Note from Owen Tucker: Hey. You. The person reading this. Yes, I’m talking to you. There are certain protocols that must be observed before you can read this blog. If you violate these protocols, I will not be bringing any retribution down on you, but you can be assured that your own mind will be bringing plenty of its own. Because without these very crucial protocols, you will be lost beyond belief and may never find your path again. Therefore, I urge you to pay close and careful attention to what I am about to tell you.
Protocol 1: If you haven’t already, go back and read the previous blog posts!
Protocol 2:
Protocol 3:
Protocol 4:
Protocol 5:
Yes, I do realize all the protocols after 1 are blank. That is something for me to worry about and you to forget. Now I will let you continue with your reading. Good luck.
When Ben tried to get into Howard, we came upon a rather perplexing problem. Remember, he’s a freakin’ huge bear, and this door was just a normal man-sized door. He got his head through just fine, then his neck came on in good, but the rest of him kind of jammed.
After pushing and shoving for a while, he finally slumped in defeat. “I’m afraid I can’t fit. I must go back to the forest and live out a normal, lonely, bearish life.”
“Preposterous!” I said. “I have these super awesome magic powers. Getting you through this door will be easy as pie.”
“Oh? How will you do it then?”
I stroked my chin in an effort to appear wise as I thought. “Hhhmmm. Well the most obvious solution is to make the door bigger.”
Ben brightened. “Yes, that might work.”
I held up a finger. “However, that could compromise the structural integrity of the rest of Howard, resulting in it falling apart, with us still inside.”
Ben’s face fell. “That would be a bad thing, wouldn’t it?”
I nodded. “Yes, just a bit. However again! I have the solution to the flaw in that solution.”
“Do tell.”
“I’ll just make the whole house bigger! It’s the only logical solution, since you’ll no doubt have this problem with all the other doors too.”
Ben’s head bobbed slowly. “It does seem that way. But can you do that?”
I scoffed. “Can I do that? Ha! As if I couldn’t.” I paused for a second. “I can do that, right Dave?”
The House of—I mean, Howard, is highly receptive to any need. It will be easy.
Oho! Dave ol’ buddy thought I didn’t catch his slip there, but I did! He still thinks I’m too dumb to notice details like a little stammer there, but I’m not! Just you wait, Mister Dave, just you wait.
In the middle of my internal tirade against Dave, I realized that Ben was looking expectantly at me.
“Oh, right,” I said. “Yup, it ain’t a problem. Howard can get supersized easy peasy.”
“Then let’s not wait, shall we? I jammed myself rather tight in this doorway, and it isn’t the most comfortable position.”
I nodded vigorously. “Of course. Operation Get-Ben-Outta-That-Doorway-There will commence post haste!”
I struck a dramatic pose pointing at the doorway. “Okay, Dave, fire at will!”
Why don’t I just hit Howard instead?
“Shut up. This is no time to be wisecracking.”
That wasn’t a wisecrack. It was a rather dumb crack.
“Will you just blow the house up already!?”
If you say so…
“Metaphorically!” I yelled, not liking his tone. “Don’t actually blow it up, like boom. Blow it up, like enlarge it, yeah?”
Of course. Why would I think anything else?
“Because you’re a bugger, that’s why. Now get blowing.”
As the last syllable left my mouth, Howard started growing. It was like one of those crazy optical illusions. Everything was getting bigger, but staying the exact same. It was disconcerting.
It only took a few seconds for the whole process. Ben let out a sigh of relief when the door had gotten big enough to let him in.
“Nicely done, Owen,” he said as he lumbered inside.
“Thank you,” I said, before roaring out, “I want everyone downstairs right now! There’s some explaining that needs doing and it needs doing now.”
To be continued…
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