Aliens

     Yes, I did just say aliens.  Well, I didn’t, but the title did, and that’s just as good.  Because aliens are aliens, no matter who says it.  And I’m here to tell you, we are not alone.  Everyone knows we’re surrounded by aliens.  I mean, come on, there’s plenty of people around here throwing their humanity in doubt.  Lady Gaga anyone (and I can’t be the first to throw the doubt on her)?  It doesn’t have to just be humans either.  Remember those posts I did about the plants and wind and stuff?  They could all be aliens too.  And Bigfoot, he is quite probably alien and no doubt related to the Abominable Snowman.  It all comes together when you throw them aliens into the mix.  All sorts of stuff starts making sense.  Stonehenge.  The Loch Ness monster.  The JFK assassination.  Area 51.  Politicians these days.  Bring those aliens into the equation and everything clicks.
     Stonehenge is a huge formation of things that look like rock but are really highly advanced stuff that transmits junk.  Loch Ness is an early mutation gone bad.  JFK was about to begin a campaign to put tinfoil hats in style.  Area 51 is a fable created to make the paranoid (but actually correct) people look insane.  The politicians are set to destroy all semblance of government so that the aliens can swoop in and take over easily.
     You see?  It all makes perfect sense now.  And now it is imperative that we get the word out.  However, since the aliens will no doubt read this post, you must not, under any circumstances whatsoever, pass this on to your friends.  Under NO condition are you to mention this to a friend and you are not supposed to spread this around in any way, manner, or form.  Y’hear?  Do NOT spread the word!
     Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, today is Opposite Day.
     In other words, RUN FOR IT WHILE I DRAW THEIR FIRE!
     Hello Mr. Alien, how’s your day been going?  What?  That’s terrible!  Those nasty humans ruined your beautiful plans for world domination?  And they poured water on you too?  My my, don’t they have any manners?  What is this galaxy coming to?  Aw, it’s all right.  Don’t cry.  I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  Burn, maim, and kill you in general, sure, but surely no hurting of your feelings was intended.  You think it was?  Well then go back in there and show ‘em who’s boss!  You go alien.  Take ‘em out with bigger bangs and flashier zaps than last time.  It’ll make a great sequel.  Add a little subterfuge, pretend you’re gonna give ‘em everything they’ve always wanted, then backstab ‘em and you’ve got a TV series going.  It’s a win-win situation.  So get on back out there, Mr. Alien.  Let ‘em see your supreme alien skillz.
     Now, before you say anything, what you just read there was most certainly not me encouraging an alien to destroy Earth.  There’s no way I’d do that.  I was just comforting the guy a little.  I mean, have you ever seen a sad alien?  They just look so…so…so sad!  It heart breaking.  So I had to give him a little pep talk.  Just to cheer him up.  It’s not like the aliens win in any of the sequels anyway.  They always lose in the end, somehow.  The humans find some hack way to blow all the aliens up with strike or something.  Have you ever seen a movie where the aliens take complete victory?  I don’t think so.  If you have, well that movie’s a disgrace to its genre.  Just sayin’.  The aliens cannot win.  This is just fact.  Unless, of course, they’re good aliens helping us.  Then they can win.  But even then they generally don’t.  Because obviously we humans are simply much better than any other specie out there, even if they have way more advanced technology.  Who cares if they have spacecraft and lasers and stuff, we’ll still whoop ‘em.  That’s just the way Hollywood works.
     To any aliens reading this, get yourself a catchy slogan.  We just can’t resist catchy slogans.  Aw snap.  I think I just betrayed all mankind.

     I’m sorry.