Controversy

   I recently began working at Chick-Fil-A.  Awesome place, great people, and good food.  But no cheeseburgers.  It’s all about the eating more chicken and stuff to save the cows, but man, I do like a good cheeseburger.  Then, to my horror, I realized yesterday that I have not eaten a cheeseburger, or even a plain hamburger, since I started working at Chick.  Can you believe that?  That means it’s been like, six weeks since I’ve had a cheeseburger.  Me, without a cheeseburger for six weeks at least.  This must be some form of brainwashing.  As soon as they hire you those Chick-Fil-A people must start working at your subconscious, hitting it with a hefty dose of “more chicken, more chicken, more chicken” day in and day out.  Now I’m not dissing Chick-Fil-A or the food there, it’s all good, but sometimes you just gotta have a cheeseburger, y’know?  Chicken’s all well and good, but it just ain’t any kind of substitute for a good ol’ burger.  I need to get together with everybody and go straight to the nearest Five Guys Burgers and Fries to break my unintentional fast.  This is not optional.  This is something I must do. 
   Anyway, enough with the talk of chicken and cheeseburgers.  Let’s get back to all the extremely controversial topics that I’m sure you come here to read.  Like how margarine is better than butter, or the other way round.  Or whether toast always lands butter side up, or butter side down when you drop it (and if margarine changes the results).  And, possibly, the question of when the aliens destroyed Area 51. 
   Let’s address that last one, shall we?  Because, personally, I think they blew it to smithereens when the rumors started getting out, then fueled the rumors to a point where the whole concept of Area 51 was viewed as nothing more than a conspiracy theory.  That way, no one would believe the one true fact—that it was blown up—and now the aliens can do whatever they want with absolutely nothing to stop them.  Not only the aliens either.  Bigfoot is free to do what he wants now too.  He was probably in league with the aliens, getting them inside information.  I’ll bet he was working with the Abominable Snowman.  If they’re still working together, we could be in big trouble, especially if they’re still in contact with their alien buddies.  And if they all speak Wind, we are so dead.
   But never fear!  Underdog is here!  Or not.  Batman!  He’s the most awesomest of the super heroes.  Running around owning noobs with his super ninja skillz.   Superman is lame in comparison.  All that guy does is stick out his chest and let the bullets bounce off him, or fly under heavy falling objects and keep them from hitting the ground.  Pft.  Batman is way cooler.  So is his secret identity. 
   Speaking of secret identities, Obama is a noob!  Oh, wait, that doesn’t have anything to do with secret identities…  Oops.  Did I say that out loud?  Oh dear.  Don’t tell anyone!  They’ll send the men in black after me.  Those guys still believe in Area 51.  They probably got brainwashed by the aliens, or just hit over the head really hard by Bigfoot.  They’ll take me in for experimentation and I’ll be crispified!  Please no!  Anything but crispification!  And don’t throw me in the briar patch either!
   Oh snap.  Someone’s at the door.  Holy moley!  They broke the door down!  They’re coming in!  They’re coming for me!  They’re……………………………………………………………