Greetings. This, if for some reason you have not already deduced it, is Owen Tucker. And I am here, once again, to lay down the facts of my life in this journal thingy. Trust me, it’s not egotistical at all. I mean, obviously my life is so very interesting that you should most certainly devote valuable time out your week to read about it. Just look at all the extremely interesting and very useful information you gain from it. I find rocks, fight with squirrels, and talk to animals. Things that are essential to your week, not to mention your possible well being. And trust me some more, there are definitely not more important things that you could be doing with your time. Reading about my life is more important than doing some other task you no doubt really have to get done now. Like updating your facebook status, or maybe your Twitter, or uploading that new Youtube video that you made—for whatever reason. Those are all unquestionably significant, but this post is so much more essential. Wouldn’t you agree?
But I should stop talking about how vital my life is to yours and get on with the telling of my life. So I will.
6/7/12: On this date (that being the 6th of June in the year 2012) I was deeply engrossed in updating my facebook status. It went something like this,
“Found out I can talk to animals. Pretty cool. Haha lol.”
The comments I got on that went something like this,
“Haha, riiiggghhhttt.”
“Cool man. Think you could tell the cockroaches to get the heck out of my house?”
“You should come over! I really want to know if these squirrels are cussing me out or not?!”
“You evil person! I’ll report you for this! It’s gonna be banned! I can’t believe it’s still allowed! Those in authority somewhere are gonna hear about this! I won’t be silenced! SAVE THE LITTLE DROWNING LOL MEN!”
As interesting as that turned out to be, I got bored quickly. So I decided to go outside. It was then I found out that it was raining, which I had not heard in my room. That’s what happens when you have soundproof walls—or really loud music playing. Either one works, some people just don’t appreciate the latter.
As I was now stuck in the house, I had to come up with another method of entertainment. That’s when a brilliant idea occurred to me. I got my rock (can’t hear animals without it) and then I grabbed my dog and cat and locked us all in my room. I sat on my bed, Jack sat on the floor looking at me, and the cat (who’s named Mr. Tinkles by the way) hopped up onto the windowsill and pretended to ignore us.
Jack looked up at Mr. Tinkles. “Huhu. Cat stupid.”
Mr. Tinkles hissed.
I nodded. “Yup, very stupid.”
Mr. Tinkles hissed again.
Jack gave a doggy grin. “Cat no even talk. Stupid stupid.”
I continued to nod. “You speak words of great truth and wisdom, Jack.”
Mr. Tinkles just kept hissing.
Jack grinned at me, then up at Mr. Tinkles. “He probably no understand us. Too stupid.”
I shake my head with a disapproving look on my face. “Now that would be a shame, after all those nice things you said about him.”
Then a huge peal of thunder struck. And I mean megally massive. It was like a freakin’ giant dropped his freakin’ bowling ball on top of our freakin’ house. Jack and I jumped a bit, but Mr. Tinkles completely flipped out. He jumped at least a foot off the sill, fell to the floor, scrambled around for a bit like he forgot which way was up, then shot under the bed, screaming his head off the whole time.
“Oh great King of all cats!” that’s how he started. “Don’t let me die today! Keep the vicious banging beasts away! Let them take these two savages as my sacrifice to appease their great wrath! I offer them up with many tears of sorrow and repentfulness for all the times I failed to bite, scratch, or otherwise abuse them. Please accept them and spare my strong and productive life!”
I looked at Jack. Jack looked at me. We burst out laughing. We laughed and laughed and laughed.
Somehow I managed to get enough breath to say, “I always knew Mr. Tinkles was stupid, but I didn’t think he was a heathen to boot!” Then I ran out of breath and continued to roll helplessly on the floor.
To be continued…perhaps…
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