Tarzan and Movies!

     Tarzan!  He liveth in the jungle doing apish things.  For Tarzan was born of the apes, hence his name, Tarzan of the Apes.  And he be the toughest of the apes ‘cause he can beat up da gorillas.  With the might of his fists he can whoop up on any of them jungle creatures, although his pappy’s trusty knife comes in handy too.  He can slice n’ dice his way through purtty much anything.  ‘Cause, y’know, he’s Tarzan.  Not that stupid yelling idiot that Disney portrayed him as.  Oh no.  He’s a cold blooded killer who becomes a very respectable English gentleman.  After he kills lots of dudes and fuzzy animals with his awesome tree swinging skillz.  That’s tree swinging.  Very much different from tree surfing.  Tree surfing is something you’ll only find in the mind of Disney animators.  They were no doubt thinking, “Aw man!  Tree surfing!  This is gonna be so cool looking!”  Didn’t give a thought to fact that it is completely impossible though.  If Tarzan had done it that way, his story would have gone more like this.

     “Little boy raised among the apes.  Plays with fellow apes, climbs trees, good times.  Grows up.  Starts trying out tree surfing.  Gets about a bajillion splitters in the process and dies of foot infections.” 

What a lovely story, wouldn’t you agree?  Not!  Stupid Disney animators.  Ruin Tarzan’s awesome reputation, why doncha?  And he has black hair, for your information.  Close-cropped, black hair with steel grey eyes.  Therefore the person Disney portrayed is an impostor and all copies of that movie should be BURNED!  So there.

     Today I’m going to see a real movie.  About a princess.  With puffy red hair.  And mad archery skillz.  And it’s gonna be awesome.  You know why?  Because it’s Pixar!  Pixar has got da mad movie making skillz.  They’ve made winners every time (okay, Cars 2 was a bit of a letdown compared to the rest, but it was still good).  They make movies about rats, and make ‘em good.  They make movies about fishies, and make ‘em good.  They make movies about little robots who can’t really talk all that well, and make ‘em good.  They can even make a movie about a grumpy old man, and make it good. 

     Yeah yeah, Pixar is a branch of Disney, I know.  But that doesn’t matter!  Regular Disney guys are just regular Disney guys.  Pixar guys are the elite.  If you’re with Pixar, you got supreme skillz man.  If you ain’t with Pixar, well, heh, you ain’t with Pixar. 

     So!  The moral of this story is, go with Pixar!  They are fully awesome and you won’t regret it!   The only thing that ever beat Pixar is Hoodwinked.  Hoodwinked is the best animated movie ever.  Then those guys went and failed by making a second one.  The second one sucks.  But Hoodwinked is awesome!  If you don’t go with Pixar, go with Hoodwinked.  Or both.  Both would work.  So long as you don’t watch the second one.  If you come across that, stomp on it.  It’s a disgrace to the brilliance of the first movie. 

     I will leave you with an equation.

     Pixar+Hoodwinked=awesomeness incarnate!