Bears, Flies, and Kids

   Note from Owen Tucker:  I expect you know the drill by now.  But, if by some off chance you don’t, check the previous posts and you will.

   With a yelp I scooted backward on my butt as fast as I could.  Right into a tree.
   “Please don’t eat me!” I pleaded.
   “Hohoho,” the bear laughed in a really deep, gravelly voice. “I’m going to have you for breakfast, yes indeed.”
   I looked up at the sky. “Are you sure?  Seems to me more like dinner.  Maybe you should reconsider because of this new development.”
   The bear chuckled. “No no.  It’s breakfast.  Actually, you’re breakfast.” He chuckled again. “Ah my.  I amuse myself so much with my stunning wit.”
   “Eheh.  Right.  But it’s still dinnertime.”
   The bear slammed his paw on the ground and roared. “It’s breakfast!  Now shut up so I can eat you in peace.”
   “Never!”  I jumped to my feet and put my fists up. “You won’t take me without a fight!”
   “Oh really?” The bear stuck his head into my face. “What you going to do, puny human?”
   I took a step back and popped him a good one, right on the nose.  He reared back and sat on his rump with a thud, holding his nose with his front paws.
   “Ouch.” His voice was muffled. “That hurt.  Why’d you do a mean thing like that?”
   I stared at him. “Uh, maybe because you were going to eat me?”
   The bear waved a paw. “Get out.  I was joking.  I couldn’t eat anyone.  I’m a vegetarian.”
   I stared at him some more. “A vegetarian bear?  Seriously?”
   He looked wounded. “Yes, seriously.  What’s wrong with a vegetarian bear?  Do you have something against vegetables?”
   “What kid my age doesn’t?”
   He shrugged. “How should I know?  I’m a bear.”
   The kids finally had the courage to come out from behind the tree I was backed up against.  They looked at me, then at the bear, then back to me.
   “What are you doing?” they asked in their really annoying off-sync chorus.
   I rolled my eyes. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
   They looked at the bear again, then back to me. “Talking to an imaginary friend in a state of hysteria before a bear eats you?”
   “No, that’s not what I’m doing.  Besides, the bear’s vegetarian.”
   They didn’t even bother looking at the bear this time, they just stared at me. “A vegetarian bear?”
   “Hey, that’s what I said.  But he’s very adamant.”
   At this point the bear heaved himself back onto all four paws and lumbered forward to the kids.  They stood petrified as he snuffled them.
   “Humph,” he said. “They would probably make a better breakfast than you.  If I wasn’t a vegetarian that is.”
   I nodded. “Oh yes, most definitely.  In fact, would you maybe consider breaking your veggie diet just this once?”
   “Owen!  Ah’m ashamed weth ya.”
   I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Aw darn it, Wilfred!  I forgot you were there.”
   “We think you’re going insane,” the kids said.
   “Naw he’s na, kiddos.  He’s jest alweys been tha wey.”
   “You know, I’m rather inclined to agree with the accented one,” the bear put in.
   “Wha thank ya, good sah.”
   “Oh my pleasure I’m sure.”
   “Wwwhhhhaaaa!  We’re gonna die!”
   “My my, they do cause a racket.”
   “Aye, they do.  Ah thought ya shut them up, laddie.”
   “Would you ALL just shut up for a second!” I yelled. “I can’t think straight with you all talking like that.”
   The kids looked around. “It’s just us talking.”
   “No, it’s not.  The bear is talking and there is a fly around here somewhere who is also talking.  This is fact, not fiction, and you kids are just gonna have to deal with it, okay?”
   “But, bears and flies don’t talk.”
   “Yes, yes they don’t.  You just don’t listen closely enough.”  I hold up my hand as they open their mouths again. “No.  No more talking.  We’re all going back to Howard now, and if I hear one peep out of any of you, it will not be a happy day for that person.  Animal.  Bug.  Whatever.”

   To be continued…