It's Time

   Once again, I, Owen Tucker, return to you.  Did you miss me?  Probably not.  But if you did, that’s nice.  If you didn’t, that’s just terrible and I’ll never forgive you.  Just so that we’re all on the same page.  All friendly like.
   Oh hey. Did you know that a turtle is always a tortoise, but a tortoise is not always a turtle?  That’s just a random bit of trivia I picked up when I was talking to a turtle one time.  Or was it a tortoise?  Hm.  I’m not quite sure.
   6/14/12:  On this date (that being the 6th of June in the year 2012) I was talking with a pigeon out back of my house at the birdfeeder.  He wasn’t the brightest of fellows, but his name was Peg and he was friendly.
   “Nomnom.  Humans put good food,” he said as he pecked away at the bird feed.
   I smiled. “I’m glad.  So what have you been up to lately, Peg my friend?”
   He paused a moment to wave his wing at the world in general, then went back to eating.  Amazingly birds can still talk perfectly while they’re eating.
   “Fly south,” he said. “Fly north.  Fly south.  Fly north.  Much change.”
   I nodded, hiding a smile.  “Sounds like it all right.  Do you have other birds you fly with?”
   Peg jerked his head dismissively. “No no.  Peg fly where Peg want when Peg want.”
   “A loner, eh?”
   He jerked his head in a nod.  Or he could have just been darting down to grab a sunflower seed, I’m not sure.
   I spoke again. “So I guess you see a lot of the world then, huh?”
   He waved his wing again. “Peg see much world.  Is no good.  Bird shot.  Food nasty.  Is no good.  Peg take over world.  Fix it.”
   It was a big speech for the little guy, big enough to make him stop eating while he delivered it.  As soon as he finished, though, he went back to snapping up bird seed.  But his comments sparked an idea in my head.
   World domination. 
   Why not?  I could talk to animals.  With them on my side, how would anyone stop me?  It would have to be a quick, preferably bloodless, coup though.  The element of surprise would be the strongest weapon.
   “Peg,” I said. “You are one smart pigeon.”
   He preened a bit, but didn’t stop eating.
   “You had a good idea.” At that he perked up. “And I’m going to act on it.  I need you to get together as many of your bird friends as you can.  Tell them we’re taking over the world and bring them here.  Tell all the land creatures you see too.  Tell as many as you can in a couple hours and bring ‘em back here.  Will you do it?”
   Peg threw a birdie salute and jumped into the air.  Soon he was lost to view.  I began to lay my plans.
   First, the intel gathering phase.  Word would be passed around, and soon every pet in the world would be gathering information along with the birds.  Who’s gonna be suspicious of their dog as they discuss state secrets?  Who would notice the little birdie sitting outside the open window?  Or the little mouse in the corner?  Or the playful kitten?  No one, that’s who.  It won’t take long to gather information on pretty much everything imaginable in the entire world. 
   Second, integration.  The right animals must be in the right places at the right time.  Mainly Area 51.  I’d need the mind control technology to get full control over the world’s nuclear arsenal.  Serious migration must be initiated into the capitols of the world powers.
   Third, take over.  All together the animals will swarm the world’s strongholds.  It will be completely unexpected.  They won’t have time to defend themselves before the squirrels and bears are armed with AK-47s. 
   It’s brilliant and foolproof.
   Then I felt a tug on my leg.  There was a little bunny rabbit looking up at me.
   “You take over world?” he asked.
   I grinned. “Why yes, I think so.”
   He shook his head. “You no want to.”
   “Why not?”
   “Then you have fix problems.  How you fix economy?  Is mess.”
   “Oh.  I hadn’t thought of that.  Darn it.  Stupid economy.  I don’t want to have to deal with that.”
   Just then, Peg flapped down.
   “Forget about it, Peg,” I said. “The world can go to pot.  I’m not gonna take over and fix all their problems for them.”
   Peg looked disappointed for a second, but then he simply went back to the bird feeder and started eating again.

   To be continued…sometime…