Hello Again

   It’s me!  Michael, John Smith, Zachary Langferd, Tanner Erring, and I’d even use Owen Tucker if it wouldn’t upset him.  But it does, so I won’t.  For now, though, you can call me Smith, John Smith.  And as far as you know, I’m just your friendly neighborhood, and most definitely human, blogger.  There are most certainly no aliens after me for any reason whatsoever.  I had nothing at all to do with their planet not exploding.  Okay?  We clear on that?  All right, good.
   So, anyway, just thought I’d drop on by and say howdy.  It’s been a while.  I would’ve dropped by more often but Owen’s been completely hogging the spotlight, little bugger.  I mean you give a guy a little leeway and he thinks he can completely steal the show.  Well, Mister Tucker, you’re dead wrong!  I’m here now, and you’re just gonna have to deal with some changes.  I may not have me a story to tell, but I got some interesting tales to tell, you can be sure of that.  They may not make sense sometimes, a few might not be totally coherent, but they’re interesting.  I think.
   But I digress!  The point that I was trying to get to, before Owen’s selfishness derailed me, is that you’re stickin’ to Monday’s, boy!  Thursdays are mine now.  These awesome readers will have to put up with you at the beginning of their weeks, but don’t worry, folks, I’ll be here to refresh you.  Will real, down to earth type stuff.  None of those crazy, unrealistic shenanigans that he’s always going on about.  I’ll bet none of that junk is even real.  He’s probably just sitting in his room somewhere, door shut, curtains drawn, typing out whatever comes to mind in the moment and going with it liked he planned the whole thing.  Not to mention that it’s all true to life.  Yeah, right.  True to imagination is more like it. 
   Enough about him, though.  This ain’t his time.  His time was three days ago.  My time is now.  And I plan to make the most of it. So what do you want to talk about?  I haven’t done this in so long it’s kinda hazy how I went about it before.  But from what I do remember, it wasn’t the best of ways.  Kind of random and totally wacko if my recollection is good.  Not much better than Owen’s junk.  How’s ‘bout we switch it up a bit.  No more of that random stuff.  Random is overrated anyway.  It’s all seriousness around here now.  Serious business, that’s what I’m talking about.
   Oh okay, some randomness will remain.  What’s life without a bit of that stuff?  I’m sure I’ll get desperate somewhere along the line and give you a whole post of a bunch of stuff that seems to make sense at first, but then, when you actually think about it at all, it doesn’t.  However I am hoping that those will be rarities, so that they will be enjoyable in their moments.  Random has its place, a steady stream of it kills that place.  Quite dead too.
   Now I am afraid I must bid you adieu.  Your next post will be, unfortunately for you poor souls, from Owen, but I can’t cut him off completely or he’d scream bloody murder.  And that just wouldn’t be fun because you can get away with just anything on the internet these days.  Except for spelling errors.  Everybody’s just so eager to get you for those.
   Until next time, fare thee well.

Hide and Seek (or Not)

   Note from Owen Tucker: 
   Protocol 2
   …
   …
   Okay okay, I still don’t know what it is.  Sorry.  But I will.  Just wait.  I’m gonna figure out what protocol two is, for sure.  In the meantime, just keep reading, be happy, and don’t worry.

   “Okay, let’s try this again.  One…two…three…”
   This, my friends, was the seventh game of hide and seek.  And I swear, I have never had worse players. 
   Wilfred was plain banned from the game.  I mean come on, who can find a fly?  All he’d have to do is land on same and sit there.  In fact, he could probably buzz around the whole time and still no one would find him.
The kids didn’t seem to know how to hide, or even play the game for that matter.  They would hide in the most obvious places possible, a lot of which were objects that were only big enough to cover their faces.  It’s like they were going by the whole “if I can’t see him, he can’t see me” thing.  Which is just lies and slander, I’ll have you know.
   Ben, well Ben’s a freakin’ huge bear.  Not many places he can hide successfully, now are there?
   Man, whose dumb idea had this been anyway?
   Oh wait…don’t answer that.
   So, getting back to more pertinent things then whose idea this might have been, the seventh round of hide and seek finished up in all of five seconds, pretty much.  Found the two kids attempting to squeeze into the same spot behind a chair that wouldn’t have hidden even one of them, and Ben was trying to hide behind a door.  I knew this because I came upon a door that wasn’t totally closed, but when I pushed against it, it met spongy resistance and someone said ouch.
   “Well guys,” I said to them after I got them all back together. “We’re failing pretty hard here.”
   The kids hung their heads and Ben looked sad.  Well, he might’ve looked hungry, but I think it was sad.  Sad is just more theatrical and good stuff like that, wouldn’t you agree?
   “Why do we even need to find this, Narnia?” Ben asked.
   “Because Narnia’s awesome!” I replied. “Its got all sorts of cool stuff, like, like, like talking animals!”
   Ben gave me a flat stare.
   “Oh, right, yeah.  I guess I do have pretty much the most awesome thing about Narnia right here.  Man!  I can’t believe I just wasted that time playing hide and seek.”
   Ben shrugged. “Oh well.  Now what?”
   I sat down in a chair with a huff. “I dunno.”
   Dingdong.
   I sat up straight.  “What was that?”
   “Ah think et’s tha doorbell.”
   I was glad Wilfred replied there, because when he got banned from hide and seek I think it made him kind of mad. 
   I hopped to my feet. “Righto.  I shall sally forth to answer the door.  You all stay put.”
   It took me a while to get to the door, wrong turns and all that, but eventually I made it.  I opened the door and guess who it was?  Actually, considering how we last parted, it was kinda awkward.
   “Oh, uh, hi Bob.”
   He smiled, but it looked rather forced. “Owen Tucker.”
   I nodded. “Yup, that’s me.  What can I do for you?”
   “I come in, please?”
   I shrugged. “Yeah, why not?  But are you sure you wanna come in here?”
   He nodded, so I shrugged again and opened the door wide.  He walked in and looked around with a big smile on his face.
   “So, what can I do for you?” I asked, yet again.
   He turned to me with this big ol’ grin on his face and pulled out the strangest looking gun I’ve ever seen in my life.
   “You can die!”

   To be continued…

Legends

Note from Owen Tucker:  Okay, so I don't have those other protocols.  But don’t worry, I’ll get them.  Eventually.

   I paced back and forth in front of all my suspects, giving the lot of them suspicious glares every now and then.
   There was Ben, filling up an entire corner all by himself and not looking very concerned at all.  There was Elizabeth and Fredrick, looking very nervous and silently bickering over something.  Then there was Wilfred who was, well, I really don’t know what he was doing since I couldn’t see him.  And Dave was just a ring on my finger, so I couldn’t really read anything off him either.
   But that was okay!  Because I already knew who was guilty of what, when, where, how, and why.
   “Okay!” The kids jumped and I stopped pacing and glared at them. “You kids.  You know what you’ve done?”
   They shook their heads violently.
   “Well that’s good, cause you ain’t done nuthin’.”
   I grinned and they looked confused.
   “Ben, you’re just fine too,” I nodded at him.
   “I should hope so,” he replied.
   “Howard, you’re just fine also,” I patted the wall.  “So that just leaves us two suspects.  Wilfred and Dave.”
   “Tuh, ya’re bein’ rediculous lad.  Ah haven’t dun anythin’.”
   “Yup, I know.  So it’s all DAVE’S fault!”
   What did I do this time?
   “Oho!  So you admit that this isn’t your first offence?”
   By your book.  By mine, I’m clean.
   “And we all know how flawed and biased your book is, of course.”
   Oh, of course.
   “But the offence I am referencing now happened just a few minutes ago, back in that forest when Ben was stuck in the door.  I asked if you could enlarge Howard a bit, and you said, and I quote ‘the house of—I mean Howard’.  Now what did you mean by that, hhhhhmmmm?  The house of what?”
   Why on earth would I tell you?
   “Because you’re on my finger, that’s why.  And if I don’t like you, I can stick you back in that rock to rot quick as you please.”
   Oh that’s low.
   I grinned. “I know, right?” I killed the grin, replacing it with a scowl. “So start talkin’.”
   Very well.  Although I would like it noted that I am doing this under duress.
   “Yeah yeah, whatever.  Just get on with it.”
   This house’s proper name is the House of Legend.
   I gasped. “The House of Legend?  Seriously?  Wow!  Hang on.  What’s the House of Legend?”
   If Dave had eyes I just know he would’ve rolled them.  The House of Legend is just that, a house of legends.  Within these walls are contained every legend known to man.
   “Dude, that’s awesome.” I gestured upstairs. “So that forest we were just in?”
   Hansel and Gretel, with some strange oddities mixed in, I must say.
   “No kidding.  Like the fact that their names aren’t Hansel and Gretel.”
   “Why are you talking about our cousins?” Elizabeth piped up.
   “Huh?”
   “Our cousins, Hansel and Gretel,” Fredrick clarified.
   “Oh, gotcha.” I shook my head. “Man, your family has some real problems.”
   Now that you know, what will you do?
   I shrugged.  “I dunno.  Maybe I’ll go find Narnia!”
   Should be easy enough.  All you need to do is find the room with the wardrobe.
   “In Howard?  That’ll take forever!  There has to be some quick way.”
   I’m afraid I can’t help you.
   I thought for a few minutes, then an idea came to me in a flash.
   “Who’s ready for a game of hide and seek?”

   To be continued…

Home Improvement

   Note from Owen Tucker:  Hey.  You.  The person reading this.  Yes, I’m talking to you.  There are certain protocols that must be observed before you can read this blog.  If you violate these protocols, I will not be bringing any retribution down on you, but you can be assured that your own mind will be bringing plenty of its own.  Because without these very crucial protocols, you will be lost beyond belief and may never find your path again.  Therefore, I urge you to pay close and careful attention to what I am about to tell you.
   Protocol 1:  If you haven’t already, go back and read the previous blog posts!
   Protocol 2:
   Protocol 3:
   Protocol 4:
   Protocol 5:
   Yes, I do realize all the protocols after 1 are blank.  That is something for me to worry about and you to forget.  Now I will let you continue with your reading.  Good luck.

   When Ben tried to get into Howard, we came upon a rather perplexing problem.  Remember, he’s a freakin’ huge bear, and this door was just a normal man-sized door.  He got his head through just fine, then his neck came on in good, but the rest of him kind of jammed.
   After pushing and shoving for a while, he finally slumped in defeat. “I’m afraid I can’t fit.  I must go back to the forest and live out a normal, lonely, bearish life.”
   “Preposterous!” I said.  “I have these super awesome magic powers.  Getting you through this door will be easy as pie.”
   “Oh?  How will you do it then?”
   I stroked my chin in an effort to appear wise as I thought. “Hhhmmm.  Well the most obvious solution is to make the door bigger.”
   Ben brightened. “Yes, that might work.”
   I held up a finger. “However, that could compromise the structural integrity of the rest of Howard, resulting in it falling apart, with us still inside.”
   Ben’s face fell. “That would be a bad thing, wouldn’t it?”
   I nodded. “Yes, just a bit.  However again!  I have the solution to the flaw in that solution.”
   “Do tell.”
   “I’ll just make the whole house bigger!  It’s the only logical solution, since you’ll no doubt have this problem with all the other doors too.”
   Ben’s head bobbed slowly. “It does seem that way.  But can you do that?”
   I scoffed. “Can I do that?  Ha!  As if I couldn’t.” I paused for a second. “I can do that, right Dave?”
   The House of—I mean, Howard, is highly receptive to any need.  It will be easy.
   Oho!  Dave ol’ buddy thought I didn’t catch his slip there, but I did!  He still thinks I’m too dumb to notice details like a little stammer there, but I’m not!  Just you wait, Mister Dave, just you wait.
   In the middle of my internal tirade against Dave, I realized that Ben was looking expectantly at me.
   “Oh, right,” I said. “Yup, it ain’t a problem.  Howard can get supersized easy peasy.”
   “Then let’s not wait, shall we?  I jammed myself rather tight in this doorway, and it isn’t the most comfortable position.”
   I nodded vigorously. “Of course.  Operation Get-Ben-Outta-That-Doorway-There will commence post haste!”
   I struck a dramatic pose pointing at the doorway. “Okay, Dave, fire at will!”
   Why don’t I just hit Howard instead?
   “Shut up.  This is no time to be wisecracking.”
   That wasn’t a wisecrack.  It was a rather dumb crack.
   “Will you just blow the house up already!?”
   If you say so…
   “Metaphorically!” I yelled, not liking his tone. “Don’t actually blow it up, like boom.  Blow it up, like enlarge it, yeah?”
   Of course.  Why would I think anything else?
   “Because you’re a bugger, that’s why.  Now get blowing.”
   As the last syllable left my mouth, Howard started growing.  It was like one of those crazy optical illusions.  Everything was getting bigger, but staying the exact same.  It was disconcerting. 
   It only took a few seconds for the whole process.  Ben let out a sigh of relief when the door had gotten big enough to let him in. 
   “Nicely done, Owen,” he said as he lumbered inside.
   “Thank you,” I said, before roaring out, “I want everyone downstairs right now!  There’s some explaining that needs doing and it needs doing now.”

   To be continued…

Names

   Note from Owen Tucker:  I would really hope that, by now, you’d know the drill.  But if, in fact, you don’t, perhaps because you are new here (if you are, a most hearty welcome), then let me inform you that this is a long running story, so if you do not wish to be lost, you might want to go back and read from the beginning.  Otherwise you’ll probably be just like “talking bear?  Wwwwhhhhaaaaa?” and it won’t be fun.  Thank you.

   After wandering around for about five minutes, I decided I needed some help.
   “Dave,” I said. “I think it’s time for you to do your magical thingy that warps us back to Howard, or however you were planning on doing it.”
   Aye aye, Captain.
   For a few seconds, nothing happened.  The birds tweeted, the stream gurgled, the bear munched a few leafs, and the kids kept opening their mouths to say something and then closing them again. 
   Then came the weirdest sensation I’ve ever felt.  We were all still standing, not moving an inch, but the trees around us started moving.  Slowly at first, like a car in first gear, but then faster and faster.  Soon the trees and everything else was whizzing past us, and I know my legs weren’t moving.  It all came to an abrupt halt.  Right in front of the door back to Howard. 
   It was still standing there, wide open. 
   “Nice job, Dave.  Now, everyone, get in there, nice and quiet like.”  As the kids were walking past me, I grabbed them. “Hold up there, you two.”
   They looked up at me, trying to put on the most innocent faces they could manage.
   “Nu uh, that ain’t gonna work on me.” I shook my head vigorously. “You two don’t get to go in there until you spill the beans.”
   “Okay!” the boy yelped, speaking for the first time without his sister being in tune. “Elizabeth did it!”
   “Did not!” the girl squealed, her first time without her brother. “It was Fredrick!”
   I stroked my chin for a moment, looking as menacing as I could manage. 
   Then I smiled. “I have no idea what this thing is that you two are talking about, but you answered my question anyway, so you can go in.”
   They looked at me, then at each other, shrugged, and went through the door.
   I turned to the bear.  “You, sir, are welcome to join us, on one condition.”
   “And what might that be?” the bear asked.
   “That you tell me your name.  Can’t stand things without names, as you can see.” I gestured to the place where the kids had been.
   “Ah,” he chuckled.  “No need for mystery here.  My name is Benedict.”
   I stared at him. “You’re kidding right?”
   He looked wounded. “No, of course not.  Benedict is a perfectly good name.”
   I snorted. “Yeah, sure.  Except it’s the name of the biggest traitor in American history.  So big, in fact, that Benedict is now equivalent to traitor.”
   The bear sniffed. “Well it’s not my fault that your society destroyed a wonderful name like Benedict.”
   I nodded. “You’re absolutely right.  But I just can’t call you Benedict.  How about Ben for short?”
   Ben sighed. “If you must.”
   “Kewl beans.”  I raised an eyebrow. “So does that mean you’ll be joining our little party?”
   He pulled some leafy greens from a nearby bush and chewed on them thoughtfully for a moment.
   He swallowed. “Yes, I believe I will.”

   To be continued…

Bears, Flies, and Kids

   Note from Owen Tucker:  I expect you know the drill by now.  But, if by some off chance you don’t, check the previous posts and you will.

   With a yelp I scooted backward on my butt as fast as I could.  Right into a tree.
   “Please don’t eat me!” I pleaded.
   “Hohoho,” the bear laughed in a really deep, gravelly voice. “I’m going to have you for breakfast, yes indeed.”
   I looked up at the sky. “Are you sure?  Seems to me more like dinner.  Maybe you should reconsider because of this new development.”
   The bear chuckled. “No no.  It’s breakfast.  Actually, you’re breakfast.” He chuckled again. “Ah my.  I amuse myself so much with my stunning wit.”
   “Eheh.  Right.  But it’s still dinnertime.”
   The bear slammed his paw on the ground and roared. “It’s breakfast!  Now shut up so I can eat you in peace.”
   “Never!”  I jumped to my feet and put my fists up. “You won’t take me without a fight!”
   “Oh really?” The bear stuck his head into my face. “What you going to do, puny human?”
   I took a step back and popped him a good one, right on the nose.  He reared back and sat on his rump with a thud, holding his nose with his front paws.
   “Ouch.” His voice was muffled. “That hurt.  Why’d you do a mean thing like that?”
   I stared at him. “Uh, maybe because you were going to eat me?”
   The bear waved a paw. “Get out.  I was joking.  I couldn’t eat anyone.  I’m a vegetarian.”
   I stared at him some more. “A vegetarian bear?  Seriously?”
   He looked wounded. “Yes, seriously.  What’s wrong with a vegetarian bear?  Do you have something against vegetables?”
   “What kid my age doesn’t?”
   He shrugged. “How should I know?  I’m a bear.”
   The kids finally had the courage to come out from behind the tree I was backed up against.  They looked at me, then at the bear, then back to me.
   “What are you doing?” they asked in their really annoying off-sync chorus.
   I rolled my eyes. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
   They looked at the bear again, then back to me. “Talking to an imaginary friend in a state of hysteria before a bear eats you?”
   “No, that’s not what I’m doing.  Besides, the bear’s vegetarian.”
   They didn’t even bother looking at the bear this time, they just stared at me. “A vegetarian bear?”
   “Hey, that’s what I said.  But he’s very adamant.”
   At this point the bear heaved himself back onto all four paws and lumbered forward to the kids.  They stood petrified as he snuffled them.
   “Humph,” he said. “They would probably make a better breakfast than you.  If I wasn’t a vegetarian that is.”
   I nodded. “Oh yes, most definitely.  In fact, would you maybe consider breaking your veggie diet just this once?”
   “Owen!  Ah’m ashamed weth ya.”
   I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Aw darn it, Wilfred!  I forgot you were there.”
   “We think you’re going insane,” the kids said.
   “Naw he’s na, kiddos.  He’s jest alweys been tha wey.”
   “You know, I’m rather inclined to agree with the accented one,” the bear put in.
   “Wha thank ya, good sah.”
   “Oh my pleasure I’m sure.”
   “Wwwhhhhaaaa!  We’re gonna die!”
   “My my, they do cause a racket.”
   “Aye, they do.  Ah thought ya shut them up, laddie.”
   “Would you ALL just shut up for a second!” I yelled. “I can’t think straight with you all talking like that.”
   The kids looked around. “It’s just us talking.”
   “No, it’s not.  The bear is talking and there is a fly around here somewhere who is also talking.  This is fact, not fiction, and you kids are just gonna have to deal with it, okay?”
   “But, bears and flies don’t talk.”
   “Yes, yes they don’t.  You just don’t listen closely enough.”  I hold up my hand as they open their mouths again. “No.  No more talking.  We’re all going back to Howard now, and if I hear one peep out of any of you, it will not be a happy day for that person.  Animal.  Bug.  Whatever.”

   To be continued…

Silence is Golden

   Note from Owen Tucker:  If uninformed, read previous posts.  Thank you.

   “Are we there yet?”
   I ground my teeth in frustration as the kids voices broke the silence of the forest for about the fifteen millionth time.  With the same question.
   “Are we there yet?”
   I spun around and glared at them. “No!  We are not freakin’ there.  And no matter how much you ask me, it will not make us be there.  Okay?”
   They stared up at me. “When are we going to get there?”
   I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
   “Why don’t you know?”
   “Because I don’t!” I yelled so loud I startled some birdies.
   They continued to stare at me. “Why?”
   I took a breath to answer, then let it out, closed my mouth, turned around, and started walking again.  This bought me five seconds of silence.
   “Are we there yet?”
   “We get there when we get there!  Don’t you kids watch movies?”
   “What’s a movie?”
   I stopped and stared at the little buggers.  Then it dawned on me.  Their father’s a woodsman, duh.  They’ve never even seen a TV in their life. 
   So I tried explaining. “A movie is like a magical play in which the characters pursue a goal.  To achieve this goal, they must overcome many difficult, and usually dangerous, obstacles.  The movie ends when the characters defeat whatever it is obstructing them and obtain their goal.”
   The kids were staring at me.  I could see incomprehension written all over their faces.  Their next words confirmed it.
   “What’s a movie?”
   I rolled my eyes and continued walking. “Never mind.  Just forget it about.”
   “But what’s a movie?”
   “Forget it!  I’m not going to explain again.”
   “But we need to know what a movie is!”
   “Forgetaboutit!”
   “But what’s a movie?”
   “Not one more peep, kids!  I’m warning you.  If you speak again, it will be the last time you do so for a long while.”
   “But—“
   “Ah!  Dave, please conduct the mouth gluing operation you seem to be so adept at.”
   The next sound I heard was muffled exclamations of surprise. 
   “Could you kill the mumbling too?”
   Silence.  Wonderful, golden silence. 
   “Why thank you, Dave.”
   Always a pleasure.
   “Ha!  Fat chance.”
   But I let it go at that.  After all, the forest was looking lovely with the sun shining down through the leafy boughs in beautiful rays, the brook dancing along, trying to catch the rays, and the squirrels running up and down the trees, screaming the worst insults you’ve ever heard at anything and everything.  Just beautiful.
   Then the kids would have to ruin it.  They came up beside me, one on each side, and started tugging at my arms.  Even silenced they’re still annoying. 
   I shook them off. “What what?  Get lost.  Trying to enjoy the scenic scenery here.”
   They started pulling at my pants, pointing behind me, and doing a little dance.
   I sighed. “Okay, yeah, sure.  We can take a potty break.”  I stopped and sat down against a nearby tree.  “All righty.  Go on now.”
   But they just kept jumping up and down in front of me, waving their hands all over the place.
   I shook my head. “Nope.  Nu uh.  Ain’t happening.  I silenced you guys so I wouldn’t have to listen to your nonsense.  There is no way I’m sitting here for an interpretive dance.”  I got to my feet.  “Let’s get a move on, kiddos.”
   As soon as I got up, though, they grabbed my hands again.  This time one kid pulled in one direction while the other went the opposite.
   “No, kids,” I explained. “When you’re trying to pull someone, you always pull together.  In the same direction.”
   Finally the kids let go and performed what could only be interpreted as a dance of rage.  Then they exchanged a nod and did something really cool that impressed me for about five seconds.  The girl kicked the back of my right knee and the boy shoved me on the same side, resulting in me falling onto my butt, facing the opposite direction. 
   Now what amazed me was the amount of coordination they displayed to achieve that result.  The reason that amazement only lasted five seconds was that their maneuver brought me face to face with a freakin’ huge bear.

   To be continued…

Confliction

           Note from Owen Tucker:  Okay, still applies.  If you don’t know what’s going on, check back.  Or you could just skip this one entirely.  I mean, uh, this doesn’t really contain any, er, pertinent information that is just absolutely vital for you to know.  You could easily skip it and still be in the loop without loss of any events that have any real bearing on the story.  It’s just, y’know, well—aw forget it.  Just keep reading and get it over with.

“Ya blitherin’ idiot!”

I jumped at the sound of Wilfred’s voice. “Whoa!  Dude, don’t scare me like that.”

“Ah’ll scar ya eny way Ah like, ya stoopid oaf.”

Luckily for me the kids were still knocked out, or I would’ve looked a tad crazy.

“Hey!” I said. “Watch it, bud, or Dave might do something rash.  Isn’t that right, Dave?”

Rash, no.  Calculated, yes.

“Wha’eva!  Ah can na believe how stoopid ya were, boy.  An’ tha ya had the gall ta glue mah mouth shut agan.”

“What are you talking about?  I didn’t glue nobodies nothing!”

"Doon't botha playin' innecent weth me, laddie.  I can see right through ya."

"What are you talking about?  That's preposterous!  I told you, I have glued nuthin'!" 

“Weel then who shut mah mouth?”

“Why are you asking me?  I’m just all dumb and stupid, remember?”

            “Oo, Ah’m soory.  Ah had a slight lapse en memory.”

             “Darn you!  You’re being very rude, you know that?”

“No, Ah’m jest givin’ it ta ya straight, boy.  Ya were helpin’ tha old witch ta cook those children.  D’y’hear?  Helpin’ her.”

“Preposterous!  That nice old lady was cooking them some soup for dinner!”

            “She had them en tha pot, ya idiot!  She was cookin’ them fa dinnah.”

I sat down, shocked by these new revelations.  Was she really cooking them?  Could I have been that…ignorant, so as not to see it?  I am I really, I gasped, stupid?

Wilfred interrupted my deep reflections. “Now Ah want ta know who shut mah mouth.”

“Why are you asking me?  I’m just dumb and stupid, remember?”

“Ach.  Drop tha pety party, laddie.  Et doon’t suit ya.”

“Well maybe I’m just not smart enough to do anything else, okay?”

“Jest tell me already!”

“Okay, fine.  It was Dave.”

Me?  What did I do?

I scowled.  “I don’t know.  It’s standard protocol.  When everything goes wrong, blame it on the magical artifact thingy.”

That makes absolutely no sense.

“But tha accusation actually dooes." Wilfred cut in.  "Ya are tha only other oone here who has magic.”

What about the witch?

“How culd she know Ah’m here?”

Hm, let me think.  Because she’s a witch?

“Ach.  Now ya’re usin’ worse explanations than tha boy.”

I got up. “Will you two just shut up already?  Nobody here is nice in any way anymore, except for those kids.  So I’m gonna take them and find them a nice place to live, all right?  Now you’d both better help me, or I’ll smack you, Wilfred.  And you, Dave, I’ll stick you back in your stone.  How about that, hm?”

“Ya wouldna dare!”

What he said.

“Try me.”

I started walking away.  Then I remembered the kids were still knocked out.  So I woke them up, had them do a few jumping jacks to get their blood flowing and to work off all that candy, before heading out into the great unknown.

 

To be continued…