Kiwis

   Kiwis are misunderstood.
   No, I’m not talking about the fruit.  But the fact that there was the possibility that you thought I was talking about the fruit and not the bird simply proves my point.  Come on.  These are kiwis (bird) we’re talking about.  They’re creatures.  They have rights too.  One of those rights being that they shouldn’t be constantly mixed up with the fruit.  Because, not only is it rude, it could be very traumatizing to a poor kiwi (bird). 
   Just think.  Sometime in the near future you might be engaging is some casual conversation with your neighborhood kiwi (bird).  If you’re not careful, I’m envisioning it going something like this.
   You:  “Hey man, how’s it going?”
   Kiwi (bird): “Is good.  Party tonight?”
   You: “Oh yeah.  It’ll be amazing.  Nothing like an ice cold beer with a fresh slice of kiwi.”
   Kiwi (bird):  “What!?  That barbaric!  What are you, cannibal?!”
   You:  “No no!  I meant the fruit, I swear!”
   Kiwi (bird): “Sure you did.  That what they all say.”
   And the next day you get slapped with a big, ugly lawsuit.  Not fun, let me tell you. 
   So it would be best for all of us, not to mention money saving (especially for you who upset the kiwi [bird]) if we simply change the name of the fruit.  It fixes everything, and it doesn’t bring about any problems because who’s gonna object?  The fruit?  Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.
   Kiwi (fruit):  “What!?  Change my name?  That’s barbaric!”
   Me:  “…Hang on just a second!  You’re a fruit.  You can’t talk.”
   Kiwi (fruit): “Sure I can.  The bird can talk, why can’t I?”
   Me:  “Because you’re a fruit.  Fruit isn’t even alive.”
   Kiwi (fruit):  “Yes we are!  We grow, just like everything else, so we have just as many rights as you say the bird has.”
   Me: “But, but, but, b-b-but!”
   Kiwi (fruit):  “Ha!  You stammered.  Your argument is invalid.”
   Me: “%&$#@$! @$!#@ %!$@#@%  !%@$@#”
   Kiwi (fruit):  “Your argument contains a lot of swear words.  You must really know what you’re talking about (I got that off facebook).”
   Me: “Oho!  Your counterargument was stolen from facebook, and is therefore invalid.”
   Kiwi (fruit): “What?  No way!  You can’t do that!”
   Me: “Just did.”
   Kiwi (fruit):  “That’s not possible!”
   Me: “You know what else ain’t possible?  A fruit talking!  And here I am arguing with something that can’t talk.  This is insane.  Be quiet.  I’m going to jam my preserves.”
   Kiwi (fruit):  “There’d better not be any kiwis!”
   Me: “Tuh.  Of course not.  You ever tried to jam bird meat?”
   Kiwi (bird): “I sue!”
   Kiwi (fruit): “You tell ‘im!”
   Me: “Oi!  You get lost.  This is between me and the fruit.  Has nothing to do with you.”
   Kiwi (bird):  “Discrimination!  I sue harder!”
   Me:  “Somebody help me.”
   Kiwi (fruit): “Haha!  This is what you get for plotting against the kiwis.”
   I have it!  A solution to all the problems!  We’ll simply use some super cool technology that I’m sure someone somewhere has invented and combine the bird and the fruit, therefore removing the difference of bird and fruit.  It’ll be a new species.  Biod.  Sounds cool, doesn’t it?  Aha!  Take that you bird and fruit.  Now you are one.
   Kiwi: “…That idea sucked.  Very, very hard.”
   Me: “It worked!   Yes!”
   Kiwi: “…I’m gonna sue.”
   Me: “Aw crap…”