Don’t Mess With Plants and Things Related to Plants

    I’ve told you about rocks, flowers, and wind, but have I mentioned the trees?  Hhhmmm?  Well I don’t think I have, so I will now.  Trees.  There, I mentioned them.  Moving on.
   Okay, not really.  Let us discuss the deep depth of doppelganger trees.  They’re not really doppelgangers, I just wanted to use another word that started with “d”.  However, some people say that trees are alive.  That when they wave their branches in the wind, and creak and groan, they’re really talking.  That they whisper to each other, telling world secrets that they hear because no one thinks they can listen.  That someday, when humans die out, the trees will become the new dominant species of Earth.
I say they’re just trees.  Pretty to look at when they’ve got all their leaves and junk, but still just trees.  They live, they provide shade while they live, then they die.  After a long time, usually.  They don’t have any secret tree language or anything with which they talk about humans and how to get rid of us.  If they talk about anything it’s about how darned awful the weather has been lately or whatnot.  And trees aren’t “he”s or “she”s.  They’re “it”s.  Anyone who says otherwise has been reading too much Ender’s Game.  Or Lord of the Rings…or some other book with living trees…
   Now if I’m killed in some way relating to trees shortly after publishing this post, then you all are in a lot of trouble.  Because that would mean not only are the trees talking to each other, but they can also get on the internet somehow.  In which case you’re all dead too since they could no doubt find out how to build organic bio weapons and wipe you all out.  Doesn’t it sound just lovely?  Death by trees.  Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to have that nice rustling of leaves to be the last sound to grace our ears.  Or, rather, maybe you’ll be lucky enough.  Because I’ll be dead before then.  Since that’s what’ll mean you guys are in danger.  So just pray I don’t die.  If I don’t die, you won’t die, and everyone can be happy.  Happiness is good.  People are nice when they’re happy.  And when people are nice, less people die.  Therefore not dying is an all around good thing.  Keep that in mind as you go about your life.  Be nice to the trees too.  You never know when they might be after your blood.
   Dirt, however, is an entirely different matter.  If dirt decides it doesn’t like us stomping all over it, we could be in real trouble.  I mean, if dirt rises up against us, the collapse of society would be immediate.  We can’t do anything without dirt.  Everything is on top of dirt.  Dirt might not like that.  I’m not quite sure what dirt would do though, if it decided it didn’t like us.  Trees can do their whole wavy thing and throw sticks, but what can dirt do?  By itself, it doesn’t really have many options.  It can sit there and…uh…do nothing.  So, really, dirt isn’t much of a threat after all.  I guess you can forget about dirt and sleep easy on that score.  Just not on the trees.  Trees are still potentially dangerous.
   How ‘bout dem environmental issues?  Thems be serious business, man.  Gotta treat the natural thingy bobbers right, y’know?  Else they might keel you.  I have this feeling all the people promoting a greener Earth and all that stuff haven’t taken quite this approach.  Not this direct anyway.  They probably don’t want to scare people off.  They don’t want to be all like “save the earth or it will kill you!”  No doubt people would brush ‘em off then.  Who’s gonna believe that flowers, grass, rocks, and trees are gonna be able to kill you?  Not to mention the dirt…if it can figure out a way to be lethal…   But I mean really, it’s just ridiculous.  I’ll see you guys Thursday.


   ………..Hopefully.