I might just use your idea. But no promises.
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Title of Our Story Is
Oh. Snap.
Those two words should be the definition of what you are feeling at this moment. Or will be after you read a few more sentences. The reason being, I have no topic. Not even a hint of a tropical topicality. So now the appropriate response is “Oh snap he ain’t got no topic! Run for the hills!” If you did not experience this feeling, that’s good. Continue reading. Enjoy my spurt of extra random balderdash.
First, let us discuss toothpicks. Such handy items, wouldn’t you say? One of the most annoying things is having that little piece of meat or whatever stuck in your teeth, and no matter how much you wiggle at it with your tongue you just can’t get rid of it. Dun da da dun! Captain Toothpick sweeps in and saves the day! With just one little pick, pitook, he eradicates all annoyance! Oh thank you, Captain Toothpick, thank you! You saved my life. I was so annoyed with that little piece of meat, I just couldn’t get rid of it. My stress levels were spiking and my heart was about to give out. Then you swooped in and saved me with a simple pitook! Thank you!
See? Look at that. Toothpicks are lifesavers (no, not the little round candies). So always keep a few around in case you are ever in dire need. You never know when those annoying things are gonna strike. Be prepared! That little life lesson is one to be learned. If you’re having trouble with it, go watch Hoodwinked. After that, you’ll never be able to forget it. And if you don’t watch it, I’ll send my killer rabbits and rabid wolves after you. Get watching.
Or wait until this post is over, then go watch. No killer or rabid things will come thirsting for your blood if you do so.
To continue, please direct your attention to the screen. Peer very closely at these words as they appear in the order of the sentences. See anything odd? Any cool alignments or patterns, hhhmmm? Of course not! Those pictures you see on facebook and what not with those cool patterns and junk do not come about by accident. They are carefully planned and deviously planted with captions like “Whoa! Look at that! Do you see it?” are all planned to make you think that the cool thing in the picture is accidental. Don’t fall for it! All those frauds are photo shopped, at best! I’ve seen a great many of photo shopped pics in my time, and I can tell by some of the pixels.
Speaking of pixels (or not) what genius created the cheeseburger? I mean, it’s the greatest food creation, no, the greatest creation of all time. Can you imagine the world without cheeseburgers? No! It’s unthinkable! Where would people find joy and happiness if it were not for their cheeseburgers? I mean…it’s just…life isn’t complete without them! Give a man a cheeseburger and his world get brighter. Give anyone a cheeseburger and the world becomes a brighter place. They just have this glow about them that’s sort of—celestial.
“All right! That’s it! Break it up!”
Wait. Whoa. What’s going on here?
“You sir, are being charged with excessive use of randomness and are hereby under arrest.”
What!? But I—!
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and most definitely will be used against you.”
This isn’t right! It’s unconstitutional!
“You have the right to an attorney…I think.”
I’ll sue!
“Take him downtown, boys.”
Oh snap.
Those two words should be the definition of what you are feeling at this moment. Or will be after you read a few more sentences. The reason being, I have no topic. Not even a hint of a tropical topicality. So now the appropriate response is “Oh snap he ain’t got no topic! Run for the hills!” If you did not experience this feeling, that’s good. Continue reading. Enjoy my spurt of extra random balderdash.
First, let us discuss toothpicks. Such handy items, wouldn’t you say? One of the most annoying things is having that little piece of meat or whatever stuck in your teeth, and no matter how much you wiggle at it with your tongue you just can’t get rid of it. Dun da da dun! Captain Toothpick sweeps in and saves the day! With just one little pick, pitook, he eradicates all annoyance! Oh thank you, Captain Toothpick, thank you! You saved my life. I was so annoyed with that little piece of meat, I just couldn’t get rid of it. My stress levels were spiking and my heart was about to give out. Then you swooped in and saved me with a simple pitook! Thank you!
See? Look at that. Toothpicks are lifesavers (no, not the little round candies). So always keep a few around in case you are ever in dire need. You never know when those annoying things are gonna strike. Be prepared! That little life lesson is one to be learned. If you’re having trouble with it, go watch Hoodwinked. After that, you’ll never be able to forget it. And if you don’t watch it, I’ll send my killer rabbits and rabid wolves after you. Get watching.
Or wait until this post is over, then go watch. No killer or rabid things will come thirsting for your blood if you do so.
To continue, please direct your attention to the screen. Peer very closely at these words as they appear in the order of the sentences. See anything odd? Any cool alignments or patterns, hhhmmm? Of course not! Those pictures you see on facebook and what not with those cool patterns and junk do not come about by accident. They are carefully planned and deviously planted with captions like “Whoa! Look at that! Do you see it?” are all planned to make you think that the cool thing in the picture is accidental. Don’t fall for it! All those frauds are photo shopped, at best! I’ve seen a great many of photo shopped pics in my time, and I can tell by some of the pixels.
Speaking of pixels (or not) what genius created the cheeseburger? I mean, it’s the greatest food creation, no, the greatest creation of all time. Can you imagine the world without cheeseburgers? No! It’s unthinkable! Where would people find joy and happiness if it were not for their cheeseburgers? I mean…it’s just…life isn’t complete without them! Give a man a cheeseburger and his world get brighter. Give anyone a cheeseburger and the world becomes a brighter place. They just have this glow about them that’s sort of—celestial.
“All right! That’s it! Break it up!”
Wait. Whoa. What’s going on here?
“You sir, are being charged with excessive use of randomness and are hereby under arrest.”
What!? But I—!
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and most definitely will be used against you.”
This isn’t right! It’s unconstitutional!
“You have the right to an attorney…I think.”
I’ll sue!
“Take him downtown, boys.”
Oh snap.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Death from...Below?
(When we last left Fred, he and the boys had just zoomed around the universe and upon return to Earth, found it to be fifty-four years in the future)
Alexander leaned forward and the ship shot down toward Earth. On the screen Jonathan nodded his head and said something, but there was no sound. A second later, an explosion rocked the ship, knocking them all to the floor. Then another hit, and another.
“We’re goin’ down!” Fred yelled.
“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” Anthony screamed.
Alexander nudged something on the wall, there was a white puff, and they found themselves sprawled on the ground in front of Jonathan. After recovering from his initial shock, Fred jumped to his feet.
He stuck his finger in Jonathan’s face. “You, Mr. Jonathan, are under arrest!”
Jonathan laughed a rather feeble, old man laugh. “Under what authority?”
Fred waved his finger in the air. “Under the authority of the United States! Ha! Beat that!”
Jonathan continued chuckling. “The States have only the authority I give them now, Fred. You’ve been gone a long time. Things have changed.”
And suddenly, a whole bunch of really big guys with really big guns were all around them.
Fred laughed. “They can’t stop us.”
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes they can.”
One of the men pulled out a slug. Alexander whimpered.
“You see, Fred,” Jonathan said. “I’ve been preparing for this day every since you left. That would be fifty-four years I’ve been preparing. There is nothing left unaccounted for.”
“Oh yeah?” Fred blustered. “Well you can’t prepare for everything!”
“Yes, I can.”
“How about this?”
Fred shot his fist out, right for Jonathan’s nose, but just before he connected, a blue field appeared between fist and face, and Fred’s hand was thrown back.
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes, I prepared for that.”
Fred spat at him. “How about that?”
Jonathan wiped the spit off his chin. “No, I hadn’t thought of that. But it didn’t help you, did it?”
Fred shrugged. “No, but it made me feel a little better.”
Anthony stepped forward. “I bet you weren’t expecting this!”
Then he tripped. And flew forward. Into the legs of one of the big guys. The big guy lost his balance and started flailing his arms. Somehow his finger caught the trigger of his gun and it started firing off huge blasts. He knocked into the guy next to him and sent him flying and soon the entire area was in disarray. A stray shot from the gun hit the side of a tall building, breaking the support and the whole thing came crashing down right in front of Anthony.
When the dust settled, Jonathan shook his head.
“No,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
Fred and Anthony grabbed a gun each and pointed them at Jonathan.
“Now,” Fred said. “You are under arrest by the authority invested in me by this gun!”
“Yeah,” Anthony chipped in. “What he said.”
Jonathan shrugged. “Your funeral.”
Fred glared at him. “No. Yours.”
Jonathan shook his head. “No. Yours.”
“No. Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“NO! Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“No! Yo—“
Anthony slapped Fred on the back of the head. “Shut up already.”
Fred glared at Anthony, then at Jonathan. He jabbed the gun at Jonathan.
“What do you think we should do with him?
Anthony shrugged. “I don’t know. Let him go and give him a chance for a new life?”
Fred stared at him. “You can’t be serious.”
Anthony grinned. “I’m not.”
“I’m glad,” Jonathan said. “Because you are all going to die with me in just a few seconds.”
To be continued…
Alexander leaned forward and the ship shot down toward Earth. On the screen Jonathan nodded his head and said something, but there was no sound. A second later, an explosion rocked the ship, knocking them all to the floor. Then another hit, and another.
“We’re goin’ down!” Fred yelled.
“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” Anthony screamed.
Alexander nudged something on the wall, there was a white puff, and they found themselves sprawled on the ground in front of Jonathan. After recovering from his initial shock, Fred jumped to his feet.
He stuck his finger in Jonathan’s face. “You, Mr. Jonathan, are under arrest!”
Jonathan laughed a rather feeble, old man laugh. “Under what authority?”
Fred waved his finger in the air. “Under the authority of the United States! Ha! Beat that!”
Jonathan continued chuckling. “The States have only the authority I give them now, Fred. You’ve been gone a long time. Things have changed.”
And suddenly, a whole bunch of really big guys with really big guns were all around them.
Fred laughed. “They can’t stop us.”
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes they can.”
One of the men pulled out a slug. Alexander whimpered.
“You see, Fred,” Jonathan said. “I’ve been preparing for this day every since you left. That would be fifty-four years I’ve been preparing. There is nothing left unaccounted for.”
“Oh yeah?” Fred blustered. “Well you can’t prepare for everything!”
“Yes, I can.”
“How about this?”
Fred shot his fist out, right for Jonathan’s nose, but just before he connected, a blue field appeared between fist and face, and Fred’s hand was thrown back.
Jonathan nodded. “Oh yes, I prepared for that.”
Fred spat at him. “How about that?”
Jonathan wiped the spit off his chin. “No, I hadn’t thought of that. But it didn’t help you, did it?”
Fred shrugged. “No, but it made me feel a little better.”
Anthony stepped forward. “I bet you weren’t expecting this!”
Then he tripped. And flew forward. Into the legs of one of the big guys. The big guy lost his balance and started flailing his arms. Somehow his finger caught the trigger of his gun and it started firing off huge blasts. He knocked into the guy next to him and sent him flying and soon the entire area was in disarray. A stray shot from the gun hit the side of a tall building, breaking the support and the whole thing came crashing down right in front of Anthony.
When the dust settled, Jonathan shook his head.
“No,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
Fred and Anthony grabbed a gun each and pointed them at Jonathan.
“Now,” Fred said. “You are under arrest by the authority invested in me by this gun!”
“Yeah,” Anthony chipped in. “What he said.”
Jonathan shrugged. “Your funeral.”
Fred glared at him. “No. Yours.”
Jonathan shook his head. “No. Yours.”
“No. Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“NO! Yours!”
“No. Yours.”
“No! Yo—“
Anthony slapped Fred on the back of the head. “Shut up already.”
Fred glared at Anthony, then at Jonathan. He jabbed the gun at Jonathan.
“What do you think we should do with him?
Anthony shrugged. “I don’t know. Let him go and give him a chance for a new life?”
Fred stared at him. “You can’t be serious.”
Anthony grinned. “I’m not.”
“I’m glad,” Jonathan said. “Because you are all going to die with me in just a few seconds.”
To be continued…
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